Submitted by: Delaine Moore
Yesterday, I received an email from a man who’d read a bunch of my articles (on here and elsewhere). And though he was mainly in praise of my work, my eyes kept returning to the word he used to describe my writing personality: ABRASIVE.
When I first read that word, I panicked; I’ve NEVER been called abrasive my whole life! I had to fight the urge to immediately contact him and start explaining myself, if not apologize.
But then I kinda grinned: “God, if he only knew the irony of his words.” Cause throughout my marriage, I was an acquiescent DOORMAT! Moreover, any of my friends and acquaintances would describe me as more of a hippie chick /Old Soul, with my ‘spread the sunshine’ and ‘see the good in everyone’ ways.
So instead of replying to his message right away, I chose to ‘have a think on it’ throughout the day; Am I becoming abrasive at this point point-divorce? Do I need to watch what I say and how I say it? And is being abrasive a good thing or a bad thing?
I’ve come to the conclusion that what I’m really being is HONEST. I’m at a point post-divorce where I’m tired of listening to my self-told lies and judging myself for my feelings. I’m tired of decorating my true thoughts with apologies. And yeah – I think I’ve also got some anger coming out. That’s right; the dreaded ‘A’ word, a feeling I’ve kept it at bay not only throughout my divorce, but my whole life.
I’m not deliberately trying to put men down or take my anger out on them. But you know what? If I happen to do so along the way, despite my best intentions to do otherwise, I’m OK with making some mistakes. Cause at the core, what I’m really doing is trying to find the real Delaine. And if She has an abrasive side coming out right now, why in the heck must I judge Her?
So yeah, if this man wants to describe my personality/writing as abrasive, I’m OK with that. Cause really, it shows I’m moving forward; Doormat Delaine is up off the ground. And if she needs to wipe her shoes on a few men during this phase, I don’t think she should brag about it….but if she writes about it, I’m going to continue liking her anyways.