One of my greatest fears in blogging about my divorce and life post-divorce is that I’ll come across as a vengeful, bitter hag who hates her ex (and all men), and lives in the past.
Perhaps some of you find that statement reeks of paranoia; others may think, “Well if the shoe fits…”
I write about this stuff because it feels right for me; I’m using it to continue processing my life changes and help me carve out a new identity and life course. I’m also trying to help other divorcing women and men; it’s such a turbulent and isolating experience. I think we need to hear others’ stories to garner courage and strength, to know that there are a myriad of choices available to us, and that life DOES go on, with highs, lows and unexpected pit stops.
As you probably know, my ex-husband and I are now facing off over some serious custody issues – and we aren’t new to the divorce process, we’re over a year and half into it. I think it’s important that divorcing couples realize that even when the divorce papers are final, everything doesn’t get tied up with pretty little bows – especially if they have children. Issues arise – ‘mini-eruptions’ – that can drag you back into the valley’s of despair and anger again. But they DO pass; and believe me, I’m writing this as a reminder for me as much for you right now.
It has never been my intention to drag my ex through the mud and depict him as an evil monster when I’ve written about him. I married the man – I’ll be the first to say he has many wonderful qualities. And there is no pleasure for me in hurting anyone, no matter what hurt has been inflicted on me…
My intentions are, and always have been, to be real, honest, and to express the truth with grace and tact. Sometimes this means I get angry, a natural part of the grief process that I’ve tried to run from. Sometimes when I write, I get feisty, deep, funny, and even outrageous. I’ve had women say to me, “Jeez Delaine, I never know what kind of mood you’re going to be in when I read your blogs. You always keep me guessing!” And I consider that a compliment. For aren’t we all multi-dimensional? Doesn’t ‘finding’ yourself post-divorce also entail allowing all your colors to shine as you reconstruct yourself? Doesn’t divorce offer the opportunity to blast through all the self-told lies and un-serving rules we’ve carried on our backs throughout our marriages?
So again, I want to say that I’m NOT deliberately trying to sound like I hate my ex or men in general. When I’ve written about him or other men, my intention has been to find the lessons/truth in it for ME; NOT tear anyone else down.
It just seems there is a fine line between expressing your anger and speaking your truth, and sounding like vengeful, bitter hag. Has this been an issue with anyone else?