Why Say Mean Things?
March 31, 2009 by Amelia
Filed under The Ex, delainemoore
A child psychologist told her that one of the best skills she could teach her kids to help them adjust to her ex’s and her different parenting styles was the ‘Teflon Suit” technique. It involved her explaining what teflon is and how it enabled all food to just ‘slide off off” pots and pans. This same ‘slide off’ analogy applied to the tefllon suits her kids then imagined putting on; for any kinds of mean words or actions were to simply ‘slide off of them’ should they encounter them.
She found herself using this technique on herself this past weekend when talking to her ex. But instead of just envisioning herself wrapped in teflon, she literally slid the phone away from her ear when she heard mean remarks; she was energetically ‘pushing them away’ so that they couldn’t penetrate her.
But they still did – not deeply, but yes…they still stung.
Why does her ex continually have to say aloud how badly he wants her gone from his life? Why does he have to say it with such loathing, as if Ishe’s the most disgusting creature on Earth? I mean, she doesn’t want to be dealing with their divorce issues either. Nor does she jump with joy when she communicates with him. But she puts it aside and remain not just civilized, but pleasant. She also makes a HUGE effort NOT to drop cutting remarks “just cause she can.”
The bottom line is they share four beautiful children together. And they’re always going to have one issue or another to deal with, to team up for, as parents. Shouldn’t that big picture realization supersede any momentary need to cut the other person up? And shouldn’t the fact that she’s the mother of his children merit some degree of respect and self-control?
She has heard stories about how awful some exes treated each other – the degree of their nastiness is truly frightening. But she’s NOT one of those exes. She’s not someone to hold onto anger and grudges and get a kick out of hurting the other. Heck, she doesn’t receive one iota of satisfaction in saying something nasty about her ex. If anything, she thinks those comments just keep her stuck in the past and perpetuate the negativity. IShe just wants to learn from the past, accept the lessons her marriage taught her, and move forward with her new life. And she wants him to be happy too. He has a new girlfriend, a new home, and a new life of his own. “Good for him,” sheI thinks to herself. She’s let go…
So why is it she’s the one being treated like the lowest form of slime on earth? Why is it she’s the one teaching her kids about teflon suits? And why is she the one in need of wearing one too?
Delaine
www.iamdivorcednotdead.com
Because he hasn’t let go and may never be able to.
I think the more we let go and move on the nastier they get. I look at the behaviors of my ex after being divorced for 10 years and have to shake my head.
For my ex the bottom line is not the children. The bottom line is holding onto his anger and making me pay for some wrong he feels I did to him.
The sad thing about it all is that it is the children who suffer the most damage from all their irrational anger.
My ex works very hard at victimizing me but ends up unintentionally victimizing his children.
The question I would love an answer to is why after seeing what their behavior does to their children do they continue to be so venomous?
You are the better person. At the end of the day i’m sure you feel much better. i know i do. My X wife has so mush anger towards me it seems she is going to burst with it. When she starts with the offensive words i just hang up on her and text her to call me when she calms down. I hope it gets better.
Cunnykicker-your comment is uncalled for. Delaine, I understand completely what you are saying. I hope things get better.
Cunny-licker u sir are a real-time prick! Stop bashing her, can’t you see that she has had enough of that already! Grow up, your comments are neither warranted or needed. Shame on you, heathen!!!
Teflon… nah.. youse don’t want to be going down that path and wear’n it… it’s kind’a like that mafia teflon don thing and ur better than that. Jus use the old KISS (keep it simple) method and put the kids first.
Newsflash cunnykicker, writing is a profession…it is a job. A job that pays well if done right and Delaine manages to do it right.
It saddens me when I hear from women or men who aren’t getting child support to help raise their children.
What I don’t understand is the resentment women like you have for women who do receive child support.
You have this skewed idea that child support means a woman can “sit at home” without a worry in the world.
Well, guess what, your belief that life is so much easier for us who receive child support is far from reality.
We still have children to raise, mortgages or rent to pay, groceries to buy and jobs to do.
For you to come here and bash Delaine simply because she has chosen to take her experience with divorce and use it as a way to make a living and in the process help others going through the same experience says far more about you than it does about Delaine.
And, what it says isn’t pretty.
Well jeez, haven’t I been missing out on the action on this post *grin. Cunnykicker, first off, that’s for the typo correction. Secondly, thanks for your readership of my blogs; you seem to know them very well. VERY well. SO well in fact, you sound like my ex.
You obviously missed the blog I wrote about why I write this stuff and what my intentions are. It’s not meant to slander or destroy/hurt anyone, rather to help me and other people in the throws of divorce move forward.
I wish you well in moving forward and letting go Cunnykicker.