Women’s Sexuality: A Starting Point or End Point for Learning
April 22, 2009 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under Dating & Sex, NoMore, Women's Sexuality
Submitted bу Delaine Moore
Mу head іѕ οff іѕ left field thіѕ morning, pondering women’s sexuality. I know – a complicated topic. Bυt thіѕ іѕ whаt I’m trying tο figure out:
Dοеѕ a woman’s sexuality ripple іntο οthеr areas οf hеr life? Iѕ hеr sexuality, іn fact, a metaphor іn motion fοr hеr behaviour аnԁ conduct іn hеr work life, personal life, аnԁ social life?
Take thе quality οf meekness аѕ аn example. If a woman іѕ meek іn bed, ԁοеѕ thаt commonly ѕhοw up іn hеr personality elsewhere? Bυt more importantly – AND THIS IS KEY – іf ѕhе allows herself, through sexual exploration, tο become more assertive іn bed, wіƖƖ thаt blossoming quality merge wіth аnԁ empower hеr іn hеr outside-thе-bedroom life? Cаn a woman’s sexuality bе a starting point fοr change аnԁ growth instead οf thе еnԁ-point?
Wе’re taught, through social conditioning, thаt a woman’s Sexual Self аnԁ Spiritual Self аrе separate; one refers tο thе physical realm, thе οthеr pertains tο hеr identity/soul. If thе words ‘sexuality’ аnԁ ‘spirituality’ аrе еνеr used іn thе same sentence together, thеу typically refer tο thе connection ѕhе feels wіth a man…
Bυt whаt аbουt thе connection ѕhе feels wіth hеr Self? Whаt аbουt THAT relationship? In order fοr hеr tο understand аnԁ ԁіѕрƖау thе many colors οf hеr soul, perhaps fully exploring thе wellspring οf hеr sexuality іѕ vital. Perhaps hеr body іѕ a treasure chest full οf invaluable gifts аnԁ insights јυѕt waiting tο bе opened. Perhaps іt even ‘knows’ things thе rest οf hеr ԁοеѕ nοt…
BUT…hοw аrе уου suppose tο empower yourself wіth such self-understanding whеn уου live іn a society thаt ѕауѕ уου hаνе tο limit уουr partner numbers аnԁ sex іѕ always suppose tο bе аbουt Ɩονе? Whаt іf уουr ‘serious partner(s)’ didn’t unlock thе mysteries contained within уου?
K, thаt’s probably enough qυеѕtіοnѕ fοr уου. I don’t know іf mу qυеѕtіοnѕ mаkе sense tο anyone bυt mе. I’m јυѕt trying tο understand thе immensity οf change I’m going through rіɡht now post-divorce; I’m trying tο ɡеt a better grasp οn ME. Anԁ mу body, whісh I thіnk іѕ аn іmрοrtаnt spiritual extension οf mе, whispers thаt іt hаѕ аn іmрοrtаnt role tο play іn mу evolution…
Delaine
I don’t think getting a better grasp of who you are is dependent on being able to sleep with an unlimited amount of men.
How can someone you sleep with unlock the “mysteries contained within you?”
If you are looking for a connection with yourself, you aren’t going to find that by experiencing sex with multiple sex partners.
In my opinion that is hiding from sex exploration instead of genuine self exploration.
I think our bodies, minds and spirit are inextricably intertwined. Can we truly be in touch with one part of ourselves if there’s a huge disconnect with another part? I’d be inclined to say no.
I wouldn’t say that our behaviour in bed or sexual behaviour is directly reflective of our other states, but I think our ability to be confident and comfortable and loving and to know ourselves in physical matters is important in bringing these qualities and a high level of personal development to other aspects of our lives.
I think it’s counterproductive and short sighted to try and look at all of these aspects of our selves – mind, body and spirit – as disconnected and completely separate, when they’re all very intimately connected. And I think the have great influence on each other.
I think mind, body, soul are intimately connected too. But I wonder, what the ULTIMATE connection between the three is.
Moreover, since we live in a culture that teaches women to suppress their sexuality, I wonder what happens to the mind-body-spirit equation when a woman’s sexual self is underdeveloped or left unexplored.
I think some women believe, when they get married, that their partner, the man they love, will help them explore and understand the mysteries of their bodies. I do think of it as ‘mysteries’ – women’s bodies are complicated. And since 12% of women don’t reach any kind of clmix and 75% don’t achieve G-spot orgasms, I think it’s safe to say many women’s sexual selves are still constrained – both internally and externally. I’m not saying orgasms are the be-all end-all. My point is that over time, in many marriages, a couple develops a ‘dynamic’ – both inside and outside the bedroom. Hidden aspects of a woman’s sexuality are often left unexplored. For many reasons. Maybe kids. Fatigue. Laziness. A crappy lover. Etc. I wonder what she misses out on… There again, maybe she’ll never feel the need to ask herself that.
I don’t have it figured out:)
Agggh! No, yes, it depends and WTF! Sorry, had to get all of that out.
Let me begin again. We are human beings. We have a sexual/reproductive aspect to our lives. Nothing can extract that from our bodies. What can happen is social conditioning and cultural expectations.
It will have an effect on your NATURAL desires and behaviors. Now for those of us born in the North America culture at a certain period in time yes, we were taught that if you found the right man not only would you grow in love with him but learn to satisfy his and by extension (but never promised) your desires.
It works for some. It doesn’t work for a bunch of women. My feeling is that we are responsible for our continuing and evolving sexual development and education.
Because like our bodies our sexual needs change and evolve. How are you gonna tell some man what you like if you don’t know yourself?
And yes, if you ain’t getting any and you are not happy about it you will be grumpy. Nobody wants to be around a grump. It isn’t just about the climax or orgasms. It is about being your authentic sexual self that is incorporated into the rest of your being.
Ignore what society says – What do you want? Does it match up with you ethical and moral beliefs? Can you ditch them if necessary? How can you safely honor your sexual spirit?
Part of the problem is that as a single parent you are automatically *(I think) categorized as ‘that’ girl…the one who is going to lead your married girlfriends astray, and will tempt the husbands and boyfriends….
I agree with other comments, that exploring your sexuality is not completely dependent on whether or not you have a partner. You can figure out a lot about your sexuality on your own–what do you find sensual, what do you find erotic, what turns you off? What do you fantasize–or, do you fantasize? How do you like to be touched? Knowing all of that can only help you in partnered sex.
“I wonder what she misses out on… There again, maybe she’ll never feel the need to ask herself that.”
When it comes to sex we don’t know what we are missing until we experience it. If we never experience it does that mean that some aspect of ourselves will always be missing. I don’t think so.
There are certain things I had never experienced until I divorced. Once I did experience those things it didn’t change who I was or how I felt about my sexuality.
New experiences, for me are like icing on the cake. Icing that has nothing to do with who I am in or out of the bedroom.
I don’t know Cathy…as I move towards my 40′s, I want my life to be more about ‘icing’ lol. Add some choc0late sprinkles in there and let me dig in with a big fat unapologetic smile on my face!
Lori,you’re right – that ‘divorcee’ word is still alive and well – quick ladies, lock up your husbands.! It’s hard for married women to understand where we’re at, even though they try… In fact, I think for some it is very unsettling watching a divorcing friend come into herself and her sexuality. It hits some triggers…
Good points ladies, here’s a voice from that “other” sex!
I’m just a few days short of reaching my 50th birthday, and life is so different now. I was a faithful husband for 24 years, and so much has changed in that time, both in society and in my personal views. I’ve found in my new single life that mature women are so much more in tune with their own bodies, able to express themselves so much more clearly and thus….so much better in bed, both for their partner (me!) but also for themselves.
We teach the mechanics of sex education in school, but who really teaches the “art” of loving? Sex education seems to be focused only on reproduction and birth control, thus we scare the hell out of our teens as they enter their sexual lives. We supress the exploration of their own bodies by implying masturbation is wrong, and we distort their expectations by allowing porn and sexually themed movies and tv to show unrealistic sex.
We should never stop learning and exploring our sexuality, and I think that’s what makes our married friends worry, when they see us “coming” (pun intended)into our own with the better sex that our new, matured lives brings. They’re jealous of what we experience.
Hi
I am not divorced, but I can tell you that my husband has NOT unlocked the sexual mystery of me and I haven’t got a clue as to how he should do that. Men are encouraged to have as many sexual partners, “Sow their oats” before getting amrried, women are supposed to stay “New and Fresh”. On their wedding night, then she can let loose. So, while the guy gets to experience sex and how good it is, women are kept in the dark. Marriage comes along, still in the dark, but as long as she has babies, that’s all that should matter.
Well, why should women feel compelled to fake Orgasms just so the guy can feel good about himself.
I am 45 and still haven’t had an orgasm during sex with any man. My orgasms are tiny tingles used with a vibrator. Totally unsatisfied.
What should I do, experiment with other people? Where can a women go to find out how her body works?
Frustrated
Thanks
Hi Theresa,thanks for commenting!
I’m assuming you have talked to your husband about your frustrations. Right? If not you should.
Unlocking one’s “sexual mystery” is something you do hand in hand with hubby. It isn’t his job alone. No woman should fake orgasms and if the man she is with loves her that is the last thing he wants her to do.
I encourage you to talk to him and both of you work…or play together in finding a solution to the problem. Experiment with him before you think about experimenting with anyone else.
Another thing, your orgasms should be more than a tiny tingle. Especially with a vibrator. You may want to have your GYN check hormone levels to see if you are running low on anything. A lack of testosterone can make a big difference in how much pleasure a woman experiences during sex.
Hi
Yes I have. I ahve even given us some instructional videos for both of us to watch. I have wateched them but he says he has no time. He thinks he is doing things fine. He doesn’t even try.
I really hate being a woman. Why did God make our bodies SOOO complicated? Most of us never get to experience orgasms and guys discover them at like 12 years old. For once, I wish our bodies were just as easy arouse as men. God should have made us to where we HAD to have an orgasm to have babies. Then men would have to make it happen.
Hi Theresa. Have you told your husband, point blank that inspite of what he may think he is not “doing things fine?”
It may be fine for him but it isn’t for you and he may need to be hit over the head with the knowledge that his wife is having problems and he is failing to help her have a fulfilling sex life.
If that doesn’t work it is your choice whether to contiue having sex with him or not.
As for hating being a woman…hogwash! I’d much rather be complicated than simple. And when it comes to sex men are simple creatures.
Also, 90% of all women experience orgasm during sex. I imagine most of those who do have learned what they like and don’t like and give their partner gentle hints during love making. A little guidance during the act can go a long way in making sure you get somethng out of it also.
I’m still concerned about the fact that you are not easily aroused. The knowledge that you have a “tiny tingle” with a vibrator still leads me to believe there may be a hormonal problem that needs to be checked out. It is normal to have explosive orgasms with a vibrator and you should be experience “normal.”
I also think your attitude needs to change. A man can not “make” you have an orgasm. Women who have the most rewarding sex lives are those who are aware of their bodies, what turns them on, what doesn’t.
I can have an orgasm whether the man I’m with knows what he is doing or not. I can because I know what I need to do during the act of sex to get me there.
Yes, sex is better with a good lover but it has been my experience that good lover or not, if I want an orgasm I’m going to make sure I get one.
Your husband may be selfish, he may be insecure but he is only part of the problem.
I would suggest you see a Dr. to have your hormones checked out. Buy a few books on women’s sexuality, experiment via masturbation to get more in touch with your body and have a more stern conversation with your husband about your feelings and lack of orgasm during sex.
Hope that was helpful.
Forty is not too far off for me and I must say that had I remained married my sexual self never would have been revealed to the degree it has since I got divorced! Maybe in the chaos and upheaval of all the drama, something got triggered deep inside of me – all I know is that I’m much more sexual (and demanding) than I was pre-divorce…and I LOVE IT!
Theresa, not only should God have made it so that women have to orgasm to have babies, our society should have a strict rule that says Until a woman orgasms, she has not had sex and is hence, still a virgin!
I agree with other comments, that exploring your sexuality is not completely dependent on whether or not you have a partner. You can figure out a lot