FLASHING WARNING: Separated Men
April 30, 2009 by delainem
Filed under Dating & Sex, From The Dating Trenches
I avoid dating separated men like the plague. Call it discrimination if you want. I call it smart. Cause yeah, I’ve met and/or dated a bunch of them since I got separated. And without fail, they’ve fallen into one of the following five following ‘wounded’ categories.
1: The Over-Compensator. This injured man is perhaps the easiest to fall for and subsequently, the
most dangerous. Energetic and outgoing, he acts like he has it all figured out and well under control. In reference to his divorce you’ll hear comments like, Oh, it’s no big deal, life is great, and shit happens. He may even talk-the-talk of someone who has processed his big life change, saying things like: “People come together to for awhile to live and learn and grow but have to move on…” How to identify him: Keep asking questions. And use your common sense. Don’t be surprised if he says he’s only been separated for three weeks.
2. The Brooder. Easy to identify. He’ll sing a song of woe. He’s a victim, emotionally, financially, and in every other respect. You’ll soon feel the heaviness of his company – that’s his luggage. He hasn’t even begun to sort through it.
3. The Blamer. A hybrid of The Brooder, this bleeding man will come across more on the offence regarding his divorce. Biting remarks, looks of distaste, maybe even flashes of anger in his eyes and body language. Whether his ex should be blamed or not is NOT the issue – the matter of his ability to let go IS.
4. The Acting-Up Player. Similar to the younger male Player, he is a grown up version with a few more grey hairs and a shinier car. He’s a bed-hopper, beguiling with his charm and desire to have fun. Not only is he seeking out thrills to mask his pain, he’s trying to prove to himself, and the world, that he still has ‘it.’ Processing his divorce has not yet arrived on his radar.
5. Mr. Needy. Pull in those heart strings ladies. He may seem like all he wants to do is ‘love and be loved’ but really he’s just lost without a partner and desperately looking for a replacement. He’ll try to move fast, see you every night if possible, and quickly talk about meeting his/your kids. Won’t be long before most of your energy goes into ‘taking care of him’ verses spending time together. Do you want a partner, or another child?
I’m not writing any of this to chew up separated men maliciously. I’m saying this because I can see my former Separated Woman Self in all these categories too.
No matter which road a separated person takes, the one that leads to recovery requires some tough self-love and TIME – time to adjust, heal and grow. I just don’t want to see YOU in the situation where someone else is working out their shit with your valuable time and with your heart.
Delaine
www.iamdivorcednotdead.com
Gosh… the last relationship I was in seemed like a man that combined ALL of these things. Sheesh. No wonder I was exhausted and confused all the time.
*sigh*
You seriously got to start trusting again. I mean don’t be afraid to trust others, but must importantly trust yourself to deal with what ever happens good or bad.
Every person you meet in life is an individual. If you start putting people in boxes you are just putting yourself in a box all on your own.
I agree there are plenty of idiots and losers in this world and they will meet there worth. For you happiness with someone else is a much more precious and rare thing like diamonds and gold x
Interesting list of guys to stay away from. Another way to look at it would be to list the types of guys you’d like to be with. Or a list of the good feelings you’d like to have when you’re in a healthy relationship. http://dadshouseblog.com/2009/05/01/hot-sexy-single-law-of-attraction/
I’m “separated”, waiting for the divorce to go through, waiting for the financial stuff to be settled. So does that mean I should have to live like a hermit? I don’t have leprosy for Christ’s sake, a woman left me, that’s all. Lumping all men into a particular category is prejudicial and unfair.
She’s not coming back. I understand and accept that. Refusing to give me a chance to be happy and make someone new happy is just plain unfiar.
That is all pretty oool. I could pobably fall a little into all of those catergories myself. Except for mabe the acting p player one. Of course I have played a bit. But most of my enjoyable playtime involves self fullfilling activities like kayaking surfing.. you know,active outdoor non-female oriented stuff. Think I am well on my ath to self re-discovery. I amnot feeling too needy either.
Part of figuring out what we DO like also means figuring out what we DON’T like. Otherwise we can unconsciously be attracted to the same of relationship all over again. I’m determined to break that habit guys – that’s why I look very closely and ’see’ things. I’m wearing different glasses so-to-speak – ones that prevent my wanton romantic idealism from dictating my life.
I find it interesting that primarily men responded to this blog. I guess it would cause men to take a peek inside and see if they fit into any of those categories – or see any areas where may they be weak and in need of work. Like I said, the only reason I could create these ‘categories’ is because I saw parts of my Former Separated Self in all of them.
I have to agree with some of the other guys on this site. I am separated and only waiting for the mandantory California divorce time period to go thru.
I have dated lots of women I take them out to get to know them for dinner, dancing, horseback riding and make them feel special and important and ask for nothing in return.
I hear almost universally the same thing well since your just separated thats just so different from being divorced.
My wife had lots of jealousy issues and these turned into major trust issues so she killed our marriage over five years time after being together 29 years and 2 great kids later.
These women that I date say things like you need time to process and become your own person. I find being married alot better than being single this is why most divorced men marry quickly and most women do not.
I have processed all I need to but as the old saying goes you dont know what you dont know but it will all be dealt with because it has to be.
I think lots of women think Mr. perfect is just the next date away and thatsa why they are still single.
Personally I am a great catch 53, good looking,in really good shape, very successful ,well grounded and emotionally stable and am being passed by women I could have a very good easy relationship with for these stupid reasons tis like they have forgotten how to use there intuition.
What I tell them is that you know that ticking sound you hear everyday its the clock of life passing you by. Maybe you should trust your heart and not all the bad advice being given out on sites like this from women who have been screwed over by men because their judgment was out of whack when they dated.
Just my 2 cents worth there are still a few of us keepers ou there who are not just looking for sex or a new mother to take care of us.
Howard, the waiting period for divorce in California is six months. I know very few women who won’t stop and think twice before becoming involved with someone who is less than six months into the divorce process.
Most women aren’t interested in becoming a replacement until for an ex-wife. Or, becoming involved with someone who feels “being married is a lot better than being single.”
Personally I want a man who isn’t afraid to be alone with himself. Wants me because he loves me, not because being married is better than being single.
The good news for you is that, there are women out there who are perfect for you. They don’t care if your divorce is final, they don’t care because, like you they want to be married instead of single. So, you keep looking because you will find someone who will hop at the chance to become serious with a newly separated or divorced man.
I’ve been divorced for 10 years. And not once have I heard a ticking sound. It would be wonderful to meet someone who is perfect for me but if I don’t my life will not pass me by.
I live every day getting every ounce of pleasure I can out of life and I’m able to do that whether I’m single or married. I want a man who can do the same and I’m pleased to say they there are many out there.
Believe it or not, women get over being “screwed over.” The getting over it is what leaves us with enough sense to know the virtue of listening to our intuition.
And, it’s that intuition that causes women to tell you the things they do. It would serve you well to start listening.
It’s funny how seperated or divorced people always have some spin on the other sex. It’s been 4 years since D day and for the first 2 years I did the same thing. Women this women that, why why why. What it all boils down to is … people, human beings. What has been outlined above is true about anyone, man or women who has been through a divorce.
Yes Colin, I think it can be applied to both sexes. My hand is waving in the air – I see MYSELF in all these ‘characters’ I outlined.
Howard, there ARE good men out there. Not everyone is a womanizer or in need of a mother. I just wrote about my observations from dating…and I can only see them now, two years into my divorce. I find that men, when they’re in pain, react differently than women. And women (like me) can foolishly ignore the warning signs and jump into a new relationship. And of course, men can too.
I personally have met a combo of Mr. Needy and The Brooder, and I have yet to recover from the damage that he did to my mind and my heart. Once he figured out that I wasnt going to move in and meet his kids and cure his pain for him, while playing therapist listeneing to stories about his Ex Wife daily, he disappeared on me, after weeks of nightly romance and telling me that he loved me (red flags, all that so soon, and I knew it). Two weeks later he was romancing one of the Barmaids at the bar we met at. I was used and thrown away like a dirty tissue, but because he looks like “all he wants to do is ‘love and be loved” I got the blame for being a cold hearted Bitch, because I put the brakes on and got defensive. He has no idea what he is doing or what he wants right now, and doesnt care who he hurts. He’s in total denial. I feel sorry for the women that he dates, past and future, because until he gets over his divorce they are going to end up broken and disappointed, just like me.
Sounds like a list of separated women to avoid, except with the genders switched and the usual air of imagined superiority whenever a woman is stereotyping and pigeonholing men.
When there are rebuttable joint custody laws in place throughout America and some semblance of due process in family courts, I’ll start taking this crap seriously.
Due process swings both ways single father and when I see it start happening I’ll start taking it all seriously also.
Family court and divorce laws are not a friend to anyone, man or woman and especially not children.
Also, I have a feeling if more fathers sought joint custody you would see the laws change. Problem is, fathers who want joint custody are in the minority, they are not the norm.
Just ask some of your single mom friends how many of their ex husbands wanted to take on parenting their children half the time.
Well, Cathy, I’ve been involved in trying to get rebuttable joint custody and anti-”move away” legislation in place in several states for years, and it is always the women’s lobbying groups that vote against such legislation.
Even where such legal safeguards exist, it is usually the mothers of children of divorce who interfere with custodial arrangements:
“Almost 40 percent of the custodial wives reported that they had refused at least once to let their ex-husbands see the children, and admitted that their reasons had nothing to do with the children’s wishes or the children’s safety, but were somehow punitive in nature.” (Julie A. Fulton, “Parental Reports of Children’s Post-Divorce Adjustment, Journal of Social Issues, Vol. 35, 1979, p. 133. Fulton reported that 53% of the non-custodial fathers claimed their ex-wives had refused to let them see their children).
“Research by Drs. Judith Wallerstein and Joan Berlin Kelly revealed that approximately 50 percent of mothers either saw no value in the father’s contact with his children and actively tried to sabotage it, or resented the father’s contact.” (Wallerstein, Surviving the Breakup, HarperCollins , 1996, p.125).
Anecdotes do not equal data.
What about this, we all just chill and stop throwing darts. Ladies with an attitude, fellas that are in the mood. Live, dance, be free and believe in the big guy or mama upstairs. It really is quite simple. Bottom line if he/she is separated and living THIER own apt, holding a job, seeing THEIR kids, and being “responsible” then kudos to him/her, ” bouna fortuna ”
Whats it all about, Alphie ?
Excuse me. Because we don’t think about future generations, they will never forget us.
I am from Azerbaijan and bad know English, give true I wrote the following sentence: “Blackjack, the series is oft equal.”
With respect
, Ravid.