Self-Loathing & The Cheater
April 28, 2009 by delainem
Filed under Infidelity
It may not seem it. But it’s there… deep within him. It is beyond his admission, beyond his self-awareness. But it’s there… eating away at his soul…
His self-loathing.
He may seem all blissfully happy-in-love with her; look at that skip in his step. That skips says that he wants nothing more than to ‘get rid of you,’; you’re a pest that keeps biting him in the ankle. Because of YOU, he can’t move on and be ‘free.’
But you’re not enchaining him, you’re reminding him…of his self-loathing.
His anger masks it. Mean words. Venomous actions. Like trying to take custody of the kids. Trying to stop paying you. Trying to control you, limit you, and make you suffer.
But you are on your way to freedom, it is he who is possessed….by his self-loathing.
For can’t you see? He still can’t look you in the eye. He always looks away. It’s not because the sight of you “disgusts him,” like he says. It’s cause there’s something in there for you to see… His Self-Loathing.
Some part of him knows that he is responsible for how his life looks. That he arrived here and now because of choices he made back then. And they were bad choices. Maybe even hard choices. Regardless, they were choices with consequences.
But as for YOU, dear woman, you must not allow your compassion to excuse the choices he’s making now: for his mean words and venomous actions ARE choices; whether he makes them blindly or not.
It is not your job to fix him.
It is not your job to help him find his way.
Your job is to take care of you and your children.
And leave the cheater to his karma.
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Well said Delaine and it goes for any man who abuses the people he walked away from, whether he cheated or not.
…I know Delaine…intimatley..but this is very troubling news Mr. CunnyKicker…very troubling indeed…game changing news…everything shifts..lies become truths to those who believe…
I think blaming and being hateful are natural parts of the grieving process. But at some point, one needs to evolve beyond that to learn his lessons and become a better person.
And on that note, Kane,if you had to wager a guess about the identity of Cunnykicker, who do you think that would be? *grin
What about women cheaters. They often don’t seem as self loathing….. but rather proud or smug. At least some of the ones I know.
I don’t think it matters what sex the cheater is Mike. It chases whoever the cheater is until he/she comes to terms with it and extracts the lessons in it for him/her. The proud and smug phases do hopefully pass with time…but while in the throws, they can seem beyond cruel to the victim of the infidelity.
…I wonder if people choose their handles unconciously…subliminally…are the ficticious names somehow truthful extensions of who the person is..of what they stand for and believe in? inadvertantly speaking? if so, then that’s downright spooky…I like cunnies…like rosebuds…
Hi My first time visiting your site. Some very informative and helpful info but confused. Comments above refer to comments from a Cunnykicker but i don’t see any comments so hard to understand what everyone is discussing. Were they good comments of bad comments?
Hi Nicole:
Cunnykicker is the username my ex uses to post hateful remarks on here. His username says a lot…
He’s since been blocked:).
Im a woman cheater. I dont know if Im proud or smug but im not ashamed and i dont regret it. Im a beautiful woman in my 30s. we didnt have sex anymore. he wouldnt agree to a divorce. he told me i was crazy. said id never find someone with my interests and beliefs. said id never find someone. so i did. i found someone and it got me free. Now im on my own by choice. i dont regret it for an instant.
i think alot of women cheat to get out. to get free. its less than ideal but when youve been beaten down sometimes it takes the help of someone raising you up until you can stand on your own again.
Kristin, I’m sorry but, your excuses or justifications don’t fly. For one thing, you didn’t need your husband’s permission to divorce.
If spouses had to agree to a divorce the divorce rate would drop to close to nothing. We don’t live in the fifties any longer. Divorce is an option to anyone who wants it regardless of how their spouse feels about it.
How did finding someone get you free? You could have been on your own by choice without lowering yourself to infidelity. The fact that you don’t regret it concerns me and will probably concern any man you become involved with.
I know if I were a man and a woman told me she had cheated on her ex husband and had no regrets I’d think twice about becoming attached to her.
A lot of people cheat to get out. It is called an “exit affair.” They cheat because they don’t have the fortitude to divorce unless they have someone else to go to. They are weak!
They can’t take responsibility for “raising” themselves up or standing on their own so they find someone to transfer that responsibility to.
It is extreme selfishness. Almost narcissistic in the belief that it is OK to use someone else to help you escape from a bad marriage.
Hopefully before you enter into another marriage you will mature enough to know that you are responsible for your own happiness and that cheating and using someone else to stroke your ego and raise you up is something to regret doing.
Great blog, Delaine and so true! It’s just difficult to be the receiver of the effects of self loathing. Even more difficult to see them work through the children in attempts to “get back.” But what you said is something to remember….it’s our job to move on, to take care of ourselves and our children. Do you find it difficult not to project into the future and think that his behavior will never go away? Or, will we just become stronger as time goes on, content in our new lives and his behaviors won’t have such an impact on our emotions?
I’m a true believer in karma, and I think that little by little what goes around is coming around for my ex. I’m going to tag this one as a favorite and keep it handy to read as a reminder why my ex is so vindictive and difficult.
Kristen,
I think that there are times when a person has to manifest another living breathing human being into her life in order to find the strength and self-esteem to leave a really bad marriage… I get that. That feels like what you’re talking about. I’m glad you got to that place.
Allie, I like to think that people can change…or rather, ‘evolve.’ But they have to do it at their own speed. And I think many don’t ‘get it’ in one lifetime.
I do believe in karma. And I also believe in the power of self-forgiveness. I think that until someone does the inner-work required to come to terms with his cheating, it attracts negative stuff to him; some part of him believes he doesn’t deserve better so he will continue acting like a heel in a variety of ways.
The bottom line is that we can’t do the inner-work for them. So yeah…it might mean we have to be stronger and word harder and expect more of the same behavior so we can protect ourselves and move forward.
Delanie,
Thanks for your understanding comments. It was a sad, abusive marriage. I struggled with terrible depression the last few years of the marriage. Depression coupled with emotional abuse certainly plays a role in sapping ones strength and at that point I didnt feel strong enough to just walk away. And yet a part of me knew I had to get out before it killed me. I entered into my affair not lightly. He was a good friend and knew what it was all about, we helped each other. He is still a friend. And I am working on healing all that i had to go through.
My ex has apologized to me and accepted his part in our demise. I have forgiven him and made my apologies as well. We are moving forward.
And Cathy, no worries. After what i went through the idea of entering into another marriage is not something i even entertain the idea of. Nor will i for many years to come, if ever. Your harsh judgement is unfortunate. ‘Walk a mile in my shoes’ sister. Blessings to you.
I did walk a mile in your shoes Kristin. I lived in an emotionally abusive marriage for 14 years. The depression nearly suffocated me. By the time my marriage was over I had no idea who I was and the small part of me that I could recognize I hated.
I could have used my bad marriage and my ex’s abuse as an excuse to have an affair. My life would have been so much easier if I had chosen to find a resplacement unit but in the end, two wrongs do not make a right.
I would have been cheating myself more than cheating on my husband. An affair was not the magic potion I needed. I needed to stand up for myself, all by myself because let’s face it, life can be a bitch and I didn’t want to become a person who couldn’t deal with her problems without having to lean on someone else.
An affair is a destraction from the problems, not a solution. Instead of working your way out, you took the easy way out. And it has been my experience that people who choose the easy way fail to learn valuable lessons in life.
Not to mention that infidelity is morally wrong and I didn’t want to compromise my morals just so I could get out of a bad marriage.
Kirsten, it sounds like you’re on your way to recovering from an emotionally abusive marriage and are doing the work necessary to get there.
Regardless as to what society labels right or wrong, ethical or unethical, at the end of the day it’s about people doing the work to forgive themselves and cultivating the many lessons that were in the ordeal for them.
My whole point in writing this was NOT to say that cheaters should never be forgiven and are rotten to the core. I’m saying work is required to get to that place of self-forgiveness. And until that happens, self-loathing will guide one’s actions and eat him from the inside out, knowingly or unknowingly.
Mr. Cunnykicker seems to be such a weak, selfish loser. A coward to the core. He’s obviously too weak and too stupid to move on with his sad excuse for a life.
Grow up, boy.
I think we all have unrealistic expectations. Monogamy is just not natural and that’s exactly why we all have to battle temptation to be completely faithful. But, what is disgusting are those who justify their cheating. If you have legitimate justification, don’t call it cheating. Were you cheating or not?
Now, onto why these blogs are a big waste of time. I think women have been practicing this double standard for so long that they don’t even realize they have it. I’ve read multiple articles and blogs questioning whether cheating is bad or if what an individual did is cheating, and, overwhelmingly, women tend to blame a cheating man and justify a cheating woman. And, if we’re talking about emotional abuse as an excuse, men will more often than not be excused for their infidelity.
My wife and I are at a major crossroad again and truthfully I don’t know what to do. My wife is a beautiful woman and I’m an average looking guy. She recently lost weight (not that she was over weight to begin with)and went from weighing 130lbs to 115 and is 5″7. We have two children together (one of them is not my biological child) but he’s my son PERIOD. We did not know that he was not my biological child before he was born…my wife and I had only been dating for a month prior to her getting pregnant. That’s a story in and of itself.
Since the beginning of our relationship, we have both had trust issues, Major trust issues. She had called her ex-boyfriend obsessivly almost the entire time we were together (ironically he is the biological father to my first boy) but until recently had almost ceased all communication together. I’m no longer worried about him – he is a loser. Here’s my concern. My wife works part time and talks to this guy at work often, too often actually. She recently sent him a picture message from her cell phone and tried to delete it then covered it up when I found out about it…this is not the first time something like this has happened. A few weeks ago, her phone accidentaly dialed my phone when she was out with him and her co workers and I clearly heard him say “you’re so sexy” and something about taking her back to his house…and she tried to side step the conversation and make it like it wasn’t a big deal.
Now I’m going nuts – acting like a private investigator! I don’t trust anything she says and I’m going out of my mind! I confronted her, she said it’s nothing. But, our sex life has been slim to say the least and she’s had excuse after excuse for finding reasons to be really pissed off at me…like to the point that we have had horrible drawn out fights that last days!!!! My kids are sufferning, my mental state is out of whack and I’m lost. Any suggestions?
It sounds as if you are driving yourself crazy over something you have no hard, cold proof of.
There are two things you can do. Trust her until you have absolute proof that she is cheating. Or, continue to worry over the situation.
Look at it this way. As is, your lack of trust is destroying your marriage. It isn’t cheating by her that is doing the damage but your lack of trust and the friction that is causing between the two of you.
How are you going to feel if you let your emotions get the best of you, your marriage goes down the tubes and then you find out she wasn’t cheating?
You are going nuts, she is going nuts and worse yet, the children are going nuts. And it is all because you THINK she might be cheating.
Get control of your emotions and back off until you have proof.
How do I get proof? All the signs are on the proverbial wall? Deleted call history from her cell phone, deleted text messages which she admited deleting. Pictures being sent to this “guy friend?” If she hasn’t cheated, which I’m not saying she did it seems like she is well on her way.
I am driving myself crazy, I admit that. I just don’t know how to proceed…back off and wait until she comes to me and says, I’m sorry, I cheated on you? Either way, I’m going to be suspicious and this is eating me up inside.
nybassplyr,
She’s cheating, don’t kid yourself. Get proof and then decide what you need to do. It’s not worth it to let her ruin your life without doing something about it.
nybassplyr:
I agree with Scott. She’s cheating on you. Even if she hasn’t done the deed yet, she really not showing you a lot of respect for you. When you overheard him make those sexual remarks to her. A good spouse would put a stop to it and discontinue the friendship if her “friend” was overstepping the boundaries of friendship. This all happened in front of her co-workers so they all know. Doesn’t feel to good.
I’m really sorry for you. It must hurt so much. A person that really cared about you, would let you drive yourself so crazy……over “nothing”. They change their behavior. Prove their innocence. Whatever. I’m not saying being a jealous husband is something that needs to be catered to but…..people that care, show it.
A very similar thing happened to me and I’ve never been the same.
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