Loving…without attachment
May 7, 2009 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under Dating & Sex, NoMore, Relationships
Submitted by Delaine Moore
Laughing.
Making love.
Holding.
Pillow talking…
No, I’m not sitting here dreaming of falling in love again. I’m imagining what it would be like to experience a weekend of ‘love without attachment.’ And I wonder: Might they be a wonderful prescription for our restless/ hurting hearts after divorce?
Remember when you were in that really bad emotional place? Or maybe you’re there now. The confusion, the aching, the overwhelm… Don’t you yearn to turn it off for awhile? To recharge? Some part of you aches to find solace in the body and heart of another person. You long for a FEELING: Of peace. Of being 100% authentic, 100% you, wherever you are right now. No games. No conditions or future promises. Just you and this other person, with whom you could laugh, pillow talk to, and love…
“But Delaine,” you might protest, “If I shared that kind of connection with someone, I wouldn’t want it to end after a weekend.” But what if you simply ‘knew’ this relationship could never be more? What if you knew you weren’t ready for more? Would you be brave enough to actually ‘love’ another – passionately, openly, purely – knowing it wouldn’t mean forever?
I imagine what it would be like in the aftermath of such a weekend… I think there might there be a twinge of sadness. For human nature is to grasp tightly to another. We are afraid. We are needy. We LONG…
But if we could look beyond our neediness, FEEL beyond that, I think such weekends could lovingly propel our lives forward. For we’d have been heard. We’d have been seen and touched on the heart and soul level. And we would emerge back into the real world freer. Lighter. Stronger. And hopeful of what might lie ahead.
Delaine
Delaine, I lay in bed last night wishing for exactly what you have written about.
Life hasn’t been easy for me lately and what I wouldn’t give to be heard, to have my heart touched.
I don’t like being afraid or feeling needy and I find it hard to admit either. Over the last few days that is where I am though and oh how great it would be to lock myself away with someone who could restore my spirit with no expectations other than loving and respecting each other.
A male friend of mine, whom I never met in person, was the one who introduced me to the idea of love without attachment. At the time I was heavy in depair, only a few months into my divorce. He and a female friend had had one of these weekends together soon after they both ended their marriages. He told me how freeing it was, how soothing it was to be touched both physically and spiritually; there was love…yet there was no happily forever after. It was what they both needed – pure, unconditional love on all levels, to uplift their souls.
We all need to be needed…and touched…and listened to. Sometimes I feel otherwise and sometimes I have to CONVINCE myself otherwise. But truly, authentically, that need undulates beneath the surface of our skins. I don’t think of it as a bad thing. I think it makes me open to different ways of ‘loving’; there is an entire spectrum of ways it can be experienced. I’m not sure why how we love is so confined in our society…
And on that note, I’m sending you some soul-sister love from here Cathy. Cycperspace love knows no time or space either.
Delaine
I have had this… shortly after the breakup of my last relationship. It felt so wonderful and healing. And honest.
Thank you for sharing these thoughts, Delaine.
And Happy Mother’s Day to you.
well…you know I have experienced that just the last weekend….it was so liberating…….so strange ….so sweet!
I never never in my wildest dreams thought I would experience or even think of doing something like that….due to my background, upbringing, religious values and ……etc..but I have changed 180 since my divorce 2 years ago….and I have bloomed from the caterpillar into this free butterfly….I confided into a friend of mine who I thought was open minded and would accept such a revelation but unfortunately she was shocked and told me I wont say it is ok and lie to you because it is not ok……I went home that day feeling so sad…..am that bad to have this need and act on it? What is wrong with a “friendship” that gives you satisfaction with no emotional strings or any baggage? Why is it not ok? I went into this self doubt circle were I started evaluating all my recent behavior….then I read your article and……thought well…..I am as normal as they come…….
thank you and write as often as you could……:))
Hannoud, I’m so sorry your friend’s reaction made you sad and second-guess your choices. It’s frustrating when other the people we love and trust don’t get where we’re at and judge us for our actions. Unfortunately, our experiences after divorce are beyond many friends’ scope of understanding…
You can come and share your real stuff and feelings here Hannoud – I know I’m not one to hide or hold back *grin. Beleive me when I say you are not the only divorced woman doing and experiencing things she never thought she would. And the only one worthy of your judgement is YOU. And if your body and heart feel lighter from your experience, then in my books, that’s your real answer, your real truth.
I’m very happy for you to have this experience! All the power to you.
I myself have toiled with this decision since becoming a single mother for the second time. Do I date or have a casual relationship with another? Honestly seems to be alot easier to stay casual. Its hard to date with kids. I have a nine year old boy and a four year old daughter and my son has been angry about his dad not being in his life for the past 6 years, not to mention he then became attached to my daughters dad and we are no longer together. Its tough to think that I could have another one in my childrens lives and then watch them become close to that person all to risk it not being as long term as we all hope for. I have learned that relationships are a risk and even the strongest dont always survive. I am not opposed to dating or marriage at all. I would like to see that for myself in the future, more nearer then farther if at all possible. But its tough when you are still young and dealing with all the responsibilities of parenting and on top of that waiting around for this great guy who not only will accept me but my children as well. Very possible…but what to do in the meantime? Seems to me that dating has gone out the window anyhow and that romance has been replaced with text messages late at night and facebook messages, even to someone who is approaching 30. Im not giving up by I need companionship too as an adult and sometimes find it easier to engage in a casual relationship of pursuing a long term one with that person. I can keep it separate from my children easier because the time I spend with that person is limited. Am I a permiscuious person? No. Does not mean that I have an encounter with just anyone or many random ones because I dont. It is usually a friend or a guy that I have met and gone out with and well, he doesnt meet the criteria for dating that I am looking for. So why not have a fling, just because I wouldnt date them and have them around my children does not mean that I dont like certain things about that person and enjoy spending time with them. Afterall sex is sex and I dont think society along with me is as prudant as it once was with it. The idea that we need to be in love with the person we share ourselves with has been long lost in my eyes for the most part and I do not think that I am giving a part of myself that the person isnt worthy of. I am a responsible mother and put my childrens needs ahead of my own almost every second of the day. So if my children are off with Dad for a weekend and I would rather not spend it alone doing housework why not have some fun of my own?? Why should this be viewed as some as I am doing something wrong? Afterall I am a 28 year old woman and if I didnt have children yet and had a fling here or there Id just be a girl having fun and I dont see why having kids changes that.
Jessica,
I can totally relate to the juggling act you’re doing and the fears you have about exposing your kids to another man who’ll only disappear. Sometimes I feel like the only option available to me is to have more casual relationships because of my very limited free time – I’ve only introduced my kids to a man once and during that 24-hour period (I told my kids he was a cousin), they bonded with him immensely. That shot fear through my veins! I wasn’t sure how I felt about him and suddenly, my kids’ easy attachment totally upped the ante. In the end, I broke off with him (for numerous reasons)and never had him around my kids again.
I don’t hold you in judgement whatsoever. You can be a wonderful mom AND a confident, passionate, beautiful, intelligent Woman and express your colours in whatever you wish. Woman ARE entitled to be ALL these things, and not be confined to boxes with heavy labels.