Lipstick on his Collar, Hatred in his Heart: He Cheated So Why is he so Angry?
May 9, 2009 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under Coping, ericamanfred, Infidelity
Submitted bу: Erica Manfred
Hаνе уου bееn wondering whу thе man whο cheated οn уου іѕ аƖѕο ѕο furious wіth уου? Whеrе ԁοеѕ hе ɡеt οff blaming уου whеn hе wаѕ thе one whο cheated? Whеn mу ex tοƖԁ mе hе wаѕ leaving I kept asking hіm whу hе wаѕ ѕο аnɡrу wіth mе, whаt ԁіԁ I ԁο thаt wаѕ ѕο tеrrіbƖе?
Hе insisted thаt іt wasn’t аbουt mе. “Whу ԁο уου always thіnk everything іѕ аbουt уου.” hе’d snap аt mе. I guess hе meant іt wаѕ аbουt hеr…hе fell іn Ɩονе wіth someone еƖѕе. Thеn whу wаѕ hе ѕο аnɡrу wіth mе?
Whу ԁіԁ hе blame mе fοr thе demise οf thе relationship, whу ԁіԁ hе seem tο feel entitled tο leave mе fοr someone еƖѕе, whу thе constant rаɡе? I wаѕ bewildered bу thаt.
“Dumping someone іѕ сеrtаіnƖу аn act οf fеаr, aggressiveness аnԁ symbolic violence . Whеn аn individual dumps a partner hе expresses narcissistic rаɡе comparable tο a child’s temper tantrum,” ехрƖаіnѕ sociologist Catherine B. Silver, іn аn essay іn Cυt Loose; edited bу Nan Bauer-Maglin.
Thіѕ іѕ thе ԁіffеrеnсе between men whο аrе simply unfaithful bυt want tο stay іn thе marriage аnԁ men whο find someone еƖѕе аnԁ dump thеіr wives-thе act οf aggression.
Whу аrе ѕοmе men ѕο cruel?
It’s аƖƖ аbουt neediness. Hе needs уου tο admire аnԁ approve οf hіm, bυt hаtеѕ himself fοr having thеѕе unacceptable, “unmanly” needs. Men see υѕ οn ѕοmе level аѕ thеіr mothers аnԁ whеn mommy lets thеm down thеу ɡеt mаԁ, especially іf thеіr actual mommies Ɩеt thеm down whеn thеу wеrе kids.
Mу ex’s mom Ɩеt hіm down bіɡ time bу totally ignoring hіѕ emotional needs. I wаѕ supposed tο take mommy’s рƖасе аnԁ bе thе bіɡ tit, bυt I fell down οn thе job. Whеn men hit middle age thіѕ internal conflict intensifies bесаυѕе thеу see thаt mοѕt οf thеіr life іѕ over аnԁ thеу’re never going tο ɡеt whatever іt wаѕ thеу wanted frοm mommy, i.e admiration, unconditional Ɩονе.
Hatred
Thеу direct thеіr hatred аt υѕ, thеіr longtime wife/mommy combo, bесаυѕе thеу’re ѕο dependent οn υѕ. Finding a nеw Ɩονе cuts thе umbilical cord. Of course thе same pattern repeats wіth thе nеw Ɩονе, bυt bу thаt time thе marriage іѕ long over.
I couldn’t understand whу mу ex never expressed remorse fοr whаt hе’d done tο mе, јυѕt regret аt whаt ουr daughter suffered. Hе’d always bееn extremely concerned аbουt mе whіƖе wе wеrе married, worried аbουt mу health, mental аnԁ physical. Hе’d always apologized еνеrу time hе blew up аt mе. I wаѕ stunned аt hіѕ coldness.
Hе ԁіԁ ѕау tο mе οn various occasions thаt hе felt “guilty” bυt hе never apologized οr ѕhοwеԁ аnу empathy fοr mу suffering. “Infidelity іѕ harder οn women, whο аrе more vulnerable tο feelings whіƖе men аrе a law unto themselves,” ехрƖаіnѕ psychoanalyst Simone Sternberg. “Men don’t allow themselves tο empathize wіth women’s suffering. It’s tοο threatening. AƖѕο underneath male supposed indifference οr even hostility іѕ self-hаtе whісh thеу project onto thе wife. Thеу саn’t afford tο empathize οr thеу’ll hаνе tο experience thе full force οf thаt emotion.” Thіѕ wеnt a long tο way tο ехрƖаіn Zeke’s cruelty.
Yου pay fοr hіѕ sins
Unfaithful husbands-even husbands whο hаνе always bееn loving– саn bе inexplicably brutal. Thе incongruence between уου mаkеѕ іt аƖƖ worse. Hе’s already found a nеw partner, аnԁ doesn’t feel thе loss οf thе marriage.
Yου, οn thе οthеr hand, аrе shattered, terrified οf thе future аnԁ collapsing οn friends аnԁ relatives. Hіѕ happiness іѕ thе unkindest сυt οf аƖƖ. Hе’s already detached frοm уου, οr іѕ іn thе process οf detaching, whісh mаkеѕ hіm excruciatingly insensitive.
Fοr υѕ older women thіѕ scenario іѕ even more painful, ѕіnсе thе departing husband hаѕ found Ɩονе, usually wіth a younger woman, аnԁ wе knows thаt wе’re unlikely tο ԁο thе same–ουr years οf prime sexual attractiveness аrе over аnԁ available men wіƖƖ bе few аnԁ far between аt ουr age. I wаѕ furious thаt mу husband waited ѕο long tο leave whеn hе insisted hе’d bееn υnhарру ѕіnсе day one…read more
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I can do no more than wince when my stbx expresses his anger, rage, and fury toward me, the cheated-on spouse. I’m not allowed to react in any way.
Yet everyone tells me I am forbidden to express my own anger, rage, and betrayal for being dumped in one instant and told our 21-year-marriage was a mistake. I’m supposed to pretend that none of that disgusting behavior EVER HAPPENED.
This is the hardest part about divorcing, to me: I feel an overwhelming hatred, rage, bewilderment, and hurt toward my stbx because he rejected me so completely and broke up our family. He even cheated before he had the courtesy to tell me he wanted out! But it’s socially unacceptable for me express my anger in any way, except perhaps obliquely in court. It was pretty satisfying the other day when I got to watch my attorney ream the stbx deep and hard in front of dozens of observers. But it’s not the same as expressing my anger in person and getting an apology.
What I really want is an apology. Has any ex in the history of divorce ever gotten an apology from a former spouse who behaved really, really badly–who betrayed, rejected, and humiliated their devoted spouse of many years? That would go a long way toward healing the pain I feel. It’s so hard for me to pretend that nothing happened. I feel there is no justice in the world.
Sonia, you’ve never once expressed your anger to him over what he has done?
When it first happened surely you gave him an ear full didn’t you?
You have a right to your anger but what good is expressing it to him going to do? If you’ve never told him how angry you are then do it. Get it out of your system. Write him an email and let him know you think he is a dog. Give it to him with both barrels!
When you do that though don’t expect it to make any difference to him. And don’t expect it to make any difference in the way you feel. You can tell him daily how angry you are, it isn’t going to take away the anger you feel. And it darn sure isn’t going to get you an apology from him.
There are many women who’ve gotten apologies. They get apologies when their ex realizes he screwed up and wants to come home. They get an apology years down the road when their ex comes to the realization of how badly he treated them.
Some get apologies, some don’t. Telling him how much you hate him and being angry with him isn’t going to motivate him to apologizes to you for anything. It is only going to feed his anger.
What you are feeling is NORMAL Sonia. It is what every woman in your position feels. I wanted an apology, I deserved one. Never got it and could care less anymore whether I ever do or not. That is the way all this works. As time goes on your anger and pain lessen until one day he is just some man out there that you could care less about. You just have to be willing to let time pass.
Don’t pretend as if nothing has happened. Something terrible has happened to you and your children. What you really want is to undo what has happened. I wish I could tell you a way to do that. I can’t though…life sucks rocks at times and all we can do is deal with it and move forward.
As for justice…you are on the wrong side of justice when it comes to relationships. Hopefully your attorney will make sure you don’t end up on the wrong side of legal justice.
Cathy, he was clever the way he told me. He sat me down and said he wasn’t happy and he wasn’t in love anymore. I was in shock and asked him if there was another woman. He denied it. I just asked if he would go to marriage counseling, considering our many years together, and he said absolutely not. Then I crept miserably away. So no anger expressed at that time. In general, I am a quiet little mouse.
By the time I learned from emails that he was hooking up with a person he’d met on the Internet and had cheated in the past, I was so demoralized and emotionally broken that I couldn’t express my anger at that time, either. I did tell him I thought what he was doing was disgusting and wrong, especially having sex with others and then coming home and having sex with me. It still makes me feel ill to think of it. I told him the honorable way would be to end the marriage if you must, and then go hooking up with other people.
“As time goes on your anger and pain lessen until one day he is just some man out there that you could care less about.”
I think he’s disgusting, and I don’t care what he does anymore. If we had no kids, I would just cut off contact. Instead, I must send my kids off with “some man out there that [I] could care less about.” All these years, I’ve been so careful about who my kids spend time with. I screen all their teachers, tutors, and coaches. Now the law requires that I must send them off to spend time with some immature loser who cheats on his wife and treats her like dirt.
I don’t trust him or respect him anymore. I question his judgment because he’s clearly lost his moral compass. He is the last person I want my kids to spend time with. And yet every other weekend, that’s where they go. From what I understand, I am supposed to smile as they go and pretend that I am OK with it. But it’s not OK for them to spend time with someone who has no sense of right or wrong. I don’t want them to follow his example and become sneaky, cruel, lazy, and selfish.
I read this, and after the experiences I had, this is not unique to men who cheat on women, but also women who cheat on men. I was married to a women, who grew up in a household of all men, and fought with her mom. She was introduced to a lot of crap early on in her life. When she cheated on me. She not only hated, but she feared. The physical abuse skyrocketed from the hate, and then she became very controlling when she feared. But then she would cheat, and many times.
The hate, is what was confusing. I wanted to know what I did wrong and her only response was, “because, you will do it to me.”
I think men and women respond uniquely to hate and fear, but I think hate, is a common trait, for oneself and for the spouse, when there is cheating going on.
“I think hate, is a common trait, for oneself and for the spouse, when there is cheating going on.”
I agree Travis. It is about self-loathing and what better way to feel good about yourself than to transfer that loathing onto your spouse.
About the hate and fear thing. I think they are one and the same. You dig beneath hatred and anger and you find fear.
Sorry about your situation. Sorry you wife suffered as a child. That is no excuse for bad behavior as an adult though. I’ve never thought so anyway.
@Cathy – Fear begats hate. They are not the same, one will lead to the other. If not caught and corrected. If you treat them the same, you will not be able to determine where the cycle begins and ends.
A great quote I heard is that once your over 30, you have no one to blame but yourself.
See, at one moment, there was fear that I would cheat on her, then she would hate me for this future “cheating” and then return with vengeance without the cheating becoming realized.
Then she would fear that “this time” I would retaliate. and then she would seek vengeance to beat me to the punch.
An interesting circular effect. Just with poor inductive reasoning.
And it was just pure crazy.
Thanks for the wonderful article! I can put my signature under every word of it! LOL. It’s nice to know the inner reasons of why it happened after 28 years of our “perfect marriage”. Thanks!
This site is a life saver!
Sonia says,
#
What I really want is an apology. Has any ex in the history of divorce ever gotten an apology from a former spouse who behaved really, really badly–who betrayed, rejected, and humiliated their devoted spouse of many years? That would go a long way toward healing the pain I feel. It’s so hard for me to pretend that nothing happened. I feel there is no justice in the world.
#
Hey Sonia, this is a great question. Like Cathy says the apology usually comes years later if at all. The problem is forgiveness. How do you forgive someone who has no remorse.
Erica Manfred
author
He’s History; You’re Not:Surviving Divorce After Forty
http://www.heshistory.com
Sonia
I just cannot express how similar our stories are… the nager the loneliness, the hatred for him who did exactly what your husband did to you is just not going away…fortunately or I really donno if it is,..he is back now almost every third day home to see my kids and helps me in all house work, spends on us and our comforts a lot, but stays away in a flat he moved out to 2 years back, (pretext that he was vexed) and we found out it was due to an affair he was deep into , later….now he does show he cares, (I think), but he just doesnt want to shift saying the office is close to his flat and he wokrs long hours and doesnt want to commute 4 hrs/day to be with his family. He also says he will forgive me, hey- isnt it the other way round after he cheated me almost three times?????? Why am I bending backwards to stay ? I also asked him many times to come back and forget all that happened…why do we sill hope against hope?? I dont even want an apology Sonia like you do, but just a commitment once thta he will not repeat it ….it hurts a lot – I cannot express to even write all this….and accept all this, but only for our children we do it…..dont we? Why??? Why do we fear leaving this? I need an answer on what to do.. He says he will be home as often as possible, help in all ways, but he is not committing to sex or to coming back to me 100%…he says he is being candid and I must take it or leave it..but when I said I will go, he says go, but tries to make up in his own way and said dont then ever come back….in anger.. I cant make out what he wants… he is unwilling to talk or go to any counsellor and has shut off from all friends.office.home members… what do I do???can someone help me???
Thank you.
I moved to another state with my husband’s consent for better employment opportunities. After 5 months, I find out that my husband hasn’t told me the truth much lately. He wrote me an e-mail expressing his anger towards me. He talked about Anger, Guilt and Remorse. He said I would never forgive him because he “talked” to a lady friend about our situation. It seems that the forgiveness part is the guilt he feels for being unfaithful to me. And it wasn’t talking.
He says in the e-mail that he was living a double life and that he did lie about going to get together with friends. He doesn’t have to lie about get togethers unless there is something going on. I go to get togethers and he says have fun. Plus, he wouldn’t mention who he was going out with. Probably because his friends would not cover up his lies.
The Anger, Remorse and Guilt he expressed is a sympton as described above. It is to me an evidence that he’s been cheating on me.
HE DOES NOT ADMIT IT. Does anyone have an advice how I should approach the situation further?
Many thanks in advance
After 39 years of marriage i intercepted a text message from my husbands girlfriend. He had been to a week long workshop in Ohio and came home a day late. I had not been able to contact him while he was in Ohio. Needless to say, we are in the process of getting a divorce. He was my first love and only love. I devoted my life to him and my family totally. I am devastated. I can not believe he has done this to our family.
Mary I know just how you feel. My husband walked out on me and my children after 24 years of marrige. Lets call it a trail seperation he told me and I want to be happy and we dont get along. He moved in with his parents and a few days later flew to Florida to be with his girlfriend for 3 weeks. While he was there I filed for divorce and our lives have been shattered. When I told him he owed me an apology he had the nerve to say “for what”. I cant believe this was my husband and love of my life. He was my high school love and my first everything. I gave this man everything and this is what I get.
The guys story:
Please answer this;
1) My wife is cheating, Why do I feel so bad, I didn’t cheat yet she treats me like I’ve cheated on her.
2) She won’t confess and just tell the whole truth, won’t apologize or accept my pain.
3) How long will this go on?
4) Won’t make eye contact and at times its like I’m not in the same room.
Joe, though I’m no ‘expert’ per say, I’ve been in your shoes. And I’m wondering if you two are in couples therapy yet….cause you
need to be.
Have you heard of the book, After The Affair? After my husband cheated on me, our counsellor said we HAD to read it before our next session. And basically what it does is provide a great overview of how the other person feels and what your responsibilties towards each other during this turbulant time are. As the perpetrator, your ex needs to be bending over backwards to regain your trust. But obviously, this isn’t going to happen if she’s still denying it or fully coming clean. I’d strongly recommend you get this book so you can make sense of your feelings (which are normal) and have some sense of True North
Perpetrators often act like ‘you’re the cause of my pain’ because it’s easier to blame and oftentimes, they’re wracked with guilt and anger. I remember my ex treated me so poorly before knowledge of his affair came out – I see now that that was all his “stuff” – and very unfair to me.
AS for how long this will go on…Joe, you can’t make her come clean or force her to take reponsibility for it or see a counsellor. You can only decide what is/isn’t working for you. Thus, if you know for a fact this affair is happening, I say YOU make the decision to take action, whether it’s through a confrontation, an ultimatum regarding counselling, or asking her to leave or vice versa. You don’t deserve to spend another day of your life swimming in this cess pool.
I know it’s scary…beleive me, I know. But it’s your life and your well-being and you are not a doormat.
delainem: You’ve hit the nail on the head. I can’t explain the pain that is with me 24 hours 7 days a week. It just isn’t going away and my life is hanging by a thread. Those who have or are going through this know what I mean, If you haven’t been cheated on you cannot comprehend how your life is changed. I will never be the person I was before, it is like the souls life candle has been put out. Each day is a struggle to find some reason to continue living. In the end I look at the person I’ve spent 15 years with and I don’t know them. Will I ever be able to trust them or and women again? Our child has watched his father meld down. It’s 9 months that I’ve known. Still no progress, sectretive behavior continues and grows. I will eventually get to a point where I look at this person (my wife) and will most likely leave her. It will be a great travasty, I know in my heart I am good, I’ve tried for years but it always ends up in a fight because I am always wrong, on the defence trying to justify my feelings. I feel used and mistreated like half of my adult life has been lost. I can’t understand how someone can do this to another. No apology, nothing. If you treated an animal half this bad you’d be charged with a crime. I’m lucky if I sleep 4 to 5 hours a night and that is with the aid of sleeping pills. some night 2 to 3 hours sleep, it’s been over 8 months of this. She takes naps and sleeps through the night.(In a seperate bedroom). Another link in the family divorse chain? People are ignorant creatures aren’t they? Affairs are about sex, thats the truth, you won’t sleep with your spouce yet you will screw someone else, wipe your mouth and say what,I did nothing wrong, we had problems before. As if this is ok, this is justified, as if its your falt. Meanwhile your spouce you cheated on is distroyed, forever.
“I will eventually get to a point where I look at this person (my wife) and will most likely leave her.”
Eventually? What will be left of you Joe when you get to that point? Your questions above are all about your wife and her behavior. Why are you not asking yourself questions about your behavior?
1. Have you considered that you remain to feel so bad because you are not standing up for yourself? Instead of being concerned about why your wife is treating you with disrespect why not become concerned with why you are allowing her to treat you with disrespect?
2. Her confessing won’t take away your pain. She could confess, apologize, regret it, fall the her knees and accept your pain. You are still going to hurt. You need to stop expecting her to be anything other than what she is…a cheater. Stop expecting her to care about what she has done to you. Her caring isn’t going to lessen your pain one iota.
3. It will go on as long as you allow it to go on. Only you can say when enough is enough. As long as you continue to live in a home with a woman who is actively cheating on you, you are going to experience pain. You need to get into individual counseling and work on finding out why you are allowing yourself to be a victim of her bad behavior.
4. You’ve taught her that it is OK to not make eye contact with you. You’ve taught her that she can live in your home and screw another man. Why should she acknowledge you? Why should she give you any kind of respect when you’ve shown her that you have no self-respect?
I’m going to put myself in your wife’s shoes. I’m living with you and have another man on the side. You’ve cried, melted down, gotten angry but you haven’t put your foot down. You haven’t told me that you will not accept my bad behavior. That if I want another man, you won’t be available.
You khow what I’m going to do? I’m going to treat you like you are trash I found on the bottom of my shoe. An annoyance, someone I have to put up with until I make up my mid whether I want to stay or leave and be with the other man.
I’m having my cake and eat it to and am going to continue to do so until it becomes to uncomfortable for me. Right now, no one is taking any action to cause me any discomfort. No one is letting me know that I’m behaving badly. I have no reason to do anything other than what I’m already doing…coming home to you after sleeping with another man.
You are in a hell of a situation Joe. The thing I’ve learned is that our pain does not begin to lessen until we finally take steps to improve the situation we are in. How long are you going to allow the situation to remain the same?
Cathy:
What you say is hard to swallow, only because it hits home. The truth is difficult to face. I have been blaming myself for a long time. I was raised in such a way that trust and honesty are a way of life and character is more important than money or things. I thought my wife possessed these. I was mistaken and put so much faith in her. There has never been anything I wouldn’t do for her and she knows it. I’ve put thousands of hours fixing up our old farm house over the years and her name was on every nail and brush stroke so she could have a nice home.
I discovered her deception in June and notes dating back to April. I’ve sensed this other times over the our years together but never thought she would ever do something like this.
So one year is coming up soon. She’ll have had a year to turn herself around. (I don’t see it happening though.) She will have lost a good husband,father and a kind person. I can’t survive under these conditions and our child’s life will be altered forever. Some people are self centered, they justify there actions and close there minds to anything that is said. Her decision was made long before she was caught. The act was planned, deliberate and calculated. She shut down to me because she got caught. If she wasn’t caught she would still be living a life of deception, adultry and lies ( only I wouldn’t have known ).
I live in a state of no fault divorce, which means she’ll walk away with our son, everything I worked for, a new husband or lover and I’ll pay her rent(child support) for the rest of my life then become a visitor a couple of times a month to our son. Thats why I’ve lived through this hell Cathy. What she has done isn’t against the law. If I don’t live with this I will loose my son who I have been with every single day of his life. She has a gun at the back of my head and if I make the wrong move my life with my son will end. She can decide if she wants our marriage to succeed or fail, adults make that kind of decision but our son can’t, he’s a child.
She knows it and has told me she will take him from me if I confront her anymore about her affair and relations with other men. The panic never ends for someone like me Cathy, we just try to get through the day one moment at a time. I am dying slowly from the inside as my soul decays, there is nothing I can do because she holds my life in the palm of her hand and doesn’t give a damn about me and our sweet little boy. If she did care I wouldn’t be writting this note.
Cathy:
After some days have past and emotions change like waves on the water. I guess this is how things are. The stability we take for granted is lost isn’t it? When we loose the person we trusted most in our lives it has great effect on who we are. A loss of self, A loss of identity. Makes one wonder if that trust can ever be gained back. There will always be dought. The most damaging crime is crime of the heart.
Joe, the one thing I learned from my divorce is to never take anything for granted. The day before my ex left I would have bet my life my marriage would last forever. I was very stable and took it for granted that it would always be that way.
Yes, the loss of that stability and the realization that the one we love no longer loves us is emotionally devastating. It changes who we are as a person. Whether the change is a good one or not is up to us though, not the one who left us.
I’ve been divorced 11 years. I no longer hurt but I have not forgotten the pain and loss I felt back then. When my ex left he took not only the dreams and plans we had built, he took 87% of his income and left me with two boys to raise. I didn’t know who I was and had no faith in myself to start over.
I’m proof though that the hardest thing a person can go through can end up being a blessing. I never thought the day would come when I would be actually say that all that pain was worth where I am today and who I am.
I guess what I’m trying to say it, you get through it. You learn to trust again…yourself and others. The doubt goes away and the one who harmed you emotionally is forgotten. I make you that promise.
As for no-fault divorce laws…those pertain to the financial aspect of divorce, not child custody. I’m going to give you some advice I wish someone had given me. DO NOT let her be the one to file for a divorce. When she does that it puts you on the defensive and gives her the upper hand.
Most courts are favoring 50?50 custody these days and you have a better chance of gaining that or full custody if you file for a divorce and put her on the defensive. Find yourself an attorney who has experience with custody issues during divorce. Find one who believes in fighting for a father’s right to equal or full custody and let him go to work making sure that you have as much if not more time with your child as your wife.
You are right about her being able to decide whether your marriage fails or succeeds. You can wait around for her to make that decision or you can take the first steps toward protecting your legal and financial rights.
If she is going to decide she wants the marriage it won’t matter what you do or don’t do. Many marriages have been saved on the courthouse steps. Many spouses have realized that divorce was not what they wanted. Many haven’t but those who chose to protect themselves end up being happy they did.
I’ve been dealing with a cheating wife for 4 months. She’s 39. We’ve been married for 9 years. In Sept she hooked up with her first boyfriend on Facebook. I eventually found emails and discusting pictures. I fould out she had a secret tracfone so I couldn’t see the calls on her cell phone bill. I heard her saying “I love you. I can’t wait to be with you.”. She denied it and lied and made up stories and when I showed her the evidence, she admitted it and said I won’t talk to him any more. That was a lie too. She continued to talk to him on the tracfone and email and he even pretended to be a female on Facebook so they could still talk. I don’ know if they have physically gotten together but it’s hard to believe they haven’t. I intercepted a couple of plans they had set up for physical dates and I stopped them.
She said she wants to leave but can’t because she doesn’t have the money. I said for her to get a job and a studio apartment. She said no. 2 days later, she said “I decided I’m going to stay married and go to school.”. Duh. I wonder what her plan is now?
She just registered for college so she is probably planning on using me to set herself up with a career first.
Without getting into the details, it has been very horrible for me. We have 2 little kids and like Joe, I don’t want to be without them.
I’m assuming, that she will continue to have her cake and eat it to until I do something about it or until it is confortable for her to leave. The only choice I see is to file for divorce and have her served.
I would love for her to say that she had a mental breakdown or mid life crisis, get treated, apologize, and be back to the trustworthy person that I married. It doesn’t look like that is gonna happen. I have to make a choice or continue to live in my own personal hell.
Dave, you are right, you have to make a choice and only you know the choice that is right for you.
I would suggest though that you see an attorny. Just talk to one to see what you can do to start protecting yourself legally. You don’t know what she has plans and whatever that is, you want to be ready.
Also, if she wants to go to school, great. Please don’t make the mistake of paying any of her expenses though. You don’t want to make a financial investment on a future for her if there is a chance you won’t get a return on that investment.
Hang in there, you never know. She could very well realize what she has to lose and come to her senses. Hope is your best friend. Good, common sense is your second best friend so while you are working to keep your family together make sure you are also protecting your legal and parental rights.
Its been a year almost. Still half denials. Not telling the truth. Always wondering and sad. No eye contact and no discussion just argument and denial. The affair has ended 16 years together for me. I would have spent the rest of my life with her if I didn’t catch her. But I senced it and to this day I still sence it. Her behavior is different than the person I was married to. I beleive I have come to the point that I will let her go. I need to release her. I told her this, I am to that point where I am emotionally beginning to detach. All her talk about morals and doing the right thing ect… I’m in my late 40′s and our son is young but I don’t want to be raised in this environment. He’s ten and he needs to learn that he does not have to spend his life with a cheating wife when he gets older. For his sake if not my own, life is short and if your spouce betrays you, give her time to make good. If she doesn’t then dump her as she has already done the same to you. And you know you are honorable and the better for moving on with no regrets in the end. Everyone makes mistakes, but what you do about those mistakes is the true test of who you are.
Today was a big if not major day today.
I told my wife I am finished living with dought,suspision, fear, panic, pain,sadness. Its been nearly a year of this.
You name it because a cheating spouse distroys your world to say the least. I told her straight up I’m finished and will end this marriage.
I will not have my son living in this environment and I will not subject myself to another minute of this. I told her I would rather he come from a broken family rather than live in one.
Its like I’ve been living in a nightmare for nearly a year now. I’m done. Thats it.
Soon it will also be 11 years of a sexless marriage, she does not even allow me to sleep in the same room as her, no tuching,no kissing…nothing,
Well you know what, I realize the truth now and I’m getting out of this. I blamed myself and took her cratiquing and put downs enough.
I’m a good honest caring person and she just ripped me down time after time. Like I was some kind of creap for wanting a sex life.
I told her I’m done and she will have to prove to me that I can trust her. I told her that I have desires and sexual wants and needs. (Doesn’t any well balanced person?) And if she doesn’t have those wants and need for me then that is fine. But, I am finished with her then, I’m not spending the rest of my life without the love and effection that she once shared with me.
I will heal. I will meet another careing person and I will know the special warmth in my heart knowing another excepts me. I will find someone who will allow themselves to be loved.
I still remember the warmth she once had for me and those where the best days of my life.
I don’t know what happens to some women, their husbands become like a piece of furnature to them.
When a man marries he gives his soul. Over years of nagging, lack of apreciation and intamacy his soul begins to decay.
Ladies, all we want is to be loved it that simple, We would give you the world, work ourselves to an early grave and die for you with no regrets.
Joe, my heart breaks for you as I’ve read your past couple of emails. I can feel your pain – have been there in my own way too – and the disillusionment that surrounds you. Getting to the final decision to leave is a really tough one – it can feel like an endurance test of battery – how much can/do we take before we take the finally steps to dissolve a family dream that has meant so much to us?
But like you said, you can feel it decaying your soul. You’ve gone eleven years without intimacy, touch, desire, closeness…and her deception on top of it is like salt on a deep wound. You’ve taken so much of her abuse and remained loyal, steadfast, a “rock”. And no, you don’t have to go on living this way, and neither does your child need to be exposed to it.
One step at a time Joe, that’s all I can say. Take this time to plan and prepare your course of action, knowing that you’re going to have lots of emotional ups and downs. You may want to check out some of our articles on here under COPING – Deciding to Leave and Important First Steps. My heart goes to you and your son as you venture forward.
I have a unquie case I think… I’ve been with my Husband for 13 yrs,married for 8. He was married before me and divorced 15 yrs ago b/c she cheated on him and left him for her other man. He is now cheating on me with her. She contacted him via facebook a little over a year ago and they have had an emotional affair going ever since. They do have physcial contact now, but i don not know to what extent. Since she first contacted him, he has become depressed, unhappy in what was a very happy marriage, distanced himself from friends and family and has been attempting to contact old high school buddies to “relive the glory days”. (YES, he actually said that in a email to one old buddy.) He tells me he doesn’t know what he wants and hasn’t made any final decisions. He left for a week and stayed at his mom’s house alone while she was out of town, and when he returned he said it was only until I got a job and had the money to move out and it was to be as “friends” and he sleeps on the couch. Says he needs “time and space” and doesn’t want me questioning him on anything. Is there ANY hope to save my marriage?
Sounds like Midlife Crisis to me Melinda. Is there a way to save your marriage? Only time will tell.
I can tell you this, in order to save it you are going to have to swallow your pride and put up with things you never thought you would find acceptable.
You need to go to Divorce Busting. They have a forum on site. Look for the one dealing with Mid Life Crisis. You will be able to connect with other people going through what you are going through.
You will either end up saving your marriage or yourself or both. You’ve got a lot of work ahead of you. My only advice is to not lose yourself in the hope of saving your marriage.
Joe, I’m four years out from where you are. Your statements brought back the memories, made me tear up. But the memories did not destroy me. They did not cause me to have a bad day. They did not make me think I was a bad person. They did not put me on edge, waiting for a good reason to be angry. I will not be incapacitated today, with unanswered questions circling endlessly in my mind. Time plus therapy plus commitment to get over it can make this go by more quickly.
It took two years before I really got it – that I needed to forgive my ex. I sure didn’t want to. I finally did, and also apologised for any part I had in the relationship not working (don’t read that wrong, this was very one sided on who mistreated who). I don’t think she appreciated it, but that is normal. The cheaters wove their web of lies to justify their actions long ago. Forgiveness is not for the forgiven, it is for the person who forgives. I let go of all that crap that was stealing my life from me. (then it comes back, weaker, and recognising it you let it go again…)
My son and I have become much closer since the divorce. We miss each other and appreciate each other so much. He is well aware of who I really am, and as far as I know, he dosen’t know about the affair. Why would he need to hear that old news, ever? His mom and I need to parent together, without regard for old history. How would her guilt from the past help with homework? How would the old never ending arguement of who’s fault it is help decide what time to pick him up? Leave the kids out of it. It wasn’t their arguemnt, and you can have a fantastic loving and rewarding relationship with your children after the divorce, and especially after you (meaning my experience) stop feeling sorry for yourself, stand up for yourself, and demand to have your life back.
Read After the Affair. Go to counciling. Tell your story until you realise it is not such a new or interesting one to everyone else. Recognise that now that you are divorced, the person taking your power away is YOU (ME!). Stop rolling around in you pain and get on with your life. Easy to write, not so easy for me to do. You have been injured, I hope you get better soon.
So If I have it all togeather why am I reading this site? Because I have a high quality woman and high quality sex in my life now, and I don’t want my old sh– screwing it up. There is life, love and tenderness after divorce if you do the hard work to get over it.
What I have learned is this….there are stages to grief. Divorce is just like grieving over a death. It’s the death to all our dreams and hopes with this person who promised to forsake all others and spend the rest of their lives with us. It just wasn’t supposed to go down the way it did! First there is shock, pain, ANGER (that was a biggie for me), sadness and then acceptance. Believe me, I have gone through every single one of these emotions. I now realize that I never want to go back to being the woman that I was when I was married for 26 years accepting bad behavior from another person and enabling their bad behavior to continue. It’s taken me awhile to get to this point but I feel so alive and I am definitely much better off now than I was back then! If that means I am by myself for the rest of my life, so be it! Remember everyone and I offer these words of encouragement, forgiveness is a BIG step to healing not for them, but for each and every one of us who have been wronged whether a man or woman. I leave you with these words…….. unforgiveness is like eating poison while waiting for the other person to die.
Readers:
My story is SO different from yours. I hope I can get some encouragment and sound advice beforeyou kick me off and tell me to try another website. Ok, here goes…
My 10 year relationship (7 1/2 year marriage) to my husband crumbled earlier this week when my husband accused me of cheating. This all stemmed from me forgetting my phone while working. Did he find incriminating evidence of an affair? Did he see illicit pics from a man? Did my lover call while he had my phone?
The answer to all of these is “NO!” I am not cheating, there are no texts from any men (except our grown sons,) and there are no naked pics of men (except the ones from our daughter of our 3 month old grandson.) When he picked me up from work, I was in his words and in hindsight, very quiet and melancholy. I didn’t kiss me when I got in the car and I agree that is totally out of character for me. I didn’t have a bad day at work, per se, but just a long and tiring one. He repeatedly asked if he had done something wrong and I assured him he hadn’t and I was ok. But he swears it is because of what I feared he had seen in my phone earlier in the day and was trying to “feel him out.” When i asked if he looked in my phone, he told me he didn’t want to go looking for something because he just might find it. I assured him that nothing was going on and I had never been unfaithful nor had I ever had the desire.
It got heated and he asked me to leave the house. It was close to 10 pm so I refused. After repeated attempts to calm him down and discuss the situation, he told me he hoped it was worth it and left- but not before he told me he would be filing for divorce the next morning. He spent the 1st 2 nights away from home but came home every morning to take me to work. He finally stayed home last night. After 10 minutes in bed with me and questions as to what he had done wrong, he moved to the couch.
I have moved from hurt, confused, shocked, and dumbfounded to plain old ticked. Afterall, I am the wife who doesn’t go out without him, stays at home with him and/or the kids. I love him with all my heart. I still get butterflies when I see him. His touch still makes me shiver. Until this past Monday, we were still hanging on to our “honeymoon phase.” We still do the sickening sweet stuff. I just don’t know where all this came from.
I have seen several references to “After the Affair.” Is this something I should be reading? If it will help with the healing and understanding process if he does persue a divorce, I’m game. But I don’t want him to take it as a silent admission of guilt.
You don’t need to read “after the affair” if there has been no affair. Just because he is accusing you of one does not mean you should behave as if there was one.
My ex left accusing me of things. He left because he wanted out of the marriage and making accusations of bad behavior on my part helped him look like he “had no choice.” Maybe your husband is doing the same thing?
You need to ask him where it is all coming from. Tell him you didn’t have an affair and you aren’t going to allow him to accuse you of one just so he can get a divorce and still feel good about himself.
Tell him if he wants out he is free to leave but to at least be a man about it.
Hi Cathy and everyone! I came across this website today and just LOVE it!!!!! This article is all about my life and how my marriage went down. I just read it and wept. It’s so helpful to know I am not alone out there. I’ve been posting for some time on HuffPo (same name) so my story is out there. But I’m glad to have found another site that’s going to help me with my healing. Thank you.
Thanks Indie Mom, I’ve seen you over at HuffPo. Very happy you made your way here and have found the site to be helpful. I hope you come back often!
I have just found out that my husbang is cheating on me. I have proof of his emails to her. He is out of the country alot cause of his job as a pilot.
I have just email to him on what i have found out , It has been 3 days now and I have not heard from him. I am in so much of pain. I am not sure if he will be truthful or will respond to me. What can i expect after this?
Nat, I’m sorry you are going through this. You say you fear he won’t be honest with you, but he doesn’t need to be honest about something if you have emails that are proof of what he has done. Does he?
If you have proof via emails would it make any difference if he lied? The first thing you have to do is accept what you have found out. DO NOT let him manipulate you with lies. I know you want to hear from him that it isn’t true but what you want and what you need in this situation are two different things.
You NEED to know whether or not you are married to someone who is cheating on your. I know you don’t like the way knowing such a thing makes you feel but knowing and acknowledging it is the only way you can move forward. You have two choices, deal with the truth of the situation and the two of you work together to save the marriage or file for a divorce and move on with your life.
What you can expect is completely up to you. You are the one with information that proofs your husband is cheating. That makes you the one in control over what happens next. It is totally up to you…attempt to salvage your marriage or divorce him.
It will take time but you will eventually make the decision that is right for you.
My best!
Hi guys. Your comments are a great insight to whats happening in my life. We were living ovberseas and my husband got involved in some fraudulent business and ws deported. I was forced to go back to our country because of him. And also bwecause our daughter was only 2 at the time. Once we got here it took him two months before he started cheating. I found messages in his phone to another woman and rang the woman who told me he was telling her that I was just a baby mama. And he was only with me because I was a virgin when he met me. After that I confronted him and he was mad at first then he admitted to it. He went out of the counry for two weweks whe i found out then when he came back we were councelled by his step father. So i took him back. 8months after the affair I found out i was pregnant with our 2nd daughter. I found out he was cheating again when our 2nd daughter was 7months old. He put it down to me nagging and not getting over him cheating the 1st time. The things is he continued seeing this other 2nd afffair through and i found out just last year when his business collapsed. Now he is trying to involve me in his new business but is still not remorseful about what he did to me. I can get over it and he is at home now all the time and says he is mature now and is open to counselling. He says he did it because he thought he could get away with it. Guys Ive been with this man for eternity and have his kids. My parents are divorced and are living their own lives so me and my siblings basically grew up with relatives because of their divorce. It hurts me to make my daughters go through ddivorce but this man does what he wants, when he wants and sometimes he even says theres no use complaining cos youre still here. He says do something. I left a good job overseas and Ive been looking for jobs but am at a dead end. I feel so helpless and hopeless. Help.
Does counselling help?
Sweet mother of God. Almost all the comments I have read are people that are or were too spineless to do what needed to be done. Yes, I have been married. Yes, I had children with her. Yes, after presenting the case to the courts I was able to get custody. The biggest thing in the situation is to stop feeling fricking sorry for yourselves and look at the situation through rational glasses. If someone cheats on you and they don’t immediately break down, confess, and beg for forgiveness, they don’t care enough about you for you to coninue caring about them. Stop being the smaller person and stand up for yourself. If you need to, get mad. Don’t ever lay hands on your former loved one, but anger is a completely rational response. Yell at them, talk to them, write them a note. Whatever you need to do to let them know they hurt you. But most of all, if they show no remorse or deny it when you have hard proof, LEAVE. If it’s your house tell them if they don’t you’ll call the cops for trespassing. BELIEVE ME, they’ll come. Take back control of your lives and stop feeling sorry for yourselves. Tomorrows another day… Oh, and nothing feels better than taking another chance after someone in your past let you down. Freedom is a wonderful thing. Especially from your own fear…
To Depressed and Confused,
The reason your hubby is accusing YOU of having an affair is because HE is! This is classic behavior. Snoop a bit, get your girlfriends to help, look at financial records, credit cards, dinners out, gifts you didn’t get. I would bet 100% that you will find he’s been cheating on YOU. He accuses you of what he’s been doing #1 to assuage his guilt by his fantasy that it’s ok because he wants to believe you’ve been doing it too and #2 to give him and out and have it be ok with family and friends by making you take the fall of loss of respect from those people and #3 for the courts when the eventual divorce does get to court – he doesn’t even have to file for adultery – he can add that falsity to his brief. Watch out for this one… watch the finances because his steps now are to cheat you out of marital assets and retirements. If I were you, knowing what I know now, I would file for divorce tomorrow and petition the court to put an immediate freeze on all assets. Go thru your house and put the valuables in storage and take pictures or video of all you own (furniture, jewelry, artwork, everything). Again, HE is cheating on YOU. This accusation did NOT just come out of the blue. It’s a deceitful plan to sink you. Act now!