SEX – How Long Could/Should You ‘Go Without’?

Submitted by: Delaine Moore6a010536f43000970c01156f8ac236970c-800wi

My divorced friend and I were standing together watching our kids play ball in the field.  Suddenly, she blurted:  “Can you believe I haven’t had sex in over two years?”

“You can not be serious,” I replied emphatically.

She laughed and shook her head.  “Yes, I’m afraid I am.  Since I got divorced I’ve had to go back to school and be a full-time single parent and struggle to make money.  I really just haven’t had time to date.”

I tactfully asked her questions: Were there religious reasons holding her back from having sex?  Was she concerned about being labelled a ‘Divorcee’?  Was she afraid of intimacy?  Had her ex-husband abused her?

But none of these were factors.  She said, “Believe me, Delaine, it’s NOT cause I don’t want sex.  I’ve just had so much on my plate, that ‘going without’ has become a bad habit.”

Later on that evening after tucking my kids in bed, I began wondering, “CAN going without sex, in fact, become a ‘bad habit’?”   How many women put taking care of their kids and organizing their new lives so far ahead of physical intimacy that they find themselves in a serious rut?  My girlfriend had expressed how pent-up she felt – moody, edgy – especially around ovulation time.  She’d also expressed that her self-esteem had plummeted; she questioned if she was even desirable to men.  To me, that seemed a crime – she was a lively, hardworking, beautiful woman in her prime.Then I wondered: Is ‘going without’ harder on a woman’s over all well-being than we think?  Is it better to have sex just for sex than to ‘go without’ for TWO YEARS?

We all hear about  STDS, unwanted pregnancies, commitment issues, selfish lovers and all the other ‘scary’  reasons why we should wait for the next serious relationship. But what about the times sex without love is good – or even fantastic.  The times when you walk around the next day feeling a bit ‘achy’ down there and a smirk on your face.  The times you walk with a skip in your step, like your cells are vibrating so much faster that everyone must know you had great sex the night before.

So I’m putting it out to you.  Do you think ‘going without’ CAN become a ‘bad habit’ with unhealthy consequences, or is it worth it?  According to YOUR rules, how long could/should you ‘go without’?

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

Comments

  1. 1

    says

    Going without became a habit for me, one based on lessons taught me decades ago about what it meant to be a “good girl.”
    I did not write those rules but have to take responsibility for continuing to buy into them as an adult. Going without for me was a matter of maintain a level of comfort.
    I had been sexually rejected throughout the majority of my marriage. God forbid I put myself out there and be rejected again.
    It was all about fear. Fear of no longer being a “good girl” and fear of rejection. The good news is fears and self-imposed rules can be faced and changed.

  2. 2

    Susan says

    LOL…I could do two years easy!
    By choice, I went almost 7 years without sex…and I was married at the time (closer to 8 if you count this first year of being separated). Was it healthy for me, probably not. Did I take care of business by myself…yes. Did I want to have sex…hell yes. With my ex…hell no. Was I willing to cheat and risk my family…no. I made my choice because at the time the relationship was going downhill fast, I was not physically attracted to my STBX, I did not like who he was as a person, what he did, decisions he made, how he treated me, how I was when I was with him…and knowing all of that…why would I want to have sex with him?
    Thank goodness I am out of that situation can choose (or not) to be with someone because I like who they are, they engage and challenge and stimulate my brain and emotions, I am attracted to them physically, or a combination of all of those things.

  3. 3

    Mili says

    my god… that was the first thing I wanted after I got divorced..GET LAID… and it took like a couple of months…lol

  4. 4

    says

    Mili, lucky you! It was the first thing I wanted also but it took longer than a couple of months.
    At times I am my own worst enemy.

  5. 5

    Nan says

    I’ve never had sex, just for sex. I’ve always had to be highly attracted to a man to do the nasty with him and we all know what happens when there is an attraction.
    What I wonder is how do you have sex just for sex? How does someone who can’t separate her heart from her libido get past that need to have a connection other than just sex?

  6. 6

    says

    For me, Nan, it happened when I dated a few different men that I KNEW couldn’t become more. One lived far away in the United States, one didn’t want to ever be a dad, and one wanted kids. These were complete deal-breaking situations for me. Mentally I knew they’d be upstream battles in the relationship department, so I decided to enjoy what I could with them in the limited days we had together.
    Since then, I’ve learned to use my brain more when it comes to dating, instead of allowing my heart to go on auto-pilot and sweep me off my feet. That romantic idealism is still a part of me, but it no longer automatically dictates my choices.
    That’s how I got there, though it was never a conscious goal. Can’t say it speaks to everyone either.

  7. 7

    Ciccie says

    I got separated in the beginning of october and had sex again in the beginning of december. Lifesaver for me:-) Like many of you sex within the marriage was almost non excisting and I was desperate for some attention and skin to skin contact. The men I have had sex with ( 2 very different men indeed; one not so good looking psychiatrist who was obsessed with his wife, but sex was great. The other an extremely handsome professor of economy and sex was great here as well)were available on the internet, online dating service, and this worked out perfectly well for me I must admit. I recommend it, but you must be finished with the insecurity and low self-esteem that often accompanies a divorce. And be aware that the men you choose aren`t necessarily long lasting relationship material. Once you rid yourself of these things, this way of getting back up on the horse( literally speaking;-) is perfect for some of us:-) Good luck out there sisters!!!!

  8. 8

    Ann says

    my husband and I haven’t had sex in 28 years. We’ve had a good marriage except
    for sex and intimacy. I’m the type of person that does things her way and on my terms. Husband is total opposite, layed back and mello. But he now feels sex is boring,a drag, not exciting and he hates the intiacy thing. It makes him feel creepy.

  9. 9

    Delainem says

    Ann – Not sure what to say to that…28 years without sex? Wow. But I assume you two have been maintained intimacy in other ways…?

    I guess that as long as you’re both OK with it and it’s working for you both too then who am I or anyone esle to judge! All I know is that it wouldn’t work for me.

    Thanks for sharing. Sure makes me wonder about other married couples…

  10. 10

    WearingHeals says

    For me it’s not a matter of being a good or bad girl. I was very wild in my early years and I know what one night stands and casual sex feel like. It’s not that rewarding to me. My marriage of 25 years was very sexual but not intimate so there too I know what that feels like and it is not what I am looking for. In a silly and romantic way I am reserving my intimacy for that next real relationship I know is coming. There is no true value in false modesty and I am anything but modest. It is more of a gift I am giving myself because I know what I want. I did have a short lived relationship after my marriage with the type of intimate sex I had never even dreamed of. It taught me a lot about myself.

  11. 11

    says

    Wearing Heels, you sound like you know what you want. I like that you’re holding out because you consider it a “gift you’re giving yourself,” not because it’s something you feel you ‘should’ do. Your situation was far different from mine in that you had lots of sex during marriage, just not the intimacy – for me, the sex disappears far earlier, thus, when I got divorced I ached for the phsyical touch. To this day, I find great joy and empowerment in taking care of my phsyical needs – I consider that a gift I give myself. At the end of the day, it’s about knowing what we need in order to feel good about ourselves – we’re both there, just acheiving it in two different ways.

    Thanks for sharing.

  12. 13

    Neka123 says

    Hi there, I have to comment it will help me sleep better… Ok so I havnt had sex in about 3 months. Which
    Isent so bad but it was with my x. So yeah my x works in Africa & his away for 3-4 months at a time and then he comes back & of course we meet up and have the most amazing sex everytime. So it’s great but I swear around the two month mark when I haven’t had any relations with guys no sex… I get moody & frustrated. I’m 26 yrs old & I want to enjoy sex again with someone other than my x… & enjoy it

  13. 14

    Yong chick says

    Hey, girls! So…. I’m 22. I broke up with my ex a year ago, then had rebound sex and like some of you: I need to be into the guy for sex to feel good, even if I’m not in love with him. I went pretty much 1 year without getting any, and not because I didn’t want it, it simply didn’t happen. Also, my ex was my first and for me, it was making love and doing something else just didn’t feel like enough, but recently I had sex with a guy I like, but didn’t have a committed relationship with and we’re both clear about the game rules, but we do like each other and it’s been fun. I think that feeling like I can enjoy sex with someone else has helped me finally get over that relationship with my first guy.

  14. 15

    danielle says

    I haven’t had sex in two years with my long time fiance of 8 years.
    I no longer desire him and have no idea how to move on.
    We have no children, but we do have a dog. The other day he “flashed” me to kid around and i found myself looking away embarrassed.
    I feel like his best friend, not his lover.

    Advice?

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