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FLASHING Dating Reminder: You are NOT your story
Submitted by Delaine
A divorced girlfriend of mine was going out on a date – a third date, which rarely happened with her. And as we talked over the phone beforehand, she was almost panicked.
“I actually like this man, Delaine. But the timing couldn’t be worse – my life is such a mess, and I don’t want to get into the details of it with him. I’ll look so pathetic.”
True, her life circumstances had unexpectedly bottomed out. She and her ex were battling over custody issues and he’d stopped paying her child and spousal support. With no income, she was now borrowing off her parents and scrambling to find part-time work while parenting full-time. She was barely keeping her head above the water…
She asked: “What do I talk to him about without getting into all this heavy stuff? I don’t want him to think ‘Holy shit – Desperate Single Mom.’ I want to be authentic with him, and yet I don’t know how to do that without revealing the true circumstances of my life.”
I understood her concern. After all, we all hear about the stereotypical ‘divorcee with luggage.’ It’s carries connotations of shame, as if she has wrecked her life and doesn’t deserve any better; certainly, she’s no ‘prize catch’ for a man.
So what did I say?
“You are NOT your story.”
Then I told her again: “You are NOT your story.”
For how often to we define who we are by the who, what, and when of what’s happening or has happened in our lives? We scramble into our pasts to tell stories, as if they somehow reveal who we truly are and what we’re worth. But KNOWING these stories about ourselves, isn’t the same as BEING our Selves.”
I said, “Yes, you’re going through a tough time right now. But tough times happen to everyone. And you can be honest about that point without getting into the nitty-gritty.”
She sighed and I continued empathetically: “Again hun, shit happens to EVERYONE at some point. You’ve nothing to be ashamed of. The real you is the woman who is dealing with all this crap right now, with courage and strength and compassion and hard-work. You still have a positive energy around you, even if you aren’t waving your pom poms in the air.
You are NOT your story hun. You have to believe in yourself.
You are NOT your story.
You are NOT your story.”
Delaine
www.iamdivorcednotdead.com
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Flashing Warning: Separated Men
I’m the Primary Shareholder of my Heart
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Great post…and what a great reminder. You’re absolutely right. It’s so easy to get caught up in the messy details of our lives that we sometimes forget that we’re more than our baggage. Our life circumstances may help to shape who we are, but they’re not everything about us…
Great post Delaine. Very well said!