SEX – How Long Could/Should You ‘Go Without’?
May 12, 2009 by delainem
Filed under Dating & Sex, celibacy
Submitted by Delaine
My divorced friend and I were standing together watching our kids play ball in the field. Suddenly, she blurted: “Can you believe I haven’t had sex in over two years?”
“You can not be serious,” I replied emphatically.
She laughed and shook her head. “Yes, I’m afraid I am. Since I got divorced I’ve had to go back to school and be a full-time single parent and struggle to make money. I really just haven’t had time to date.”
I tactfully asked her questions: Were there religious reasons holding her back from having sex? Was she
concerned about being labelled a ‘Divorcee’? Was she afraid of intimacy? Had her ex-husband abused her?
But none of these were factors. She said, “Believe me, Delaine, it’s NOT cause I don’t want sex. I’ve just had so much on my plate, that ‘going without’ has become a bad habit.”
Later on that evening after tucking my kids in bed, I began wondering, “CAN going without sex, in fact, become a ‘bad habit’?” How many women put taking care of their kids and organizing their new lives so far ahead of physical intimacy that they find themselves in a serious rut? My girlfriend had expressed how pent-up she felt – moody, edgy – especially around ovulation time. She’d also expressed that her self-esteem had plummeted; she questioned if she was even desirable to men. To me, that seemed a crime – she was a lively, hardworking, beautiful woman in her prime.Then I wondered: Is ‘going without’ harder on a woman’s over all well-being than we think? Is it better to have sex just for sex than to ‘go without’ for TWO YEARS?
We all hear about STDS, unwanted pregnancies, commitment issues, selfish lovers and all the other ‘scary’ reasons why we should wait for the next serious relationship. But what about the times sex without love is good – or even fantastic. The times when you walk around the next day feeling a bit ‘achy’ down there and a smirk on your face. The times you walk with a skip in your step, like your cells are vibrating so much faster that everyone must know you had great sex the night before.
So I’m putting it out to you. Do you think ‘going without’ CAN become a ‘bad habit’ with unhealthy consequences, or is it worth it? According to YOUR rules, how long could/should you ‘go without’?
Delaine
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Going without became a habit for me, one based on lessons taught me decades ago about what it meant to be a “good girl.”
I did not write those rules but have to take responsibility for continuing to buy into them as an adult. Going without for me was a matter of maintain a level of comfort.
I had been sexually rejected throughout the majority of my marriage. God forbid I put myself out there and be rejected again.
It was all about fear. Fear of no longer being a “good girl” and fear of rejection. The good news is fears and self-imposed rules can be faced and changed.
LOL…I could do two years easy!
By choice, I went almost 7 years without sex…and I was married at the time (closer to 8 if you count this first year of being separated). Was it healthy for me, probably not. Did I take care of business by myself…yes. Did I want to have sex…hell yes. With my ex…hell no. Was I willing to cheat and risk my family…no. I made my choice because at the time the relationship was going downhill fast, I was not physically attracted to my STBX, I did not like who he was as a person, what he did, decisions he made, how he treated me, how I was when I was with him…and knowing all of that…why would I want to have sex with him?
Thank goodness I am out of that situation can choose (or not) to be with someone because I like who they are, they engage and challenge and stimulate my brain and emotions, I am attracted to them physically, or a combination of all of those things.
my god… that was the first thing I wanted after I got divorced..GET LAID… and it took like a couple of months…lol
Mili, lucky you! It was the first thing I wanted also but it took longer than a couple of months.
At times I am my own worst enemy.
I’ve never had sex, just for sex. I’ve always had to be highly attracted to a man to do the nasty with him and we all know what happens when there is an attraction.
What I wonder is how do you have sex just for sex? How does someone who can’t separate her heart from her libido get past that need to have a connection other than just sex?
For me, Nan, it happened when I dated a few different men that I KNEW couldn’t become more. One lived far away in the United States, one didn’t want to ever be a dad, and one wanted kids. These were complete deal-breaking situations for me. Mentally I knew they’d be upstream battles in the relationship department, so I decided to enjoy what I could with them in the limited days we had together.
Since then, I’ve learned to use my brain more when it comes to dating, instead of allowing my heart to go on auto-pilot and sweep me off my feet. That romantic idealism is still a part of me, but it no longer automatically dictates my choices.
That’s how I got there, though it was never a conscious goal. Can’t say it speaks to everyone either.
I got separated in the beginning of october and had sex again in the beginning of december. Lifesaver for me:-) Like many of you sex within the marriage was almost non excisting and I was desperate for some attention and skin to skin contact. The men I have had sex with ( 2 very different men indeed; one not so good looking psychiatrist who was obsessed with his wife, but sex was great. The other an extremely handsome professor of economy and sex was great here as well)were available on the internet, online dating service, and this worked out perfectly well for me I must admit. I recommend it, but you must be finished with the insecurity and low self-esteem that often accompanies a divorce. And be aware that the men you choose aren`t necessarily long lasting relationship material. Once you rid yourself of these things, this way of getting back up on the horse( literally speaking;-) is perfect for some of us:-) Good luck out there sisters!!!!