Cheating Husband: Would You Tell Your Children About Your Husband’s Affair?
June 15, 2009 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under Children & Divorce, ericamanfred, Infidelity, Infidelity, Midlife Divorce
Submitted by: Erica Manfred
I spoke at a divorce support group last night and heard some interesting stories about adult children of divorce. One woman’s ex told her 19-year-old son that he was about to divorce her before he told her.
Actually he asked his son whether he thought it was a good idea. I thought I’d heard everything but this was a new twist. The poor kid suffered a breakdown after the divorce.
Another woman shared with the group that her husband was a serial philanderer but she hadn’t told her 21-year-old son the real reason they split. It seemed he had a variety of mental health problems and she was afraid of his reaction. Her marriage counselor and his therapist agreed.
However, her son was curious about the reason for the divorce, and what his father had done and kept asking her. Her ex just lied to him, she said. I told her I felt her son deserved the truth. She didn’t have to tell him the details, just that his father had affairs, period, but I feel that family secrets are toxic.
I shared with her that my parents split up when I was ten, and got back together six months later. I had no idea why they split and neither of them told me. After my dad died, when I was 35, I asked my very proper mother why they broke up and she at first said, “we had problems.” I asked, “what kind of problems?” She said, “you know, problems.” I said, “mom, I’m thirty-five, you can tell me.” Finally she said, looking very embarrassed, “well he had affairs.”
Strangely, I wasn’t shocked although I had no clue he’d ever had affairs. I never saw my dad flirt with other women or any signs that he’d screwed around. But somehow it made sense, considering who they were and what their relationship was like.
She was the domineering wife, who controlled the marriage and took care of him, me and everything else. He was the dependent and resentful spouse, who acted like a rebellious teenager, just like my ex who also cheated, but just with the woman he left me for. It made sense that my handsome dad would rebel by having affairs. He was too dependent on my mom to actually leave.
I told the woman at the group that I wished I’d known about my father’s affairs. She asked why. I told her it would have helped me understand their relationship, my adolescence which was hell, and my own life. I thought I had a right to know about them, if only to sort out my own problems and issues.
I wonder how other older divorced women have handled this issue? How have you dealt with your adult children when it came to explaining their dad’s cheating, or your own for that matter?
My oldest son knew about his father’s infidelity months before I did, yet kept it to himself because he was afraid of what to do with the information. Not until months after our separation did my son tell me that he knew and some of the details about how he knew. The night I asked my husband to leave the home, we had a very horrible argument about the other woman as I thought he had called it off as we were going through marital counseling and really working on things for about 8 weeks. Little did I know he never called it off and had the 2 of us going at the same time.
Anyway — to this day my husband believes his oldest son is estranged from him because of the argument he heard us having and the name I called his lover. I have since had many conversations with my children about their father’s relationship, his choices, our separation, our pending divorce, etc. All of these conversations are centered around not painting their father as a bad man, yet one who chose behaviors that hurt others. And how are we all going to come to a better understanding of this, yada, yada, yada. Meanwhile, father has completely estranged himself from me and our oldest and has limited visitation with the youngest children. I finally had to give up my dream to co-parent, after a year of one-sided and very painful attempts to keep him involved in his children’s lives and try to be a ‘friend’ to him.
I tell you — it’s taken every ounce of decency and constraint and a bloody tongue from biting it, to not try to alienate my children from their father. Prayers to those mothers and fathers struggling with this. And prayers to the children.
Hi, I am trying to decide if the time has finally come to explain to my 16 & 18 year old sons why I do not like their father or step mother, & why it is so hard for me to trust them. We divorced over 14 years ago & my husband married the woman he had been having an affair with for 5 years. I have struggled with co-parenting since then, but there is so much stress around different parenting styles & finances. I ask myslef why I want to do this now. I don’t think it is about getting back at my ex, or making my children dislike him. I would explain that what they did was wrong, & hurt me, but that does not mean they are bad people or bad parents. I guess I just need to relieve myself of the pressure of not being able to be honest about things. My 23 year old daughter knows the truth, & I have thought about asking her opinion but I don’t want to put the stress of making the decision onto her. If I ask myself why I haven’t told them yet, there are probably 2 main reasons: I don’t want to destroy their relationship with their dad; but mostly I am afraid of the anger etc that my ex & his wife will erupt with, as I know my sons will tell them. I have no doubt their father will lie about it, & they will abuse me for bringing the boys into adult affairs (pardon the pun). Then my sons will have to choose who to believe which I am not sure will be good for them. So I guess it is about me. But I am SO TIRED of all this. I am ready to tell them to live with their father full-time so I don’t have to deal with him anymore.
my ex-partner abandonned me and 4 children, 2 of which were his. i later found out from his mistress’s husband they had been together for several months. when i went to family court, ex-partner and mistress went to children’s services and made false accusations that took all my children and put the in foster care. i later found out the children’s services workers. lawyers and directors broke the law to take my children and put them elsewhere. when my ex got low on money, he committed fraud by getting welfare while the mistress made $50,000/yr. that is fraud. false accusations are a criminal offense and my own government took the children i was doing everything to protect away. all the kids suffered through horrible circumstances in foster care and now because the judge has refused my file about his abuse against all of us, the judge has placed 2 kids with him to abuse some more. damn straight i will tell my children what these idiots did. mdo you think i want to live very long watching this and hurting while i watch the children hurt? the kids think i did this. little do they know how their dad and mistress manipulated the system just to get money. they really do not want the kids, the pay for constant daycare while they have brand new harley davidsons and travel all through the states. they dont want my kids, they just wanted the income to not work and travel. all those people involved have no intentions of doing what is in the best interests of the child. not dying until the kids know the truth about these losers. i think they know but just do not understand, why not tell the truth. the kids are encouraged to lie!
My dad had an affair with one woman, and I was only 8, but I knew about it. I knew, because I was always with my mother, and my dad was terrible at hiding it. The phone bills for his “love nest” would come to OUR house, for instance.
And, you know what? I’m glad I knew, because I had a RIGHT to know why my parents were fighting, and why I was stuck in the middle. Plus, his mistress had a daughter the same age as me, and a son the same age as my brother. It felt like he wasn’t just “replacing” mom with another woman, but he was “replacing” his kids, too. It took me a long time to be able to forgive him for that, even though my parents decided to work things out. But, our relationship is better for it, because I don’t have some false image of him.
And now that my husband has left me, my dad is furious with him, because he knows an adulterer when he sees one (considering he was one himself). I know the behaviors too, and my husband exhibits all of them.
If I had real confirmation/proof that it’s an affair, then yes, I’d tell our child when she’s a little older, and can understand what cheating is. I want her to have a realistic idea of him, rather than believe in a lie that he can’t possibly live up to.
Hi Cathy,
I found out a couple of weeks ago that my wife has been cheating with a close mutual friend. We’ve been married for nearly 24 years and this was a complete shock to me! She has not acted happy for a few years. I tried to pour on a little more romance but that just seemed to bother her, so I thought maybe I was giving her more attention when she wanted more space. I find myself blaming myself for this, we have gone through a rough few years with money and my career being a little unstable. However, I wish she would have come to be rather than a friend for comfort. I really don’t know what to do, I still lover her but she isn’t interested. She says she’s not leaving for him, she just wants out. We have four children, all older (17, 19, 22, 24). I just don’t know if we should tell them about the affair or just that she doesn’t love me anymore and wants to leave. I think she is even under the impression that since they’re older they won’t be as affected by this news, I can’t believe that myself. I don’t think you ever expect your parents to separate, especially since we are not that couple that argues all the time etc. I just feel so betrayed by her of course but also the friend. I would not think he could have done this to me/us. Plus he just went through a divorce a few years ago with my wife’s best friend. I don’t know if I should tell his ex or not. They have two kids and that means they just went through a tough marriage with their parents (arguing, drinking etc), then separation, divorce and now he’s a part of breaking us up too. Ugh! I feel like I’m the only one that’s hurting and I’m trying to protect all of the kids. Any advice?
Love this site, just found it tonight.
Thanks,
Mike
Sadly, my 6kids year old son was standing there when text from the whore arrived. My bigger regret is how I behaved afterwards. I snapped and went on the attack. Punching him with all I had, glasses went flying. I then wrote with my keys cheating husband all over the truck he drove (& screwed) her in. A week later my son’s teacher called asking if everything was OK …my son stood up during a school assembly that was focusing on honesty told the entire gym that his Dad was bad and was in bed with the bad lady from Tim Hortons…so my Mom punched him in the face (showing them with actions) knocked his glasses clear off his face. You should not lie or your Mom gets real mad! No matter what hubby had done for 4 years, giving STD to me….all my son remembers is me hitting his Dad. Made me even sadder if that was possible.