Growing Up and Growing Apart Part II
June 23, 2009 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under Coping, Domestic Abuse
Hе ԁіԁ nοt set out tο bе abusive. Hе felt thаt punching a wall wаѕ аn acceptable way οf getting rid οf hіѕ аnɡеr. Hе аnԁ I both believed thаt wе wеrе lucky thаt hе hаԁ such ɡοοԁ self control whеn wе’d look аt thе hole іn thе door. It wаѕ ѕο out-οf-character fοr hіm tο feel ѕο much rаɡе.
Those things happened even before wе ѕtаrtеԁ ουr family, bυt οn such a rare occurrence thаt іt didn’t appear tο bе аn abusive trait, never hіm аnԁ nοt tο mе… I Ɩονеԁ hіm аnԁ I accommodated hіm ѕο thаt hе mіɡht nοt feel thаt rаɡе again.
Bυt bу accommodating hіm, іn hindsight I wаѕ enabling hіm. Whеn I сουƖԁ feel hіѕ fires lighting up, I’d tone thеm down bу cooking hіѕ favourite foods οr mаkіnɡ sure thе house wаѕ extra сƖеаn. I’d tiptoe instead οf dance ~ јυѕt tο keep hіѕ home life саƖm.
Eventually thаt wаѕ hοw wе lived. Whеn visitors wουƖԁ drop іn I’d apologise fοr thе mess οf crayons οn thе table οr a basket οf unfolded clothes freshly іn frοm thе clothesline. Hе’d look around іn disgust, giving mе thе evil eye thаt I knew wουƖԁ result іn hіѕ icy silence fοr thе rest οf thе week. Aѕ thе years rolled οn those silences wеrе occasionally predated bу smashing hіѕ guitar through ουr dining room table οr damaging more doors. Wе lived wіth ουr breaths held. I hаԁ set thе precedence аnԁ thаt wаѕ hοw іt wаѕ.
I аm nοt taking аƖƖ οf thе blame here bυt I аm taking οn раrt οf іt. Initially hе wаѕ never a bаԁ man. Hе never ѕtаrtеԁ out tο bе abusive. Anԁ hаԁ I known thеn whаt I know now, I’d hаνе turned hіm around аnԁ tοƖԁ hіm tο come back whеn hе felt nicer, јυѕt аѕ I ԁіԁ wіth ουr children. Bυt I didn’t ԁο іt thаt way. Anԁ іn mу tender ministrations, I gave hіm permission tο behave Ɩіkе a spoiled child. In mу attempts tο appease thе situation, I set thе stage fοr hіѕ resentment tο οwn ουr relationship.
I pray thаt I hаνе done better wіth mу sons, thаt thеу wіƖƖ respect women аnԁ bе аbƖе tο handle thеіr moods, tο talk аbουt problems аnԁ tο grow. I pray thаt mу daughter hаѕ thе wisdom tο see whеrе thе roads divide аnԁ takes thе higher ground, thе one whеrе wе demand thе respect thаt wе deserve. Now thаt I аm older аnԁ supposedly wiser, I nο longer accept thаt thе demise οf υѕ wаѕ аƖƖ HIS doing. I hаԁ mу hand іn thаt tοο…
~Maya~
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Holes in walls and broken windows…those were the days. I remember them well and I agree, I am also partially responsible for what happened. I’ve had others say “Hell no, you are not responsible!” but they’re wrong…while I am not responsible for his actions, I am responsible for my reactions…
I grew up with holes in the wall and broken windows. And, ladies, I take no repsonsibility!
I remember once, as a child going to my mother and aksing her to “do something.” She responded by telling me that he was the one with the problem not her.
As an adult I’ve wondered if I would have had to dealt with some of the issues I’ve had if my mother hand taken some of the responsibility. I think it would have made a HUGE differs in the lives of her children.
Lile CJ said, she was not responsible for his actions but was responsible for her reaction. And her reaction only caused more chaos and did more damage.
Cathy,
I will say that the punching things never happened when the kids were around. He reserved that behavior for when it was just him and I in the house. Whether it was because he actually didn’t want them affected or whether he knew that I’d be a doormat when it was “just me” but that I’d kick his ass out if he behaved that way in front of the kids, I don’t know. I made sure the holes were patched, covered or otherwise hidden from view by the time they got home. They never saw that side of him. To this day, Daddy is a good guy to them and I hope that they never have to learn otherwise. It would break their hearts. Some may say it would be better or easier on me if they did know, but I soooo want them to have as normal a childhood as I can give them for as long as I can give it.
P. S. You are right that it was absolutely NOT any responsibility of yours. If my ex had ever/does ever show that side of himself to the kids, his ass will be grass!
This was my life as well and I realize how much I enabled the behavior by making excuses and covering up for his behavior. Keeing the kids quiet and away from him when daddy was “tired” (meaing drunk) and walking on eggshells trying not to say the wrong thing that would push a button and send him into a tirade. My life changed when the hands were used on my in an aggressive way and my kids were a witness to it. Called a lawyer a couple of days later (it was two days before Christmas and knew I wouldn’t get anyone). Haven’t looked back. Embarassed that I stayed so long in what was obviously a bad relationship. Realize how how much happier my life is without that daily stress.
The truth is wherever there is an abuser there is an enabler. That doesn’t mean fault or responsibility for anothers bad behaviors. I also walked on eggshells sure I could somehow control the situation by never enflaming him. It was exhausting. and it makes us victims. I left and never shed another tear. all my enegry is now focussed on myself not anothers behavior nor trying to read the mind of an abusive man to try to protect myself. I thought doing those things was proff I loved him. Instead I prove selflove by taking care of myself
At some point we have to decide if our behavior is protecting our children or protecting an abuser. Our children grow up and make their own decissions. I never ever said a bad word about my ex husband nor would I allow my family to in front of my son….until he was old enough to have reasonable non blaming honest conversations with. Then we discussed “situations” He has a relationship with his father that he established on his own terms. Knowledge and understanding is where true safety and self preservation and honesty lives.
hi there,
i could really do with some help, my childrema are 2 and 3 monthe and 6 months old. i am really fearful reading about how teh word enabler is used, my husband shousts and screams aat me every day in fronth of hte children he calls me names too awfull to write ans in front of the children. it is brakingf me sdown so badly i feel that i can not think when i say i am finding ot realy hard with two childrenm he shouts more saying ther is no way he will gove me anymore children and that i wanted them and that it is just me that i am so bad i can not cope. i feel that i could cope if i had morew help from him , my family all live ina differrnt country and his family live nearby but never do anything to help. they have seen him shout at me and not interviewned, iam bringing the children for pyscotherapy as i am so concerned for he effectr this is having on htem and myself and husband are waiting for couples counselling. i feel that i have to tey and make it work and not give up on my marraige so fast . i feel so unhappy mainly when he upsets me. which is every day. when he is with the children he is great and i would never want to seperate them from thier dad. but he will call me a cxxxx and then turn around and be great with them. i said to hium the other day that it was m not ok to do that and that would mess his sons head uo to hear somone talk to his mum like that ., but he became a rel bullly and wearned me to stop. what do i do hewre should i give i up and get a divorce , i mean at the age my children are has anyone else every gone alone with the children this age, please i would be glas of any advice
Lauralico get out, out out. And get your children out. This is terrible what you have to put up with and you do not deserve this kind of treatment – no one does. And in front of the chilldren, please, these are innocent little people, and they will become damaged and have a distorted view on what a ‘normal’ relationship is.
I grew up as a child of abuse, and now as an adult have ‘chosen’ a partner that puts me down, critisizes and belittles me. We have 2 children also, and the guilt I feel about breaking up a family is huge, but I feel I have to end this behaviour. I too have tried, and things do get better for periods, though my partner does not yell at me every day like yours does. He can be a ‘good man’ but all that is overshadowed when he is nasty. My son is noticing what is going on, and it is affecting his behaviour, so I cannot do to him what was allowed to happen to me. I do not yet know what I will do, or how things will work, I just know that it can’t go on like this, and he will not change, despite me hoping and thinking it might especially if I kept trying. But is he trying?? Is he stopping or changing his behaviour??
I am glad to hear that your husband is good to the children, that relationship can continue – your children can still have their dad, but you do not have to.
Be good to yourself
Hi all,
I’ve just found this website, as it appears that I will be divorced soon. I’ve been with my husband abaout 20 years, but I’ve hardly seen him because he has always worked away. I’ve brought up the kids alone, although he’s been a very good financial provider. He is very generous and can be a really lovely man, however, he has this thing about wanting me to sleep with other men. He has put me on sex-websites and organised meetings for me. He loves it, and it really excites him. I went along with it for a while, but have lost interest now, as I’ve grown out of the whole thing. Our marriage and communication has broken down now. We tried recently, but it didn’t work. Was he abusing me? Is this normal in a marriage? Is it just a case of men having their ‘kinky’ needs? Or is it a completly inappropriate way to treat your wife? All views would be appreciated please x
Hi Andrea, welcome to Divorced Women Online. Wish you didn’t have to be here!
I think it is going to be hard to say whether you were abused or not. One would have to have been a fly on the wall in your home to know exactly what went on.
If you willingly took part in these activities with other men you were not abused. You say you no longer have any interest and that leads me to believe you were a willing participant, which is not abuse.
If he manipulated you emotionally, caused you to fear losing him and your security if you didn’t sleep with other men then that would be abuse. Only you know the answer to that question and you need to be honest with yourself.
If you enjoyed the activity and were into it for a period of time you were not abused.
Is it normal in a marriage for a man to want to see his wife sleep with other men? In some marriages it is normal, in some it isn’t. It is hard to define “normal” because what you are talking about is based on individual desires. We all have needs, some kinkier than others. If you get lucky you marry someone who has the same needs or is willing to help you meet your needs.
What both spouses agree on in a marriage is “normal” for that marriage.
If a wife doesn’t want to sleep with other men and makes that known to her husband it is inappropriate to expect her to have sex with other men. The wife who does not want to sleep with other men has options…can pack her bags and leave or she can try and pacify her husband by sleeping with other men.
The question is, can a wife cry abuse if she take part in an activity she was uncomfortable with just to pacify her husband? Where does the burden of responsibility lie, with her husband for wanting something inappropriate or her for doing something she felt was inappropriate?
hi, im 23 years old i being married for 2 years. At the beggining everything was fine. However by the time i got pregnant he started being agrresive, not with me but with the things around the house, like punching walls kicking doors, yelling at me, etc. after giving birth i left him for 3 months and then we decided to get back together. we went to theraphy, however at the end he stoped going and ii was the only one going. Now evrything its starting again, his attitude, his “loud voice” , his punching. He actually broke a door like 2 weeks ago when we have a discussion of me needing to spend a little more time with him!(he works saturday to Tuesday and im in school monday to Thrusday), because he is being bringing his friends home or going out with them in the only little time we have together to share!!!! this situation its really driving me crazy. i found my self crying a lot of times, sometimes i even think of hurting my self, not to kill myself but to let the blood get out of my body and relax me. i know it sounds crazy, im problably crazy by know…. all i know its that i need some help, i dont know what to do. To be honest this is the first time i had being completly honest about the situation since its a webside, because my husband doesnt like me to talk about our relationship with anybody….
Marie joe,
All this anger from your spouce, Do you have any ideas why he’s so angry ?
Sounds like he’s behaving like he’s trapped, like a wild animal in a cage.
What is he missing from his life to become so angry. He has some personal issues to address, we all do, where human. But he needs to address them with you at his side, with you as his allie not his adversary.
He has no right to inflict pain or agony in your life, no one does.If you can find a way for him to address “His Issues”, the problem is you can’t control him, he has to make the choice for himself.
This sounds alarming to me from what you write because it sounds like a pattern and not an sudden outburst.
Please don’t become a victom of an abuser, physical or emotional.
Ask him to not behave in away that hurts you. period.
If the cycle continues even once please consult and abuse shelter. Talk to one of their councelors. They may have knowledge of the patterns and behavior to be aware of.
In reading this article and everyone’s comments, I am saddened. Saddened at the thought that so many women and children who are at the mercy of their abusers hands. For some of us, it is because of choices we have made to put us in those circumstances…but for some many others, it was through no choice of ours. On the one hand, we do need to accept responsibility for allowing and enabling our spouses to mistreat us and abuse us and/or our children. I grew up in an abusive home and later married an abusive man. I was married to him for 26 years and in all that time, I allowed and enabled him to come and go as he pleased, sleep with whom he pleased, verbally, emotionally and physically abuse me. In the first years of our marriage I thought that this was “normal” and what marriage was all about. I didn’t know any other way. Until one day….I reached my breaking point.
Yes, I take the blame for allowing and enabling such bad behavior from this person. I try not to be so hard on myself and have since learned what I DO NOT want in any future relationship.
The only true regret I have out of this whole fiasco is that my sons 27, 23 and 9 grew up with my ex as their “role model.” I see the damage this has already done especially in my oldest 2.
He is soon to remarry and his fiance thinks he is the most “wonderful” man….that he is a true “blessing.” I just hope for her sake that he is.
Rebel Rose
Rebel Rose
From my perspective you should warn her.
I wish my wifes ex housbands had warned me of her affairs, I wish her sister also warned me that she’s that sort, a cronic adultres.
I realise I have been an enabilair for 16 years.I’m still strugeling every day. It a type of control that happens one day at a time and before you realize it years have gone by while you’ve been living this dream inside your head that things will get better and you’ve put off your own life and desires.
I don’t think these types can change… the abuser, the cheater, this is how they are wired, its who they are and if given the chance they will do it again and again.
The hardest part is breaking free of their control over us. We become conditioned and feel we’re at fault because they don’t love or care for us.
As a male you think I’d just say screw it. But I am a father, so it becomes a point of… stay and be abused emotionally and have a bad life or loose my son and the bond of being with him every day.
Warn her, warn her, warn her. Give her the information to make a choice. Just tell her before “Mr. Hyde” reveals.
Our system allows adultry and emotional abuse. Until those laws change more generations will become victoms as my son has.
Rebel Rose
From my perspective you should warn her.
I wish my wife’s ex husbands had warned me of her affairs, I wish her sister also warned me that she’s that sort, a chronic adulteress.
I realize I have been an enabler for 16 years. I’m still struggling every day. It a type of control that happens one day at a time and before you realize it years have gone by while you’ve been living this dream inside your head that things will get better and you’ve put off your own life and desires.
I don’t think these types can change… the abuser, the cheater, this is how they are wired, its who they are and if given the chance they will do it again and again. My wife has never shown remorse or apologised while watching me melt down and live in a state of shock for the past year and a half.
These types do not accept what they do to others, they blame their victoms.
The hardest part is breaking free of their control over us. We become conditioned and feel we’re at fault because they don’t love or care for us.
As a male you think I’d just say screw it. But I am a father, so it becomes a point of… stay and be abused emotionally and have a bad life or loose my son and the bond of being with him every day.
Warn her, warn her, warn her. Give her the information to make a choice. Just tell her before “Mr. Hyde” reveals.
Our system allows adultery and emotional abuse. Until those laws change more generations will become victims as my son has.
Joe,
I have warned her but I’m torn because half of me wants him to move on with his life and never think of me again. But on the other hand, I feel sorry for her because she just has no idea what she is about to get in to. Sometimes, I think maybe he has changed….maybe he will be good to her and her sons. But, I know for a fact that he has already cheated on her.
He is a master maniulator, charming and a great story teller. What she does not know is that his stories have a lot of the truth missing. Of course he has blamed me for everything and my trying to warn her has just made me come across as a jealous, bitter ex-wife.
Rebel Rose
Hi, You would think that 1 time around would be enough for anyone( my first ex was an abuser and I managed to get out of that marriage) however I have managed to find another. He had such a good heart when around me and treated me with such love that I wasn’t used to, I trusted him. Boy was I fooled, my daughter was 8 & my son was 7 when we got togather – the first time anything happened(it was mostly cussing and screaming) I made excuses for him saying it was because he never had his own kids & didn’t know how to cope with kids, then when he would do it again, I would tell my kids that was the way he was brought up.. now it has escalated to chasing my daughter screaming every name in the book, because of an accident to her brother, that I locked the doors to the house and the neighbor had to calm him down.When we have our “talks” mainly him talking and trying to get everyone to agree to his terms… still shouting and screaming obseninities at her, breaking her bedroom door down, you would think that I would see through that, of course he and I would have shouting matches about how he behaved and him always saying that my daughter caused him to act like that. She hasn’t been home to stay the night in a long time, it breaks my heart but I understand why – I would stay away too if I had any common sense… Tonight he told her he was going to change the locks on the door because she doesn’t live here anymore, which of course set off another yelling match because I told him he didn’t have to act like that to her for no reason. He said he had every reason because if I didn’t have the balls to make her realize what she is doing is wrong than he would… Help me some one… Why can’t I seem to stop this? I hate him for how he acts to my daughter, but when it’s the 2 of us he is so nice to me, should I get a lawyer now?
He is abusing your daughter and you ask if you should get a lawyer?
Mmmm, YES, get a lawyer and get your children out of that abusive home. If you want to stay, stay but get your children out of the home and into a stable environment where they don’t have to suffer the consequences of you living with an abusive man.
was married twice the first time my husband was physically, verbally, sexually abusive, I managed to get hime to leave and 2 years later met my now ex husband. his wife had done a moonlight and left him in debt and I believed that what he told me was true ( no fault of his) we were together for 15 years and married for 9 he was the opposite of my first husband loving and would treat me really well and I loved him to bits, but looking back he was as much and abuser as my first husband I was accused of going with other men, he put me down for my hair, clothes etc only small things at first, we moved away from my home town and i got a good job and over the past 4 years a couple of promotions he told me that I would not be where I am today if it was not for him, he lost his job and would sit in the house all day doing nothing when I came home at night I had to do all domestic chores although had to do them at the weekend when he went to the pub as he did not like the hoover. 2 years ago things were really bad I tried to talk to him and would get no response except when he was drinking and everything was my fault, it got to the stage when i came home from work he was either out our would get up and leave the room. 15 months ago he went away to work and did not return. He had went back to his first wife I am still struggling to come to terms of what has happened and why I let things go on for so long. Now have to sell my home and split proceed not in a good place right now as I am getting older and feel that my whole life has been one of trying to please and get nothing in return.
Ladies,
It really saddens me to think that there are many of us women out there, coming from abused homes only to enter another. I was in an abusive relationship and left prior to having any children. He was a physician and appeared the perfect husband to the outside world. After 6 months I had enough and left with nothing.
I urge each and every one of you who thinks they are in a dangerous situation to get out and get help. You can DO it … even if you are alone. There are support services to help you as well as angels at every turn.
One of the common things that I see is that women who come from abusive situations choose them again. This is due to the lack of counseling and involvement from professionals. If you are in an abusive relationship, please see a counselor. If you do not correct your past, you may end up in the same situation again.
Sending you love and support,
M
There is strength in numbers