My Godson suicided last week. The ultimate rascal, he was always naughty but never mean. He has gone through a maze of issues for the past five years and had tried very hard to heal from his depression.
In the aftermath, I have spoken to many different people. Many have strongly stated that they cannot understand what happens to people, why can’’t they just appreciate what is going on around them, why do they have to allow themselves to fall to that depth? They just don’t get what depression is.
I HAVE been there, along with many others that you would never suspect. For the past week I have had to admit personal knowledge of seeing my world, my fortune, my loves ~ and yet not being able to FEEL. As though I had a thick, transparent cocoon that could not be permeated.
The sky just wasn’t quite so bright, the peripheral sounds of birds and surf and children playing did not come through. No matter what I tried to do, the sleep never came and pinching myself brought no feeling whatsoever.
I went to my doctor for a check-up. She scheduled return visits every week for a month and eventually she diagnosed depression. Even as she said it I noted my vacuum, I felt nothing.
Yet something within my brain exhaled a sigh of relief, a tiny response in that impossibly immobile place that had stopped in time. She cautioned that taking antidepressants generally lasts for a few years but I didn’t care. I just wanted to FEEL again. I began the regime and searched for a counselor to connect with.
The first five professionals left me feeling worse than before I started, I was tired of looking. When I visited Kevin’s office I was greeted by a little round man with a bad wig.
I remember thinking, “He’s the Pillsbury Doughboy, how can he help me?” But Kevin did. He had the gift.
I am writing this to encourage you. If you find yourself locked away from feeling ~ to get help. If you can‘t sleep ~ get help. If you feel nothing at all ~ get help. There is no shame in asking for help.
My best friend works for a pharmacist. When I admitted to her that I was starting on antidepressants, she calmed me. She confided that I was one of many in our small town who were being medicated to help them deal with their lives. That was comforting. I didn’t care who, it just felt a little safer, a little warmer, to know that I was not in this all by myself.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t feel shut out. Don’t listen to people who diss depression. If it happened to this girl, it can happen to anyone.
Those little tablets do not change who you are, they just block negative hormones in your brain, allowing the happy hormones to circulate. It’s simple chemistry. They take a couple of weeks to work but the difference is life changing. You begin to FEEL again. You will not be an addict, you will not become a zombie, you just find your smile.