Growing Up and Growing Apart Part II
June 23, 2009 by Amelia
Filed under Coping, Domestic Abuse
He did not set out to be abusive. He felt that punching a wall was an acceptable way of getting rid of his anger. He and I both believed that we were lucky that he had such good self control when we’d look at the hole in the door. It was so out-of-character for him to feel so much rage.
Those things happened even before we started our family, but on such a rare occurrence that it didn’t appear to be an abusive trait, never him and not to me… I loved him and I accommodated him so that he might not feel that rage again.
But by accommodating him, in hindsight I was enabling him. When I could feel his fires lighting up, I’d tone them down by cooking his favourite foods or making sure the house was extra clean. I’d tiptoe instead of dance ~ just to keep his home life calm.
Eventually that was how we lived. When visitors would drop in I’d apologise for the mess of crayons on the table or a basket of unfolded clothes freshly in from the clothesline. He’d look around in disgust, giving me the evil eye that I knew would result in his icy silence for the rest of the week. As the years rolled on those silences were occasionally predated by smashing his guitar through our dining room table or damaging more doors. We lived with our breaths held. I had set the precedence and that was how it was.
I am not taking all of the blame here but I am taking on part of it. Initially he was never a bad man. He never started out to be abusive. And had I known then what I know now, I’d have turned him around and told him to come back when he felt nicer, just as I did with our children. But I didn’t do it that way. And in my tender ministrations, I gave him permission to behave like a spoiled child. In my attempts to appease the situation, I set the stage for his resentment to own our relationship.
I pray that I have done better with my sons, that they will respect women and be able to handle their moods, to talk about problems and to grow. I pray that my daughter has the wisdom to see where the roads divide and takes the higher ground, the one where we demand the respect that we deserve. Now that I am older and supposedly wiser, I no longer accept that the demise of us was all HIS doing. I had my hand in that too…
~Maya~
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Holes in walls and broken windows…those were the days. I remember them well and I agree, I am also partially responsible for what happened. I’ve had others say “Hell no, you are not responsible!” but they’re wrong…while I am not responsible for his actions, I am responsible for my reactions…
I grew up with holes in the wall and broken windows. And, ladies, I take no repsonsibility!
I remember once, as a child going to my mother and aksing her to “do something.” She responded by telling me that he was the one with the problem not her.
As an adult I’ve wondered if I would have had to dealt with some of the issues I’ve had if my mother hand taken some of the responsibility. I think it would have made a HUGE differs in the lives of her children.
Lile CJ said, she was not responsible for his actions but was responsible for her reaction. And her reaction only caused more chaos and did more damage.
Cathy,
I will say that the punching things never happened when the kids were around. He reserved that behavior for when it was just him and I in the house. Whether it was because he actually didn’t want them affected or whether he knew that I’d be a doormat when it was “just me” but that I’d kick his ass out if he behaved that way in front of the kids, I don’t know. I made sure the holes were patched, covered or otherwise hidden from view by the time they got home. They never saw that side of him. To this day, Daddy is a good guy to them and I hope that they never have to learn otherwise. It would break their hearts. Some may say it would be better or easier on me if they did know, but I soooo want them to have as normal a childhood as I can give them for as long as I can give it.
P. S. You are right that it was absolutely NOT any responsibility of yours. If my ex had ever/does ever show that side of himself to the kids, his ass will be grass!
This was my life as well and I realize how much I enabled the behavior by making excuses and covering up for his behavior. Keeing the kids quiet and away from him when daddy was “tired” (meaing drunk) and walking on eggshells trying not to say the wrong thing that would push a button and send him into a tirade. My life changed when the hands were used on my in an aggressive way and my kids were a witness to it. Called a lawyer a couple of days later (it was two days before Christmas and knew I wouldn’t get anyone). Haven’t looked back. Embarassed that I stayed so long in what was obviously a bad relationship. Realize how how much happier my life is without that daily stress.
The truth is wherever there is an abuser there is an enabler. That doesn’t mean fault or responsibility for anothers bad behaviors. I also walked on eggshells sure I could somehow control the situation by never enflaming him. It was exhausting. and it makes us victims. I left and never shed another tear. all my enegry is now focussed on myself not anothers behavior nor trying to read the mind of an abusive man to try to protect myself. I thought doing those things was proff I loved him. Instead I prove selflove by taking care of myself
At some point we have to decide if our behavior is protecting our children or protecting an abuser. Our children grow up and make their own decissions. I never ever said a bad word about my ex husband nor would I allow my family to in front of my son….until he was old enough to have reasonable non blaming honest conversations with. Then we discussed “situations” He has a relationship with his father that he established on his own terms. Knowledge and understanding is where true safety and self preservation and honesty lives.
hi there,
i could really do with some help, my childrema are 2 and 3 monthe and 6 months old. i am really fearful reading about how teh word enabler is used, my husband shousts and screams aat me every day in fronth of hte children he calls me names too awfull to write ans in front of the children. it is brakingf me sdown so badly i feel that i can not think when i say i am finding ot realy hard with two childrenm he shouts more saying ther is no way he will gove me anymore children and that i wanted them and that it is just me that i am so bad i can not cope. i feel that i could cope if i had morew help from him , my family all live ina differrnt country and his family live nearby but never do anything to help. they have seen him shout at me and not interviewned, iam bringing the children for pyscotherapy as i am so concerned for he effectr this is having on htem and myself and husband are waiting for couples counselling. i feel that i have to tey and make it work and not give up on my marraige so fast . i feel so unhappy mainly when he upsets me. which is every day. when he is with the children he is great and i would never want to seperate them from thier dad. but he will call me a cxxxx and then turn around and be great with them. i said to hium the other day that it was m not ok to do that and that would mess his sons head uo to hear somone talk to his mum like that ., but he became a rel bullly and wearned me to stop. what do i do hewre should i give i up and get a divorce , i mean at the age my children are has anyone else every gone alone with the children this age, please i would be glas of any advice
Lauralico get out, out out. And get your children out. This is terrible what you have to put up with and you do not deserve this kind of treatment – no one does. And in front of the chilldren, please, these are innocent little people, and they will become damaged and have a distorted view on what a ‘normal’ relationship is.
I grew up as a child of abuse, and now as an adult have ‘chosen’ a partner that puts me down, critisizes and belittles me. We have 2 children also, and the guilt I feel about breaking up a family is huge, but I feel I have to end this behaviour. I too have tried, and things do get better for periods, though my partner does not yell at me every day like yours does. He can be a ‘good man’ but all that is overshadowed when he is nasty. My son is noticing what is going on, and it is affecting his behaviour, so I cannot do to him what was allowed to happen to me. I do not yet know what I will do, or how things will work, I just know that it can’t go on like this, and he will not change, despite me hoping and thinking it might especially if I kept trying. But is he trying?? Is he stopping or changing his behaviour??
I am glad to hear that your husband is good to the children, that relationship can continue – your children can still have their dad, but you do not have to.
Be good to yourself