Would You Consider Having Another Child With Your New Partner?
July 14, 2009 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under Blended & Changing Families, Making It Work With a New Partner, NoMore, Relationships
Submitted by Delaine Moore
I gave birth to three kids in three years and I can honestly say their early years were a blur to me; life was INSANE. And since divorcing I’ve sworn I wouldn’t have another child. “This body now belongs to ME,” I’ve joked with my girlfriends.
The other day, however, a girlfriend asked me, “Then why don’t you get fixed if you know you don’t want more? Especially since you’re so fertile. You don’t want any ’accidents.’”
At first, I chalked it down to respecting my body – no more ‘operations,’ thanks very much. Between pregnancy and birth, I think it’s been through enough.
But then I seriously asked myself: Would I ever consider having another child? If I fell in love with a man and it was THAT important to him, might I WANT to carry his child?
Up to this point post-divorce, I’ve focused on the many reasons why I wouldn’t want another child. For example:
- I want to focus on my career
- I need to focus on the three kids I have
- I don’t want to go back to the sleepless nights and whining and crying
- I want to own my own body
But as I mentioned in my previous article, my mindset has started to shift somewhat – I’m opening to the idea of another serious relationship. And with that, come long-lost feelings of sharing and depth and family…all those things that once meant so much to me when I was married.
But am I selfless enough to make the many sacrifices that come with creating and caring for another child? Or would I stick to Plan A and make the next decade all about me and the kids I already have?
….
I really don’t know…
Delaine
Well, this one’s an easy one for me because I got “fixed” during my last c-section. However, the two kiddos I have are 7 years apart in age and I can honestly say it’s HARD, not just on the adults but also on the older kids. If I were still “able”, it would’ve taken someone EXTREMELY special because it really does change the family dynamics.
It’s definitely a huge deciding factor and one that should be discussed from the start. Take it from someone who was divorced, 42 and thought she couldn’t get pregnant – accidents happen. You don’t want to be in that position.
As I get older more kids just doesn’t seem to be for me. I always joke, several years down the road, I would be at a soccer game. Friends would tell my child how great it is to have his/her grandfather come to all their games. Oh, that is not my grandfather, that is my dad! lol
I’ve been repartnered for almost 2 years. My SO does not have children. I have two girls. My ex husband and his new wife just had a baby. My children are not doing well. My youngest said during his wife’s entire pregnancy, “I DO NOT want that baby to come.” They are having a very hard time adjusting, they cry a lot, and they don’t want to go to their dad’s as much. Whenever the baby cries, my 8 year old gets upset (because a baby’s cry is supposed to upset you – so you’ll meet the baby’s needs). My daughter’s step mother yells at my daughter and punishes her when she gets upset by the crying.
Just last night, my 8 year old called me. She had been at her father’s for an hour and a half, and she was already upset. I had told her and her sister to call me anytime they got upset and needed to talk to me. I guess the baby was crying non stop, and no one was doing anything about it. I gave her some coping mechanisms, and offered her some choices. I let her talk to me for 30 minutes, talked her down from crying, but then I had to hang up. She called me because no one will listen to how SHE feels about this new baby.
My children were not given a choice. And since we need to put our children’s needs FIRST, they should have been asked. I did ask my children what they would think if my SO and I had a baby. They both said, “We don’t want you to have a baby. Why does our family have to change?” It doesn’t. I think if your kids are okay with having a baby, then fine. But it’s selfish to have more children because one partner doesn’t have his/her “own” child.