Recently my friend Sheila had the opportunity to go home with a lovely young man from a bar. We’d all been out for a rare night of drinking and dancing and as the evening wore on, her engine got all revved up: “Just look at all those beautiful shoulders!” she exclaimed. “HELL-O!” So how pleased was she when a 30-year-old, soon-to-be cop bought her a drink and zoomed in for the kill.
Now my friend has nothing against the concept of sex without love – especially since her heart isn’t up for grabs at this point post-divorce. She knows she has NEEDS, sexual needs, that are strong, healthy and in need of no apology.
Nonetheless, she rejected this young man. She came close…but she couldn’t quite thrust herself across the line. In the aftermath, she wondered, “What stopped me? What qualifying rules have I in place, maybe even subconsciously, that deliver my final yes or no answers?”
Here’s what she came up with – with the help of her girlfriends, of course. And please add any thoughts or rules of your own to the comments below.
The first thing that can influence a woman’s decision is time. How much of it, or little of it, has she and he spent together during the evening? Even if she only wants him for one night, she needs time to access him, solidify a decision, and feel good about it.
In Sheila’s case, he didn’t approach her till 15 minutes before closing. And even though he seemed smart, well-spoken and very attractive, the clock was ticking loudly; it seemed too much like a booty call – the ‘2 o-clock shuffle.’ She likes her one-night stands to have a dash of magic: she wants fun, intensity, connection, maybe even all three. NOT just any “body.”
Secondly, a woman looks for signs he’ll be a skillful, generous lover. Oh, we all know you can’t tell a book by its cover, but us women are usually pretty attune to languaging and energetic chemistry. Sheila looks for actual phrases like, “I want to touch you, lick you, all over,” or anything that shows sex isn’t just about him. Her will-be-cop didn’t say the right things, even though she offered him the bait. And ’something’ seemed off (arrogant?) in his demeanor. She couldn’t take the risk.
One of my girlfriends said that if a man talks a lot about his enjoyment of oral sex, without any mention of reciprocation, it’s a flashing red sign that he’s a selfish lover. My friend Sheila has zero tolerance for men who have weird hangups about oral sex. And in a one-nighter scenario, she wants a smorgasbord – many helpings of whatever she wants – not just a one-course meal that may or may not be large enough to satisfy her.
Thirdly, a woman will be assessing the ‘morning after.’ How will she get home? Is it worth her time and energy? And what kinds of concessions is he making? In lSheila’s case, he lived WAY too far away and getting home would have been a pain. Had he been older and more mature, perhaps he’d have known to say, “I’ll drive you home in the morning,” or “Let’s go get a hotel room close by and I’ll spring.” This would have shown ‘extra effort’ on his part and ultimately, made him him more appealing. It gets back to Sheila needing the night to have a ’dash of magic’ – she wants to feel like he just HAS to have her, whatever the cost, because their chemistry is so intense; they both want the night to go on and on…
Anything to add? Or is this something you’ve never even thought about?