Does Your Ex-Husband Have A Problem With You Online Dating?
July 23, 2009 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under The Ex
Submitted by Delaine
I started online dating about six months into my separation. And when my ex-husband found out, it was an ‘awkward’ moment.
He was in my office and asked me which site I was on (he started listing them all off, to my total surprise). He then told me to pull up my profile, (which I did, cause I was so taken aback by the whole situation) and he stood there laughing and evaluating my written profile and photos.
Yeah – awkward.
Fast forward two years. During this time, I’ve registered and unregistered from various e-dating sites. I’ve been in ‘exploration’ mode, reacclimatizing to the dating trenches and trying to find my Self and footing as a single mom. My ex, on the other hand, found a new woman to love and moved in with her. Good for him, I’ve thought to myself, inwardly wishing him well. I also assumed MY social life was/is of no interest to him.
But it turns out that not only he has fully tracked every site I’ve been on, he’s intent on pushing it in my face as if it’s something I should be ashamed of. As recently as this past weekend, he addressed me in a text message, not as Delaine, but by my dating site username.
WTF? We’re now two years into our divorce, and he stills feels a need to track me?
Am I not getting something here? Is he trying to insinuate that I’m a bad mom or a whore or something because I’m on a dating site? Or is this not totally whacked? I mean, I know curiosity might drive an ex to check out their former spouse’s profile. But it’s like he wants to make certain I know ‘he knows.’
Delaine
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You’re right, it is “whacked.” It’s a sign of just how selfish he is. It is his way of continuing to manipulate and control you’re behavior, thoughts, etc. (or try to anyway.) A song I’ve got on my playlist is “Almost Lover” by A Fine Frenzy. One of the lines that strikes me everytime I hear it is “I never want to see you unhappy. I thought you’d want the same for me.” Herein (I think) lies a major difference between the mature and the immature. Whether they “want” us or not, they can’t stand to let go and let us be happy. When my ex does this it just proves to me that he has most certainly NOT changed. It’s still all about him…
He is a child Delaine. Someone who hasn’t managed to let go of you and his need to control you.
I imagine that it irks the hell out of him that you are dating, building a career and getting on with your life.
He may be like my ex who believes that I injured him in some way and due to that I am to suffer. Not enjoy and move on with my life but suffer.
The more they see us moving on the worse it feels to them and the angrier they become.
I hope that you don’t take his attempt to shame you to heart. When he plays his childish games laugh it off and keep moving forward.
He is the one who should feel shame over his actions, not you.
Wow. That’s insane. That kind of behaviour is completely childish. If it were me, I’m make a whole other online profile, one that he didn’t know about. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If anyone should be embarassed, it definitely should be him.
So long as your not a podium girl LOL!
He has not let go in ANY way…It shows up every time he makes a comment. Any time you talk to him from now on just sign off using a different username! I feel bad for his girlfriend,because it is clear much of his time is spent on “you”. I wonder how she really feels witnessing his treatment of you and the kids. I know when I started dating it was important to me on how a man spoke and acted towards his ex and what he was doing to help his kids through such difficult times. That is a man’s true colors-All of seen of your ex is black…I hope he comes around for everybody especially the kids!
This is crazy, obsessive, stalkerish behaviour, and at its core, it’s controlling. He’s trying to manipulate your emotions and behaviour by putting you off balance.
He obviously hasn’t let go of you. Sounds like he needs some professional help.
I have shared all of your thoughts at one point or another as I’ve pondered this…
But I just find such blatant immaturity shocking. But I guess it is so. Don’t know why I still find it hard to call a spade a spade.
I find it hard to “call a spade a spade” because deep down I always want to think the best about a person. I have a desire (need?) to figure out the whys so that I can “understand” them and perhaps “help” them, even if its just changing the way I deal with certain people. I am a fixer and it drives me crazy to not be able to fix (help) someone. I keep thinking if I dig deep enough I’ll find some way to justify their behavior so that it will seem more acceptable…
This post scares me because I am newly divorced. Everyone says my ex will settle down soon and stop stalking me, but he is getting worse even though he has a girlfriend. Situations like yours make me realize that it may never be over.
I DO know that this behavior is unacceptable: you shouldn’t respond to it at all. I do not allow my ex to come near me, and he certainly would not be in my office or in my home. The first thing you should do is get him away from you. Don’t share any information with him! You can get a restraining order for harassment if you need it. Something like this is not “childish” or “difficult”–it is abuse.
Delaine Just throw your head back and give a loud laugh. Go Ahead. Do it! He may have ‘found’ a new woman, but he is still not over you. I hate to say it, but us guys can be such 5 year olds. If he was truly happy, he would have no interest in your love life.
Divorced couples can be such a joy, don’t you think? Have fun. You can’t change him.
I honestly don’t know if I should laugh at his behavior or have the heebie jeebies. Somtimes it’s a little of both…