Friends in Need, Supporting Those We Love
July 29, 2009 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under Coping, Girlfriends, Support
Submitted by: Maya
I have a friend who is really down in the dumps. It seems to be pretty prevalent these days.
She’s strong, she’s independent, she’s wise and she feels beaten. Her life has so many dark corners in it right now and she finds some comfort in staying in those dark places where the shadows match her moods.
I can give all sorts of advice about how I have crawled out of dark places but I can’t force her to take the advice. I can beg her to go to her doctor, get a check-up, get her blood work done, talk, tell her doctor how she’s feeling. I can describe the feeling of a new haircut but when the chair swivels around, the face is still the same, lined in grief. Still the sensation of someone else touching my hair, the lovely snip of scissors, the fresh feeling when I reach up to feel healthy ends.
I suggest massages, opening up to hands on her body to knead out the knots from too-tight shoulders or an aching back. I have heard tales of masseusses who have had their clients crying from deep inside, the kneading of their torn hearts moving through the aching bones and muscles. It’s part of healing to lose those tears when they come freely.
Or even something as trivial as going out to the mailbox to get your mail. Instead of slippers and sweatpants, forcing yourself into nice jeans, a top that accents your eyes, a little mascara and brushing your teeth. Taking that step past your mailbox and taking a deep breath. Moving on.
I bought myself an ipod and loaded songs from every single chapter of my life on to it. I found a walking track very close to my home and started to walk. I’d have to shove myself out of the door every day at the beginning but I had a job to do ~ for myself ~ and no one was going to do it for me.
Watching cooking shows and being inspired with fresh foods, colours and crispness. Focus on things other than what surrounds you, instead open yourself up to what is right about your life because there is so much.
Try a gratitude journal. Every day write ten things that make you feel grateful. Some days it’s enough just to think, “I woke up” and “I’m breathing” and “I have eyes so I can see.” But if you begin to take notice of things to appreciate, more things come into view.
Read good books. Read funny books. Read Janet Evanovich. Laugh our loud. Dance behind closed doors, smile at the face in the mirror. Find your good side.
You can wallow or you can move. You can shrink or you can grow. The bottom line is that it is up to you, how you choose to look at your life. Be kind to yourself, look for bliss. In the smallest of places you will find a forget-me-not. Look for it. Don’t give up, don’t hide away. It’s all up to you…
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What do You Say to a Grieving Friend?
Turning an Unwanted Divorce Into an Opportunity
I like what you say.
I need help. I have been single for three years now. I have been living under the wing of my children and grandchildren. Recently, they have let it be known that I need to move on with my life. Let them live theirs. I am in agreement with them, and have made moves to do so. I miss them dearly and am utterly lonely. The thing is, I am very outgoing, love being around people, love my job, my new home, and enjoy the company of the acquaintanceships I have met. The people I meet though, are all co-workers. They have lives and deep friendships of their own. They are not interested in including others into their circle.
I do not frequent bars, and dislike eating in restaurants alone. I go to community activities such as art shows, dance classes, gyms and such. I speak to people within these activities, join in with general conversations and such, but I am never invited to any of their gatherings, and when I suggest maybe a get together, sometime (ie, lunch, a shared interest event) I am usually greeted with a smile and a “that sounds nice”), but never a follow-up.
I am a neat, clean, giving, educated person. I don’t understand what it is I do, say, or not do, that turns people away from me? I haven’t had a close friendship with a woman since my best friend died many years ago. During my marraige I had aquaintences with my husbands friends wives. Never a real friendship connection. I miss having a woman to talk to as a friend.
Can someone please tell me why is it so difficult to develop a friendship with others?
Hi Marcy,
We live in a world of very busy people. Everyone is on the go and involved with their own lives. I think though that if you asked around you would find others who are in your situation.
You say you invite people to lunch but there is no follow through. Do you follow through? Do you express an interest in going to lunch or a movie instead of saying, “let’s go to lunch on Saturday?”
Maybe your approach is too general. You are putting out feelers but not planning specific events and dates. Have you considered having a gathering of your own in your home? Send out invitations with a date and time. I’m betting you would find out that others are interested in taking part in an activity you have planned.
Maintaining close friendships is hard in this day and age. We have the internet where folks can keep up with each other without having to do face time together. Life is hectic and few are taking the time to relax and even enjoy a good movie.
I don’t think it is anything you are doing. It is more a case of how we have changed as a society and the fact that it takes a little more effort these days.
Know what I mean?
Marcy, I think many women go through what you’re experiencing. It can be super tough to go without really intimate bonds with friends after having them not just with a mate, but their family.
I didn’t find I felt aloneness such as yours when I got divorced (cause two of my best gfs were going through them too), but I did intensely when I had kids in my early thirties. None of my close friends had kids at that point, and I had no family in town; plus, my husband was away about 80% of the time. I, like you and most other women, need those tight bonds with other people, espeically other women. Just to sit down and have a cup of tea with a friend who knew she could drop by unannounced was something I craved…
I was very pro-active at that time – I focused on what I wanted, the ‘feeling’ of sharing, bonding, laughing with gfs. I told myself to stay positive, that I was going through a big life tranistion, but new friendships WOULD happen.
And then the moment arrived (it required I be a bit gutsy): I was at the local community center at an aerobics class for moms when I stool up and asked if anyone would like to be a part of a mom’s group. I knew NO ONE in that group and hadn’t personally bonded with anyone in particular. But what resulted was a group of 12 women who got together weekly for the next four years…and a few amongst them became my closest friends…
I say all this to remind you that it’s common and easy to think that everyone else is too busy with their own lives/families/husbands for you to find a new place; and it spans all ages, and to all, it’s a scary and yucky feeling. But if you stay positive, focus on the feelings of care and connection you want, and KEEP GETTING OUT THERE, it WILL happen. You may even be surprised by who/when/where the connection happens.
Again, remember, you are not the only person who feels as you do. There are other wonderful and loving people out there looking for the same frienship that you too seek and offer – they may be married, single, divorced, or ten years younger or older than you. You aren’t destined to be on the ‘outside’ forever – you are going through a big transition that requires you investigate, explore a bit, as you find the best place for you. It WILL happen Marcy…cause everyone needs connection; and you deserve it:)
Marcy,
If I may take a liberty or two… By virtue of mentioning grown children and grandchildren, you are – as the French would say – a woman “of a certain age.” Since I qualify as well, might I add to what Cathy has said?
It’s simply that much harder to start over when we’re a bit older. I believe we’re capable of it, but we aren’t wired in as we were in our 30s or even our 40s, and those we are most likely to connect to emotionally are – as Cathy said – dealing with their own hectic lives. And in many instances, I suspect those hectic lives are lonely in certain regards. And wishing for exactly the sort of genuine friendship that you miss. That many of us miss when marriage and children fill up our lives, and when divorce seems to empty out portions of them.
Many of my post-divorce friendships have begun online. There are phenomenal women (and men) who simply aren’t out and about anywhere we might meet each other. Use online communities as the means to reach out, to share, to laugh, to find common interests. Over time, as with more “old school” means of meeting people, you may find deep friendships beginning. Eventually, you will find ways to meet in person.
And I might even suggest that you not discount meeting a few fine men this way. I believe that friendships with men are essential as well. But start easy – and know that it isn’t you. There are many of us out here, happy to make new friends however we can.