Sexual Adventure: Less Than A Bump & A Grind
July 30, 2009 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under Between The Sheets, Dating & Sex, NoMore
Prior to that night, I’d met him three times for dinner. And even though mentally and physically he charged all my 
cylinders, I kept my foot on the brakes; I wasn’t just looking for ‘any’ lover, I wanted an ‘alpha’ lover – a man who was strong, passionate, and very much in control, both inwardly and outwardly. At 37 years old, I knew what I liked, and I wanted to step into my sexuality in deeper, wilder ways.
I tested him intermittently on our previous dates: teased him, challenged him, played with his mind. What’re you made of honey? I wondered. At 39, have you really begun to understand and appreciate the complexities of a woman’s mind and body? Can you handle me, enthrall me, and devour every ounce of my sexual being?
He looked me, many times, directly in the eyes – calm, composed, giving me the statements and answers I wanted, hoped for, yearned for… Yes, I finally decided, eyes down, during dessert. Next time we meet, I will take him as my lover.
Tonight, as he walked through my front door, he could see me in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, wearing black leather boots, a dynamite gartered teddy, and the electric air of a Woman Entitled. I wasn’t going to pretend or apologize.
“Wow,” he said under his breath, tongue flicking, eyes darting. “You look incredible.”
“Thanks.” I leaned back seductively and waited – tick-tock, tick-tock. Finally I clenched his hand and pulled it behind my back.
Down the hall we stumbled and kissed, my hands greedily grabbing, touching, demanding. Why is his hand so limp on my back? I thought. C’mon hun, I willed him through my fingers. Give me what I want.
Fumbling, awkwardness – Oops sorry, he said, then his clothes were off. He lunged on top of me….
After what felt like fifteen seconds, he pancaked me with his full weight, breathing hard. My eyes flew open: What the…?
“That was so hot,” he panted in my ear. “God! You were unbelievable!”
Huh?
He got to his feet and began dressing. “Let’s do this again tomorrow OK? And the next day and the next day and the day after that!” He laughed.
Do what? I glanced from side to side. I’m hardly even warmed-up!
I stood up from the bed and he seized me into a bear hug. “Man!” he clucked over my shoulder. “Soooo hot.” I patted his back, wide-eyed; there…there? I couldn’t even look at him as he made his way out.
Perhaps you, like me, are already coming up with excuses as to his awful performance – maybe he was nervous, inexperienced, intimidated, or tired. But I wonder: if the tables were turned, do you think he’dbe making excuses for me?
For the sake of his next lover, perhaps even womankind, I should have tactfully or not-so-tactfully said something; most bad lovers remain bad lovers because women are too polite to say or ‘teach’ otherwise, right? But at the time, I was too shocked and annoyed to even speak – that was worse than an adolescent romp in the back seat of the car.
How could a man of his age not know this? I fumed. Doesn’t a man, at some point before thirty-five, become experienced enough, aware enough, to know that his ultimate sexual pleasure is derived through satisfying the woman?
No – instead of being masterfully consumed by an alpha lover, I found myself standing in my bedroom, one hand on my hip, the other hand gesturing in exasperation at a candlelit wall. It’s been three months since I’ve had sex, I thought as I unzipped by boots. And as far as I’m concerned, I’m still counting.
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Yet another reason why I’m in no hurry to rejoin the dating pool…
Well they say that anticipation is half of the fun of the journey ~ it seems as though you could have foregone the destination after all…
Maybe the limp hand on your back should have been the sign of things to come. If I felt a letdown after reading the buildup, I can only imagine how you felt! If you still feel some sparks or connection with him, he probably deserves another chance and chalk it up to you looking so hot he lost all sense of time
. If not, might need to use your boots to kick to the door next time!
Too funny Barry – guess I coulda put my boots to good use after all!
If a man is only interested in hitting it, that is what he does, he hits and runs. If I’m out to get off I don’t care if a woman enjoys herself or not and this guy was out to get off. It sounds like you were sending out signals that probably told him you were easy. Few single men are going to turn down the chance to hit something easy that comes their way.
He had nothing invested in you. I bet he is like me and a lot of men, a woman he cares about his going to get his full attention because it will be love making and not just another lay. Men care about pleasing women they care about. You didN’t fit that role so he did what he came to do and probably never looked back.
I have a question. When are you women going to realize that a man treats an easy woman differently than he does a woman he has to pursue and work for?
Point well taken Eric! There are misguided women who believe that engaging in casual sex should provide them the same benefits of engaging in loving making.
I’m of the opinion that if you want casual sex, have casual sex but keep your expectations low. Being the mother of two young men I’m well aware of the fact that not much has changed when it comes to men and their attitudes toward easy women.
I’ve witnessed the differences in how they treat a woman they care about and one they are just “hitting.” The sad thing, these women put themselves out there, send clear signals, even go as far as verbally communicating that they are open to casual sex. Their attitudes change though when they are treated as casual sex.
Bottom line, if a woman wants more than a “bump and a grind” she has to have enough self-respect to behave in a way that will get her more.
Some will think that is an antiquated belief but, like I’ve already said, not much has changed when it comes to what men want in a long-term relationship.
Oh, this was entertaining! For so many reasons. Among other things, “you get what you get” when you don’t know what you’re getting. Just one of the drawbacks of nailing someone you don’t know too well.
But you could have just as easily gotten a good one! It strikes me that it’s a crapshoot, when you don’t have the slow buildup that comes with taking your time.
But hey – different strokes, as the saying goes. And sometimes, it’s different strokes at different times in your life.
Nice boots though!
We need to empower women to say, “you are not getting yours until I get mine”. Selfish male lovers are the norm, not the exception and they are the norm because for a lot of men, relationship with women, even a casual sex relationship is about getting a sense of power by putting woman in a one-down position – and what better way to degrade a woman than to have sex without giving her a damn thing in return. Sexuality is still defined by men in America. We need to do a better job of emphasizing the female orgasm so it is not devalued like it is in our society. And we need to get over our inhibitions about shaming a man who has no empathy for our sexual needs and our sexual dignity. If a man doesnt give me an orgasm first, I show him the door and I have never regretted it – the self-respect I feel afterwords is priceless and I guarantee you the no-holds-bar way I send them out of my apartment will have them think twice before they disrespect a woman like that again.