Friends & Frenemies…Can You Set Boundaries?
July 19, 2009 by Amelia
Filed under Girlfriends, Midlife Divorce, Relationships, Support
Submitted by: Maya
A very special friend of mine, very recently divorced after having too long a wait, is torn about her friends.
That’s the excess that comes from divorce, how badly it hurts everyone else. The families ~ who do they go to for Christmas? Can they invite one parent (children negotiable), leaving the other to their own devices?
The soccer team, dance school, teachers, school… How do we finesse this?
And the friends. Once a large and boisterous group of pranksters, mothers, party-goers, trivia night experts ~ how do we do that great divide?
I did what worked for me, what hurt me badly ~ but because I run from confrontation, I made it easy for all of them ~ I evaporated from the scene. I shut my door and didn’t make any calls. And I stared and stared at my answering machine that read a constant ‘0’ calls received.
I wanted them to reach out to me but I gave the impression that I wanted to be left alone. My loneliness was immeasurable and I could not speak.
My (heart) friends, the ones who have been with me for lifetimes, knocked on my door and embraced me. They taught me how to walk again. And as I re-entered my life I saw the faces of those who never made the effort. The pain came tumbling in on me all over again ~ a far different pain than that of being abandoned by my husband.
With HIS pain I found my feet because I had to, no one else could do it for me. But that searing pain of seeing that face, that woman who had sworn eternal sisterhood with me, who knew my confidences, who walked breezily through my home as if it had been her own ~ and who had never even made an effort to acknowledge me in my aftermath, burned even deeper than the lost love of my childrens’ father.
I spent a lot of time ducking, just in case… Why? Why should that woman’s rejection of me hurt so deeply? Why, when I finally ventured out into the world, should I be ready to run in case SHE were there?
The answer is simpler than I thought. She hurt me because I LET her hurt me. I gave her permission to hurt me. I handed her my devotion like a piece of delicate glass, expecting that she would treat me carefully, honouring me as I honoured her. I offered myself freely and without hesitation she let me fall, shattering into a thousand sharp-edged glittering pieces.
So we have choices. If I choose to become one with someone, I have an awareness that this intimacy allows abuse of my character. I don’t want to be selfish with my love but I will be more careful, less forgiving of those small signs of imbalance. I learned a magic word ~ BOUNDARIES. I now know to shut a door quickly when things start to go awry. I have learned how to keep control of my essence.
Eleanor Roosevelt said, ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.’ I think that says it all. If they hurt you, if you doubt them, release them… like that old adage, ‘If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was…” And the final thought? You are better off without the dramas.
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A theory floating around my head for a while now is that perhaps the reason they bailed on me was fear. Maybe something about my situation hit just a little too close to home for comfort. Perhaps they are running, not from me, but from themselves….
CJ, I agree it can be fear and in some cases it can be that people aren’t able to empathize with others. Understanding and having compassion isn’t a part of their make-up.
I’ve spent the last few months “shutting the door” on some relationships in my life. I want people who, regardless of how afraid they are can step outside their level of comfort and support me when I need it.
I’ve always been able to do that for people I care about and have come to the realization that I deserve the same in return.
I had one friend ask if I were angry with her. I wasn’t but I was angry with myself for continually expecting her to give me something she didn’t have to give.
The bottom line for me is I no longer care what their reasons are for not being able to reach out and support me when I need it. I care about surrounding myself with people who, like me are available to a friend in need.
I honestly believe many times it is not about you or even your friends. Friends just don’t know how to handle the divorce. Who should I be friends with, what do I say to her etc. I lost friends not because they did’t care for me anymore, but I did’t fit into their life structure. To be honest, I did’t feel as comfortable in theirs either. Couples in general I found naturally “pick a side”. Often this falls by gender. As we all discover, it is most important to keep only the people in our lives that infuse positive energy. No time to bother with the others. Early on in my divorce, I had someone go to my brother and ask why I was not as open and a little distant because his wife was very close to my ex. My brothers response which I think is true was , He is just circling his wagons right now. Meaning, that circle of trust narrows.
A great quote which I think also pertains to this situation of not letting others hurt you is:
” When you give the right of approval of your dream to any person or group, you’ve given them the right to control your dream.”
Same applies here.
And, the trick is to learn how to not give that right of approval to anyone.