To Tell Or Not To Tell—About His Affairs
July 16, 2009 by delainem
Filed under Coping, Infidelity, Infidelity, Midlife
Submitted by: Erica
I spoke at a divorce support group last night and heard some interesting stories about adult children of divorce. One woman’s ex told her 19-year-old son that he was about to divorce her before he told her. Actually he asked his son whether he thought it was a good idea. I thought I’d heard everything but this was a new twist. The poor kid suffered a breakdown after the divorce.
Another woman shared with the group that her husband was a serial philanderer but she hadn’t told her 21-year-old son the real reason they split. It seemed he had a variety of mental health problems and she was afraid of his reaction. Her marriage counselor and his therapist agreed.
However, her son was curious about the reason for the divorce, and what his father had done and kept asking her. Her ex just lied to him, she said. I told her I felt her son deserved the truth. She didn’t have to tell him the details, just that his father had affairs, period, but I feel that family secrets are toxic.
I shared with her that my parents split up when I was ten, and got back together six months later. I had no idea why they split and neither of them told me. After my dad died, when I was 35, I asked my very proper mother why they broke up and she at first said, “we had problems.” I asked, “what kind of problems?” She said, “you know, problems.” I said, “mom, I’m thirty-five, you can tell me.” Finally she said, looking very embarrassed, “well he had affairs.”
Strangely, I wasn’t shocked although I had no clue he’d ever had affairs. I never saw my dad flirt with other women or any signs that he’d screwed around. But somehow it made sense, considering who they were and what their relationship was like.
She was the domineering wife, who controlled the marriage and took care of him, me and everything else. He was the dependent and resentful spouse, who acted like a rebellious teenager, just like my ex who also cheated, but just with the woman he left me for. It made sense that my handsome dad would rebel by having affairs. He was too dependent on my mom to actually leave.
I told the woman at the group that I wished I’d known about my father’s affairs. She asked why. I told her it would have helped me understand their relationship, my adolescence which was hell, and my own life. I thought I had a right to know about them, if only to sort out my own problems and issues.
I wonder how other older divorced women have handled this issue? How have you dealt with your adult children when it came to explaining their dad’s cheating, or your own for that matter?
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“She was the domineering wife, who controlled the marriage and took care of him, me and everything else. He was the dependent and resentful spouse, who acted like a rebellious teenager, just like my ex who also cheated, but just with the woman he left me for. It made sense that my handsome dad would rebel by having affairs. He was too dependent on my mom to actually leave.”
Ooooo, that paragraph smarts cause it hits a little too close to home! My kids are way too young (11 & 4) for me to address this issue yet, but I’ve already started to worry about when this time comes – how much is too much vs not enough.
For me, finding out about my ex’s affairs was just the final “proof” that it really was over. My problem now is that he wants to get back together and I don’t. My ex has planted the kids in the middle (as a manipulative tool, I’m sure) and I’m having a hard time deciding how to handle the situation.
I’ll be interested to hear what anyone else has to say. Especially from the kids’ point of view.
This is a hard one. I have two sons, one is 24, the other 18. There are still many, many things they don’t know about my relationship with their Dad or our divorce.
When I was a young adult my parents marriage went through a rough patch. My mother shared everything with me.
Her telling me certain things caused me to feel responsible…as if I were supposed to somehow fix the problems. It had a very long-lasting negative effect on me.
My sister was different though. She would listen to my mother and off she would go. She didn’t internalize their problems and make them her own.
Sharing and how much you share depends on a lot of things. It is a slippery slope and one I learned via experience can turn your children into accidental victims of their parent’s problems.
Affairs and Children
My husband had an affair the pastt two years. We divorced in June. Tomorrow they are meeting his girlfriend. Affairs are so hurtful. The children knew because I have been to family therapy with them. My ex told them a year ago that he made a poor choice. (wouldn’t she like to know that is what she is called) He never ended the affair and we divorced. They are curious about meeting her. I grieve about all of these changes for our family but the truth will set us free.
Oh the journeys in life.
I found out last fall that my father has been having an affair with the same woman for more than 5 years. My mother was in town visiting me when she found out, and I was her only means of support when she was here. I found out who this woman was, where she lived, where she worked, how my father and she met, how the relationship progressed. I got all the dirty details. It was gut wrentchingly horrible. My father was my hero and that feeling in me died that day. I was an accidental victim of my parents problems. I have two sisters who still don’t know about this and my parents have all but commanded me not to tell them. I’ve informed them that I will keep their secret, but, if asked, I will tell them. I am so angry about being the only one that knows that it spills over into everything. My relationship with my mother is irrepairably harmed. My father is doing his best to communicate with me, but it was never really his forte. I applaude his effort though. It’s more than I get from my mother who thinks she can do no wrong because she’s the victim in this scenario (and to a large extent she is), but I’m a victim too and I don’t like it when my feelings aren’t validated nor my sacrifice in not telling my sisters appreciated. I feel like I’ve been forced into some kind of little parent role. I’m nearly 30 years old and still made to feel responsible for the mental well being of my sisters. I love them and wish them no harm, but I would’ve loved the chance to have had someone make the same decision for me.
I just found out that my wife of twenty years is having an affair with an old boyfriend who is visiting from mexico and she wants a divorce.She told me this on a voicemail.I’m working out of town.We have two teens,what should I say to them.Oh yeah,she told me that she has already spoken to them.
I wish I had older children. I would just tell them the truth. I’ve always been a believer that the truth will set you free. However, my children, while not very young, are very far from being adults.
I keep reading that I need to keep their father’s transgressions secret and never let the children know. That doesn’t seem fair to me, but I am trying to take the high road and follow this advice.
I think the children will figure out what really happened as they get older. It’s clear that I cannot see or speak to their father now, or ever. They’ll probably also notice that none of their aunts, uncles, grandparents, or cousins are willing to see or speak to him either. Surely they’ll connect the dots…
Mary, you have no moral obligation to keep your parent’s secret. Your first obligation is to yourself. That means doing what you feel you need to do to relieve some of the pain you are experiencing due to your parents bad behavior.
Your parents seem only concerned with their level of comfort and for some reason believe that their level of comfort should be your only concern.
As parents our first priority is to do no harm to our children. Your parents have failed and their priorities seem a bit skewed at the moment.
You ARE NOT the parent! They are and when they stop acting in your best interest they have no right to expect anything from you.
Don’t keep their secret at the expense of your own piece of mind. Get it off your chest, tell them to grow up and act like adults and then get on with your life.
Sonia, the truth may set you free but would it set your children free?
This isn’t about what is fair to you. It is about keeping your husband’s behavior from harming your children.
You don’t want them to know because it would help lessen their pain. You want them to know because you are angry and you want them angry.
Your children will figure it out as they get older. When they do figure it out they can then take it up with their father.
Another thing they will do is witness your anger and hatred and believe me, that will not cause the respect they have for you to grow.
Refusing to co-parent with your children’s father may give you relief but it does them harm. You and your relatives need to be civil to their father. You don’t need to be friendly but refusing to talk to him and shunning him in front of your children is childish. It may make all of you happy but it will make your children miserable.
In the end, all that matters is the children. I don’t care how much you are hurting, what your husband has done to you or how your family feels about him.
My main concern is the children who are caught in the middle and that should be your only concern.
Sorry if I appear harsh but, if you don’t take care of your children’s emotional health no one will. It is plain to see that your husband has stopped being concerned with them and their needs. Now you have to not only deal with your own pain but make sure they do not suffer any further pain.
I guess my big question would be, how does it help my children or serve their emotional needs for me to pretend that I respect their father or want anything to do with him?
Do I have to live a lie for the next seven years? (Seven years from now is when the youngest turns 18.)
If a person commits a despicable act, how can I not despise them? How can I pretend that this person is OK with me? I am not a very good actor at all. Up to this point, I have never had anyone in my life who behaved immorally.
I no longer trust their father’s judgement. He is acting irrationally in many ways. I don’t want my children to be angry. I just wish I could explain that their father’s behavior is unacceptable to me, and that I do not condone it in any way.
What if my husband had embezzled from an employer or run over a pedestrian and left the scene of the accident? Would I be expected to lie about his transgression for years until the children become adults, and pretend that I was OK with that behavior? Why is marital immorality put into a different category?
No one is telling you to tell your children that their father’s actions are acceptable. If they come to you…and that is the important thing…IF THEY COME TO YOU tell them that YOU do not condone and will not condone what their father has done and that YOU hope they understand that it is not OK to be unfaithful to a wife or husband.
Then drop it.
The mistake people make is when they tell their children “your father is a bad man.” That is an opinion they have to come to on their own and in their own time. And if they never come to that opinion it is their right to feel anyway they wish about their father regardless of how terrible a man you believe him to be.
How does it serve your children’s emotional needs for you to be civil to their father in front of them? Think about it. They have lost their family, their father is living with another woman, their worlds have been turned upside down. Don’t you think they are already suffering enough emotional turmoil without also having to witness their mother’s anger toward their father?
You being civil to him in front of your children serves them because it is one less piece of conflict they have to deal with. It is one less thing they have to worry about.
Sonia, you seem very wrapped up in what your husband has done to you. Have you stopped and thought for one moment what he has done to his children and how they must be feeling?
This isn’t only about you and your pain. It is also about them and their pain and as a mother I am of the belief that my pain means nothing if my children are also in pain. And, as a mother I would kiss his ass if it meant keeping my children from suffering any more emotional pain.
My ex husband is a very angry man. I’m not sure why because he is the one who left and the one who wanted a divorce and he got what he wanted.
For 10 years he has refused to co-parent with me. He refuses to communicate with me. The idiot will look over my head and ignore me in front of his children. He thinks when he does that, that he is getting back at me for whatever it is I did to him.
He isn’t getting back at me though, he is getting to his children. I’ve watched my children suffer tremendously over the last 10 years because their father had his head stuck so far up his butt that he couldn’t see the light of day or what his actions toward me did to his children.
Your comments are full of “I.” You seem to think that what your husband has done is all about you. It isn’t though it is about your children and you doing whatever you have to do to keep it from causing your children more harm.
I can’t stand my ex husband. I think he is a contemtible man. A coward who ran out on his wife and children. In my opinion he lacks moral character and is not someone I would ever call a friend.
When my children are around though I smile. When he looks over my head I smile some more. I ask him how he is doing. I put forth every effort to co-parent with him. I do it because it is what my children need me to do.
The last thing they need is two parents with their heads stuck up their butts. Sounds like your children already have one parent in that position. I hope for their sake you are able to set an example for them by showing them that they are more important to you than any anger you feel at their father.
I’m trying to do the right thing. I co-parent! I pass on any relevant information about soccer games, music lessons, birthday parties, and so on that happen to fall on the four days/month he takes care of them. I just do it by email or text instead of speaking. The other 27-28 days of the month, my STBX falls off the face of the planet as far as his children are concerned. This is nothing new.
I still arrange and/or supervise everything for them regarding homework, parent-teacher conferences, doctor and dental visits, lessons, sports, forms that need signing, etc. The kids and I are still living in the same house doing all the same things. The only difference for the kids is that they spend more time with their father now than ever before, eating candy and going to movies and playing video games.
They actually have rolled with the punches and don’t seem in any pain at all. So when the time comes that I am able to speak to their father–if I must–any smiling I do will be about that.
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My spouse and I have had an empty emotional relationship for years. After 15 years of marriage, I sought comfort with a man who was respectful and understnading of my needs. My spouse found out and after that I was forced to admit my own feelings that i did not love him any more and wanted a separation. All he sees me as is the cheating wife. He is understandably hurt and takes every opportunity to degrade me in front of my kids and our friends. I want a spraration but cannot bear the thought of shared custody with him. My kids are 15, 6 and 4. I cannot fathom how shared custody will work and what emotional damage this will do to them in the long term. Also what should the kids know about the reason for my wanting the separation?
Ah, the consequences of infidelity! Your husband is angry and hurt and, rightfully so. That does not however give him the right to degrade you in front of your children.
The problem between the two of you should be kept between the two of you and you need to inform him of that. You may want to remind him that divorce laws are “no-fault” in all states but one and that your cheating won’t play a role in a divorce between the two of you.
If, however he continues to say degrading things in front of the children he could be accused of parental alienation which the courts frown upon.
Whether you can fathom shared custody with him or not it is going to happen. These are things you should have thought about before seeking comfort from someone other than your husband. The comfort you found is now victimizing your husband and your children. Was it worth their pain?
It might help you if you look at the situation from your husband’s persective. Feeling empathy for a man whose wife cheated may help you understand his anger. Anger which is probably only emotional pain that he does not know how to express.
Your husband isn’t the one who did something wrong. You are and pointing fingers at his behavior since does not erase your own bad behavior. Own what you did and show the people you did it to some empathy.
As for what to tell your children. Tell them you fell out of love with their father. Tell them you love them and always will and will NEVER choose someone else over them and what is best for them.
Then, get them into therapy because if your husband doesn’t learn how to express his anger and pain in a more productive way he is only going to add to the pain your divorce will cause.
Cathy Thank you for your words of wisdom. I was brought up with the belief that marriage is forever. I am in love with someone else and how can that be a crime? it happened because I was vulnerable and empty and stuck in a vaccuous relationship. I was suffocating. Now I feel bad that my children will suffer the partial abscence of one parent if we separate. What choice do i have? Stay with a man who I now find revolting for the sake of my children? I would rather be alone. One way or another, my children will be affected.
Is staying with one’s spouse a mind set? Do all relationships end up the same way? Am I chasing a rainbow? All I know if that for the first time in 15 years I feel loved, respected and adored. I have som one who listens, cares and respects my feelings without judgement.
Tonya, being in love with someone other than your husband is not a crime. It is a shortcoming but not against the law. Being vulnerable, empty and stuck in a bad marriage is no excuse for infidelity.
Divorce is the answer to a bad marriage, not introducing a third party into the relationship between you and your husband.
Have you thought about leaving your children with your husband and pursuing your happiness with this other man? That would mean the least adjustment and upheavel for your children.
Your husband is about to lose the ability to parent his children on a full-time basis because you’ve fallen in love with another man. Your children are about to experience the absence of their father in their lives on a daily basis for the same reason.
I know you are thinking you could never leave your children but, which is worse for them? Turning their world upside down, moving from their home, possibly changing schools, changing their relationship with their father?
If you really want to do what is best for them, go and pursue your happiness with as little disruption to their lives as possible.
That is the way that will have the least negative effect on your children.
As for this man you are in love with. Well, you need to think about a few things. You are in love with a man who saw no harm in having sex with another man’s wife. Your feelings for him are getting in the way of you seeing a HUGE character flaw in him.
You two have no reason at all to trust each other. You are running on lust right now and can’t see the forest for the trees. What does he know about you? He knows you are someone who cheats on her husband. What do you know about him? You know he is someone who sleeps with another man’s wife.
You can bet that when the lust wears off and the rose colored glasses come off there will be trust issues in your relationship with this man.
Staying with a spouse is not a mindset. Whether a marriage works depends on the amount of commitment both spouses have to make the marriage work. If there is no commitment there is no hope of a marriage lasting.
You are chasing a rainbow. I’d be willing to bet you once felt loved, respected and adored by your husband. And he probably once listened, cared and didn’t judge. If not you wouldn’t have married him.
Tonya, if you no longer love your husband you need to leave your husband. You do not need to leave your husband because of another man though.
Pardon my language but, that is taking the chicken shit way out. If you’ve been unahppy so long why haven’t you already left? Why did you wait to make the decision to leave until another man came along?
Were you afraid to leave? Are you afraid to be on your own? Is the only reason you are thinking about leaving now because of this other man? If so, you need to stop and think about what you are doing.
Leave your marriage for yourself…not for someone else. If you don’t you will be facing another divorce within five years. According to statistics second marriages have a 67% rate of failure. Second marriages based on adultery end at a rate of seventy four percent.
If you divorce your husband you need to give yourself at least two years to get to know this other man before marrying him. If you don’t you may find that you have jumped out of the “frying pan and into the fire.”
And please, whatever you do, don’t introduce him to your children for several months. They will have enough to deal with, without also having to see their mom with a man other than their father.
Hi cathy
Let me give you a little insight. I started working with this man several years ago on cases together. It was combined work and we saw the fruits of our labour in the gratification of the work that we accomplished. The relationship did not start out being physical. We got to know each other over several years as friends before anything physical came about. It started as mutual respect and admiration and kindness as friends. The physical came about when the feelings turned to love. So I have had several years to get to know him as a person and worked closely with him as well. I realize that if I have to leave the marriage it has to be for me and not for someone else.
I am willing to go for counselling to determine if I can make my marriage work however, my husband is on a war path and is out to find out the depth of my relationship with this other man and expose me. What do I do?
Tara,
You sound a lot like my wife in so far as the way you think. Of course I’m very upset right now since its only been a week (I’ve known deep down for a month or so though), so I’m trying to be objective and rational about it as I write this.
I found out a week ago (at least found hard evidence) that my wife of 8 years was getting up in the middle of the night, sneaking down to the hotel down the street to be with another woman. Of course she did not offer a bit of truth, but I dug around and exposed all of it on my own which she did admit to when there was no way to deny any of the details. That last part does nothing but set up the background story and doesn’t relate to your story, but the reasons why she said all that happened is very similar to what you’ve said. She says that I emotionally abandoned her for the last year and that she was/is dying inside and sees no way out except to leave me. Of course I wonder how long was I going to play the fool before she became an adult and left me instead of seeking comfort like a thief in the night with someone else, but yes…I’m very hurt and upset about it all. She wants to chase her rainbow too and I’ve tried to reason with her and attempt reconciliation but she doesn’t want it.
The kids issue is the bright spot. We have 4 kids (3 of which she had when I married her) that I love very deeply. The only decent thing she is doing in all this is leaving them with me so I can at least provide some stability and continuity. What I see as similar in both of you is that you are using an emotional needs excuse to justify breaking a vow that you took to the other person. There is no excuse that you can come up with that justifies you having what you want at the expense of the other person and for which action accounts for the absolute destruction of your vows that you took to him. Own up to the action that you have taken, and realize you used someone for a long time to get what you wanted. You could have had what you wanted if you had just left when you were unhappy. He doesn’t owe you your dignity, you took his. Is what he is doing to you justified in so far as telling the kids all the details? No…I am not doing that to my kids, it is not helpful in any way. We will be having a talk with the kids on Monday about my failings that lead up to these events, but she is going to have to admit to them that she broke our vows and sought comfort with another person. I did not realize what I had done to her emotionally, it was not out of malice, but what she did to me was in the full knowledge that it was wrong and what she was doing has consequences.
I to this day do not understand the sheer indifference she has about all this. It is shocking to have a matter of fact conversation about bloody details and her have a smirk on her face without the slightest hint of remorse.
I admire her for leaving me with the kids. It is either the most selfish thing I’ve ever seen someone do, or the kindest thing I’ve ever seen. I can’t decide which it is, but in the end it doesn’t matter because what she does or does not do has no meaning any more. My focus is on damage control and stability for these kids. They don’t deserve this.
Forget about your happiness, do the right thing whatever that is. You know what that right thing is, do that and think of someone else besides yourself. You have others that depend on you. They don’t deserve to suffer because you want to be happy. Take a break from everything, step back, take a deep personal look at what is best for everyone. I’m not saying it is to stay, but do what is right for everyone…not just you.
Forgive me if I’m lecturing, I don’t mean to. I don’t know you or your circumstances and this is kind of an outpouring of my feelings on the issue that sounds similar to mine.
Mike, thanks for posting. I’m sorry you and your children are suffering the consequences of your wife’s infidelity.
I’m happy though to hear that she will be leaving the children with you. I would suggest you protect yourself legally and get an order for full custody.
I have a feeling her actions are based on her selfish need to be “happy.” Once her happiness bought at the expense of others falls apart she will be back wanting the children.
Even in cases like this a mother who leaves her children for another man can come back months or even years later and regain custody. Please see an attorney and get something in the form of a court order that will keep her from being able to do that.
Good luck!
Tara, you owe your husband the truth. You owe him answers to any questions he may have whatever his motivation.
What to do? Take responsibility for your actions and be willing to deal with the consequences of your actions. If you’ve done nothing you are ashamed of, you should not fear other people knowing.
Mike
It is good to get different perspectives on the same topic. And if you ask 10 people you will get 10 different answers.
A relationship is a two way street and although ones happiness should not be dependent upon some one else, it is necessary to recognize that it takes two in a relationship. I have ben married for 15 years and thought that my husband was the best thing that happened to me. As women, we take hurt over and over again and I am talking about emotional hurt. We dust ourselves off , get up and walk or even run again. Mike you may not understand this, but a big part of a relationship for a woman is emotional. Over the years, I have tried to express my feelings, and let him know how I felt about certain things. When you get a response such as ‘ you feel too much’, your feelings are incorrect- in other words you get judged on your feelings, one bottles them up.
In my case- it took 15 years and yes-sometimes a friend starts to make you see that your feelings are not wrong. And in fact that is just it. Feelings are feelings- neither wrong or right, so you continue talking and expressing yourself and feel good about it. Everything that is bottled up comes to the surface and you learn a lot about yourself in the process of becoming whole again.
The new relationship may actually be a transitional one, but I learned that I was not willing to live in limbo with my husband. It would have to be me that would have to change. Right now things are very ugly. He insults and abuses me in front of my children. He can’t get past his hurt. I have suggested joint counselling for us to get past this and decide if our relationship is worth salvaging. I have apologized for hurting him- but like your wife and I hope you will see this from an outsiders point of view. I am not sorry for the person I have become from this outside relationship. I realized what it meant to be respected, cherished and adored and most importantly validated as a human being. To have the best in me brought out so that i could give the best of myself to others. However he can’t get past his anger and hurt and insists that I show remorse before-he decides on whether to go for counselling.
The interpretation of a relationship outside of marriage- need not be considered sordid, it is how you look at it. I have learned so much from it. However- I have seen the worst of my spouse over the last 3 weeks, and I think to myself-is this the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? Is this what I want from a partner- he has defiled me and brought out the secrets I trusted him with in front of my children, my friends.
“I realized what it meant to be respected, cherished and adored and most importantly validated as a human being.”
Tara, self-respect comes from within, not without. The things you describe above if only felt via the “love” of someone else are not a true reflection of who you are.
It doesn’t matter how much this man loves, respects or adores you if you don’t feel those same things for yourself.
If you had any true self-respect or love for yourself it would not have taken another man to make you realize you couldn’t live in limbo with your husband. You are copping out big time.
I’ll be blunt with you, a relationship outside of marriage is sordid, no matter how you look at it. You are doing nothing that any other person who cheats doesn’t do. You are making excuses, making it something that it isn’t.
You are narcissistically viewing the relationship with this man as good because you need it to be good. Need to define it differently than the majority of society defines it. Because without this other man you would be right back where you were before you met him and you will justify being with him anyway you can.
“I have seen the worst of my spouse over the last 3 weeks, and I think to myself-is this the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? Is this what I want from a partner- he has defiled me and brought out the secrets I trusted him with in front of my children, my friends.”
You’ve seen the worst in your spouse? You question whether he is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Is his behavior what you want from a partner?
How about we get real Tara. You are upset with your husband because he has told your children and friends you cheated. You cheated…you got naked, got into bed and f#$ked another man but you have the audacity to judge your husband for “defiling” you and not keeping your trust? Talk about the “pot calling the kettle black!”
You are a grown woman, a wife and mother. You are not a sophomore in high school. Stop acting like one! You are right, feelings are feelings, they are neither right nor wrong. What is wrong is the behavior conducted based on feelings and when a married man or woman screws someone other than their spouse they have behaved badly and should have the common human decency to feel remorse.
If I were your husband I wouldn’t go to counseling with you either. You cheated on him and now want him to feel bad because if he had treated you better you would have never been open to cheating.
Get original Tara, you sound like hundreds of other cheaters I’ve communicated with. Same old justifications, same old excuses.
To have the “best” in you brought out so you can give the “best” of yourself to others? Where the hell is that “best” when it comes to the man you screwed around on? He may have been emotionally unavailable to you and he may be angry as hell with you now but he, in no way has done anything that comes close to what you have done.
Do him and your children a favor. Leave them to heal and get on with their lives. Don’t be surprised though if he doesn’t want you back when you get ready to go back.
‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’. Cathy I am sorry you feel this way. But you should get help for yourself and deal with your own issues of resentment before posting unsolicited advice to other people you know nothing about.
When it comes to infidelity Tara, I have no issues. No personal experience with the subject. I have never cheated nor been cheated on.
I have, however spent years as a professional dealing with the harm that infidelity causes and the excuses those who cheat come up with for their bad behavior. I’m not the one with an issue Tara, you are.
As for unsolicited advice…you came here looking for advice. Maybe you thought you would get a pat on the head and told to carry on. Maybe the fact that you didn’t hit a nerve with you. Whatever has caused your “resentment” over my advice and opinion, you asked and were told.