Comments on: To Tell Or Not To Tell—About His Affairs http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2009/07/to-tell-or-not-to-tell%e2%80%94about-his-affairs/ Online magazine for the divorced woman Thu, 11 Mar 2010 02:31:48 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.2 hourly 1 By: marlene http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2009/07/to-tell-or-not-to-tell%e2%80%94about-his-affairs/comment-page-1/#comment-31902 marlene Mon, 01 Mar 2010 13:35:28 +0000 http://divorcedwomenonline.com/?p=48#comment-31902 they did speak a couple of days ago - they arranged to talk during a time when I was out - my husband told me that our son had a number of questions, which he answered, and said that he may call again with more questions which my husband told him was fine - I know I will need to remind my husband that he has to ask our son's forgiveness for what he did even if it wasn't done directly to him - my husband is a teacher (as are my son and I as well) and I think I also have to remind him that this is, as you said, an opportunity for our son to learn a valuable lesson they did speak a couple of days ago – they arranged to talk during a time when I was out – my husband told me that our son had a number of questions, which he answered, and said that he may call again with more questions which my husband told him was fine – I know I will need to remind my husband that he has to ask our son’s forgiveness for what he did even if it wasn’t done directly to him – my husband is a teacher (as are my son and I as well) and I think I also have to remind him that this is, as you said, an opportunity for our son to learn a valuable lesson

]]> By: delainem http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2009/07/to-tell-or-not-to-tell%e2%80%94about-his-affairs/comment-page-1/#comment-31423 delainem Wed, 24 Feb 2010 03:51:49 +0000 http://divorcedwomenonline.com/?p=48#comment-31423 Marlene, I'm glad to hear your husband is reaching out to your son and trying to open the door of communication. I'd just remind him that no matter how old your son is, your son still needs his dad to be the one who CONTINUES reaching out. Our kids still need us to be the parent and show how much we care in a situation like this. I just wouldn't want to hear your husband say, "Heck, I've TRIED...I called him, remember?" If non-communication turns into a month, then three months, then I bet a part of your son will be disappointed. Cause when someone REALLY cares, they should go the extra mile to make amends - just as your husband did with YOU. Marlene, I’m glad to hear your husband is reaching out to your son and trying to open the door of communication. I’d just remind him that no matter how old your son is, your son still needs his dad to be the one who CONTINUES reaching out. Our kids still need us to be the parent and show how much we care in a situation like this. I just wouldn’t want to hear your husband say, “Heck, I’ve TRIED…I called him, remember?” If non-communication turns into a month, then three months, then I bet a part of your son will be disappointed. Cause when someone REALLY cares, they should go the extra mile to make amends – just as your husband did with YOU.

]]> By: marlene http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2009/07/to-tell-or-not-to-tell%e2%80%94about-his-affairs/comment-page-1/#comment-31305 marlene Tue, 23 Feb 2010 20:58:06 +0000 http://divorcedwomenonline.com/?p=48#comment-31305 thanks for the response - my husband has many great qualities but he is a "put it behind you and move on" kind of guy - which has its advantages at times, I suppose - I am impressed that you so quickly hit the nail on the head, I think - he is perplexed about why our son is still expressing concerns when he himself considers the whole thing ancient history - he is not necessarily seeing or wanting to see the long-term effects of what happened and similarly thinks that talking about it after the fact just dredges up old pains that are better left in the past - obviously it would be nice if everyone could just forget about it but that is not realistic - I have told him that I would have to develop amnesia in order to not still think about the affair at times - in any case, since I did tell him about our son's conversation with me, he has emailed him and told him, again, to call him when he is ready to talk it out with him - I have told both of them that I do think they need to talk it out - I have the feeling our son wants to see and talk it through first with a therapist which is probably a good idea thanks for the response – my husband has many great qualities but he is a “put it behind you and move on” kind of guy – which has its advantages at times, I suppose – I am impressed that you so quickly hit the nail on the head, I think – he is perplexed about why our son is still expressing concerns when he himself considers the whole thing ancient history – he is not necessarily seeing or wanting to see the long-term effects of what happened and similarly thinks that talking about it after the fact just dredges up old pains that are better left in the past – obviously it would be nice if everyone could just forget about it but that is not realistic – I have told him that I would have to develop amnesia in order to not still think about the affair at times – in any case, since I did tell him about our son’s conversation with me, he has emailed him and told him, again, to call him when he is ready to talk it out with him – I have told both of them that I do think they need to talk it out – I have the feeling our son wants to see and talk it through first with a therapist which is probably a good idea

]]> By: delainem http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2009/07/to-tell-or-not-to-tell%e2%80%94about-his-affairs/comment-page-1/#comment-31269 delainem Tue, 23 Feb 2010 18:46:50 +0000 http://divorcedwomenonline.com/?p=48#comment-31269 Marlene, I was 21 when I found out my dad was cheating on my mom. So I can relate to the despair and confusion that your son is facing around his dad's deception. I know it was even harder for my older brother at the time (age 24) because my father was someone he'd held in such high regard as a role model. As a mom, I understand why every cell of your body wishes you could protect your son from going through his present turmoil. But as I read your comment, two things really stood out for me: 1) Your spouse needs to step up and take responsibility for how his affair affected your son. I don't care if it's uncomfortable for your husband, if he's deeply ashamed or if he has communication problems - he needs to man up. He can do it in the company of a counsellor if need be. 2) Your husband's affair can be turned into a really positive life lesson that your son can grow from if it is properly addressed. Just as you and your husband repaired things and have established a new level of intimacy, so too can all your family's relationships become stronger in the end. But again, your spouse needs to man up and make this a priority. Relationships between fathers and sons can be very complicated. To this day, my brother and father rarely speak - my father never properly manned up, but instead chose to avoid the issue, remain defensive, and in some ways, feel sorry for himself. Your spouse needs to know that this could be his reality if things aren't properly addressed and amended. Men shouldn't stay 'silent' around important matters - I don't care if it's part of thier DNA - find the courage, push yourself, seek help if need be. I won't feel sorry for grown men who choose not to speak. Your son deserves better than that. Hope that's not too harsh. (wince) Just being honest. Marlene, I was 21 when I found out my dad was cheating on my mom. So I can relate to the despair and confusion that your son is facing around his dad’s deception. I know it was even harder for my older brother at the time (age 24) because my father was someone he’d held in such high regard as a role model.

As a mom, I understand why every cell of your body wishes you could protect your son from going through his present turmoil. But as I read your comment, two things really stood out for me:
1) Your spouse needs to step up and take responsibility for how his affair affected your son. I don’t care if it’s uncomfortable for your husband, if he’s deeply ashamed or if he has communication problems – he needs to man up. He can do it in the company of a counsellor if need be.
2) Your husband’s affair can be turned into a really positive life lesson that your son can grow from if it is properly addressed. Just as you and your husband repaired things and have established a new level of intimacy, so too can all your family’s relationships become stronger in the end. But again, your spouse needs to man up and make this a priority.

Relationships between fathers and sons can be very complicated. To this day, my brother and father rarely speak – my father never properly manned up, but instead chose to avoid the issue, remain defensive, and in some ways, feel sorry for himself. Your spouse needs to know that this could be his reality if things aren’t properly addressed and amended. Men shouldn’t stay ’silent’ around important matters – I don’t care if it’s part of thier DNA – find the courage, push yourself, seek help if need be. I won’t feel sorry for grown men who choose not to speak. Your son deserves better than that.
Hope that’s not too harsh. (wince) Just being honest.

]]> By: marlene http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2009/07/to-tell-or-not-to-tell%e2%80%94about-his-affairs/comment-page-1/#comment-31188 marlene Tue, 23 Feb 2010 14:46:05 +0000 http://divorcedwomenonline.com/?p=48#comment-31188 I have a really complicated situation and would like to hear fron other people who were adults when they found out about a parent's affair. I told our son (who was 26 at the time) that his dad had an affair that I discovered about 4 months prior to that - the reason I told him is that his dad had ended the physical relationship but was maintaining contact with the person and I was on the verge of giving him an ultimatum and intended to leave if things did not improve - I didn't want to have it come as a surprise to our son. Over the next 6 months, my husband and I began to resolve and repair things and we are still together, much happier. The problem is that I didn't tell him that I had told our son. About 6 months after first telling our son, he told me he wanted his dad to know that he knew - the secrecy was affecting him and his relationship with his long-term girlfriend - at that time, our marriage was surviving but still so tentative (this was a year after my discovery, just about 5 months after things took a positive turn) I did a really dumb thing - I told my husband I wanted to tell our son, we called him and told him but I still didn't tell his dad that he knew before - it's now 3 years later and my son is saying he wants to see a therapist because he is still having issues about his dad's affair - they have never really talked it out with one another - my husband offered but our son said he wasn't ready. I know I was wrong, I have apologized and told my son I know I was wrong and asked him to forgive me - I am not sure it makes much sense not to tell my husband of this deception, obviously I am afraid to do that, but will if I think I should. Right now my primary concern is my son and our relationship as well as his relationship with his dad. Any feedback is welcome! I have a really complicated situation and would like to hear fron other people who were adults when they found out about a parent’s affair. I told our son (who was 26 at the time) that his dad had an affair that I discovered about 4 months prior to that – the reason I told him is that his dad had ended the physical relationship but was maintaining contact with the person and I was on the verge of giving him an ultimatum and intended to leave if things did not improve – I didn’t want to have it come as a surprise to our son. Over the next 6 months, my husband and I began to resolve and repair things and we are still together, much happier. The problem is that I didn’t tell him that I had told our son. About 6 months after first telling our son, he told me he wanted his dad to know that he knew – the secrecy was affecting him and his relationship with his long-term girlfriend – at that time, our marriage was surviving but still so tentative (this was a year after my discovery, just about 5 months after things took a positive turn) I did a really dumb thing – I told my husband I wanted to tell our son, we called him and told him but I still didn’t tell his dad that he knew before – it’s now 3 years later and my son is saying he wants to see a therapist because he is still having issues about his dad’s affair – they have never really talked it out with one another – my husband offered but our son said he wasn’t ready. I know I was wrong, I have apologized and told my son I know I was wrong and asked him to forgive me – I am not sure it makes much sense not to tell my husband of this deception, obviously I am afraid to do that, but will if I think I should. Right now my primary concern is my son and our relationship as well as his relationship with his dad. Any feedback is welcome!

]]> By: Cathy http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2009/07/to-tell-or-not-to-tell%e2%80%94about-his-affairs/comment-page-1/#comment-16056 Cathy Fri, 08 Jan 2010 17:28:21 +0000 http://divorcedwomenonline.com/?p=48#comment-16056 When it comes to infidelity Tara, I have no issues. No personal experience with the subject. I have never cheated nor been cheated on. I have, however spent years as a professional dealing with the harm that infidelity causes and the excuses those who cheat come up with for their bad behavior. I'm not the one with an issue Tara, you are. As for unsolicited advice...you came here looking for advice. Maybe you thought you would get a pat on the head and told to carry on. Maybe the fact that you didn't hit a nerve with you. Whatever has caused your "resentment" over my advice and opinion, you asked and were told. When it comes to infidelity Tara, I have no issues. No personal experience with the subject. I have never cheated nor been cheated on.

I have, however spent years as a professional dealing with the harm that infidelity causes and the excuses those who cheat come up with for their bad behavior. I’m not the one with an issue Tara, you are.

As for unsolicited advice…you came here looking for advice. Maybe you thought you would get a pat on the head and told to carry on. Maybe the fact that you didn’t hit a nerve with you. Whatever has caused your “resentment” over my advice and opinion, you asked and were told.

]]> By: Tara http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2009/07/to-tell-or-not-to-tell%e2%80%94about-his-affairs/comment-page-1/#comment-15845 Tara Thu, 07 Jan 2010 14:56:56 +0000 http://divorcedwomenonline.com/?p=48#comment-15845 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. Cathy I am sorry you feel this way. But you should get help for yourself and deal with your own issues of resentment before posting unsolicited advice to other people you know nothing about. ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’. Cathy I am sorry you feel this way. But you should get help for yourself and deal with your own issues of resentment before posting unsolicited advice to other people you know nothing about.

]]> By: Cathy http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2009/07/to-tell-or-not-to-tell%e2%80%94about-his-affairs/comment-page-1/#comment-13596 Cathy Tue, 29 Dec 2009 03:02:38 +0000 http://divorcedwomenonline.com/?p=48#comment-13596 <b>"I realized what it meant to be respected, cherished and adored and most importantly validated as a human being."</b> Tara, self-respect comes from within, not without. The things you describe above if only felt via the "love" of someone else are not a true reflection of who you are. It doesn't matter how much this man loves, respects or adores you if you don't feel those same things for yourself. If you had any true self-respect or love for yourself it would not have taken another man to make you realize you couldn't live in limbo with your husband. You are copping out big time. I'll be blunt with you, a relationship outside of marriage is sordid, no matter how you look at it. You are doing nothing that any other person who cheats doesn't do. You are making excuses, making it something that it isn't. You are narcissistically viewing the relationship with this man as good because you need it to be good. Need to define it differently than the majority of society defines it. Because without this other man you would be right back where you were before you met him and you will justify being with him anyway you can. <b>"I have seen the worst of my spouse over the last 3 weeks, and I think to myself-is this the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? Is this what I want from a partner- he has defiled me and brought out the secrets I trusted him with in front of my children, my friends."</b> You've seen the worst in your spouse? You question whether he is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Is his behavior what you want from a partner? How about we get real Tara. You are upset with your husband because he has told your children and friends you cheated. You cheated...you got naked, got into bed and f#$ked another man but you have the audacity to judge your husband for "defiling" you and not keeping your trust? Talk about the "pot calling the kettle black!" You are a grown woman, a wife and mother. You are not a sophomore in high school. Stop acting like one! You are right, feelings are feelings, they are neither right nor wrong. What is wrong is the behavior conducted based on feelings and when a married man or woman screws someone other than their spouse they have behaved badly and should have the common human decency to feel remorse. If I were your husband I wouldn't go to counseling with you either. You cheated on him and now want him to feel bad because if he had treated you better you would have never been open to cheating. Get original Tara, you sound like hundreds of other cheaters I've communicated with. Same old justifications, same old excuses. To have the "best" in you brought out so you can give the "best" of yourself to others? Where the hell is that "best" when it comes to the man you screwed around on? He may have been emotionally unavailable to you and he may be angry as hell with you now but he, in no way has done anything that comes close to what you have done. Do him and your children a favor. Leave them to heal and get on with their lives. Don't be surprised though if he doesn't want you back when you get ready to go back. “I realized what it meant to be respected, cherished and adored and most importantly validated as a human being.”

Tara, self-respect comes from within, not without. The things you describe above if only felt via the “love” of someone else are not a true reflection of who you are.

It doesn’t matter how much this man loves, respects or adores you if you don’t feel those same things for yourself.

If you had any true self-respect or love for yourself it would not have taken another man to make you realize you couldn’t live in limbo with your husband. You are copping out big time.

I’ll be blunt with you, a relationship outside of marriage is sordid, no matter how you look at it. You are doing nothing that any other person who cheats doesn’t do. You are making excuses, making it something that it isn’t.

You are narcissistically viewing the relationship with this man as good because you need it to be good. Need to define it differently than the majority of society defines it. Because without this other man you would be right back where you were before you met him and you will justify being with him anyway you can.

“I have seen the worst of my spouse over the last 3 weeks, and I think to myself-is this the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? Is this what I want from a partner- he has defiled me and brought out the secrets I trusted him with in front of my children, my friends.”

You’ve seen the worst in your spouse? You question whether he is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Is his behavior what you want from a partner?

How about we get real Tara. You are upset with your husband because he has told your children and friends you cheated. You cheated…you got naked, got into bed and f#$ked another man but you have the audacity to judge your husband for “defiling” you and not keeping your trust? Talk about the “pot calling the kettle black!”

You are a grown woman, a wife and mother. You are not a sophomore in high school. Stop acting like one! You are right, feelings are feelings, they are neither right nor wrong. What is wrong is the behavior conducted based on feelings and when a married man or woman screws someone other than their spouse they have behaved badly and should have the common human decency to feel remorse.

If I were your husband I wouldn’t go to counseling with you either. You cheated on him and now want him to feel bad because if he had treated you better you would have never been open to cheating.

Get original Tara, you sound like hundreds of other cheaters I’ve communicated with. Same old justifications, same old excuses.

To have the “best” in you brought out so you can give the “best” of yourself to others? Where the hell is that “best” when it comes to the man you screwed around on? He may have been emotionally unavailable to you and he may be angry as hell with you now but he, in no way has done anything that comes close to what you have done.

Do him and your children a favor. Leave them to heal and get on with their lives. Don’t be surprised though if he doesn’t want you back when you get ready to go back.

]]> By: Tara http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2009/07/to-tell-or-not-to-tell%e2%80%94about-his-affairs/comment-page-1/#comment-13526 Tara Mon, 28 Dec 2009 22:54:42 +0000 http://divorcedwomenonline.com/?p=48#comment-13526 Mike It is good to get different perspectives on the same topic. And if you ask 10 people you will get 10 different answers. A relationship is a two way street and although ones happiness should not be dependent upon some one else, it is necessary to recognize that it takes two in a relationship. I have ben married for 15 years and thought that my husband was the best thing that happened to me. As women, we take hurt over and over again and I am talking about emotional hurt. We dust ourselves off , get up and walk or even run again. Mike you may not understand this, but a big part of a relationship for a woman is emotional. Over the years, I have tried to express my feelings, and let him know how I felt about certain things. When you get a response such as ' you feel too much', your feelings are incorrect- in other words you get judged on your feelings, one bottles them up. In my case- it took 15 years and yes-sometimes a friend starts to make you see that your feelings are not wrong. And in fact that is just it. Feelings are feelings- neither wrong or right, so you continue talking and expressing yourself and feel good about it. Everything that is bottled up comes to the surface and you learn a lot about yourself in the process of becoming whole again. The new relationship may actually be a transitional one, but I learned that I was not willing to live in limbo with my husband. It would have to be me that would have to change. Right now things are very ugly. He insults and abuses me in front of my children. He can't get past his hurt. I have suggested joint counselling for us to get past this and decide if our relationship is worth salvaging. I have apologized for hurting him- but like your wife and I hope you will see this from an outsiders point of view. I am not sorry for the person I have become from this outside relationship. I realized what it meant to be respected, cherished and adored and most importantly validated as a human being. To have the best in me brought out so that i could give the best of myself to others. However he can't get past his anger and hurt and insists that I show remorse before-he decides on whether to go for counselling. The interpretation of a relationship outside of marriage- need not be considered sordid, it is how you look at it. I have learned so much from it. However- I have seen the worst of my spouse over the last 3 weeks, and I think to myself-is this the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? Is this what I want from a partner- he has defiled me and brought out the secrets I trusted him with in front of my children, my friends. Mike
It is good to get different perspectives on the same topic. And if you ask 10 people you will get 10 different answers.
A relationship is a two way street and although ones happiness should not be dependent upon some one else, it is necessary to recognize that it takes two in a relationship. I have ben married for 15 years and thought that my husband was the best thing that happened to me. As women, we take hurt over and over again and I am talking about emotional hurt. We dust ourselves off , get up and walk or even run again. Mike you may not understand this, but a big part of a relationship for a woman is emotional. Over the years, I have tried to express my feelings, and let him know how I felt about certain things. When you get a response such as ‘ you feel too much’, your feelings are incorrect- in other words you get judged on your feelings, one bottles them up.
In my case- it took 15 years and yes-sometimes a friend starts to make you see that your feelings are not wrong. And in fact that is just it. Feelings are feelings- neither wrong or right, so you continue talking and expressing yourself and feel good about it. Everything that is bottled up comes to the surface and you learn a lot about yourself in the process of becoming whole again.
The new relationship may actually be a transitional one, but I learned that I was not willing to live in limbo with my husband. It would have to be me that would have to change. Right now things are very ugly. He insults and abuses me in front of my children. He can’t get past his hurt. I have suggested joint counselling for us to get past this and decide if our relationship is worth salvaging. I have apologized for hurting him- but like your wife and I hope you will see this from an outsiders point of view. I am not sorry for the person I have become from this outside relationship. I realized what it meant to be respected, cherished and adored and most importantly validated as a human being. To have the best in me brought out so that i could give the best of myself to others. However he can’t get past his anger and hurt and insists that I show remorse before-he decides on whether to go for counselling.
The interpretation of a relationship outside of marriage- need not be considered sordid, it is how you look at it. I have learned so much from it. However- I have seen the worst of my spouse over the last 3 weeks, and I think to myself-is this the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? Is this what I want from a partner- he has defiled me and brought out the secrets I trusted him with in front of my children, my friends.

]]> By: Cathy Meyer http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2009/07/to-tell-or-not-to-tell%e2%80%94about-his-affairs/comment-page-1/#comment-11474 Cathy Meyer Mon, 21 Dec 2009 07:24:26 +0000 http://divorcedwomenonline.com/?p=48#comment-11474 Mike, thanks for posting. I'm sorry you and your children are suffering the consequences of your wife's infidelity. I'm happy though to hear that she will be leaving the children with you. I would suggest you protect yourself legally and get an order for full custody. I have a feeling her actions are based on her selfish need to be "happy." Once her happiness bought at the expense of others falls apart she will be back wanting the children. Even in cases like this a mother who leaves her children for another man can come back months or even years later and regain custody. Please see an attorney and get something in the form of a court order that will keep her from being able to do that. Good luck! Tara, you owe your husband the truth. You owe him answers to any questions he may have whatever his motivation. What to do? Take responsibility for your actions and be willing to deal with the consequences of your actions. If you've done nothing you are ashamed of, you should not fear other people knowing. Mike, thanks for posting. I’m sorry you and your children are suffering the consequences of your wife’s infidelity.

I’m happy though to hear that she will be leaving the children with you. I would suggest you protect yourself legally and get an order for full custody.

I have a feeling her actions are based on her selfish need to be “happy.” Once her happiness bought at the expense of others falls apart she will be back wanting the children.

Even in cases like this a mother who leaves her children for another man can come back months or even years later and regain custody. Please see an attorney and get something in the form of a court order that will keep her from being able to do that.

Good luck!

Tara, you owe your husband the truth. You owe him answers to any questions he may have whatever his motivation.

What to do? Take responsibility for your actions and be willing to deal with the consequences of your actions. If you’ve done nothing you are ashamed of, you should not fear other people knowing.

]]>