Divorced Mom Has The S-E-X Talk With Her Young Sons
August 20, 2009 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under NoMore, Parenting, Single Moms
I know that parents – divorced or not – can have very different opinions about talking to their kids about sex. Not just over who should do the explaining (ie: school board vs same sex parent vs a book), but at what age the initial conversation should take place and how much info should be given.
Me? This divorced mom had the introductory conversation with her seven-year-old AND eight-year-old sons last weekend – at separate times. No, I didn’t ‘plan’ it, though I’d been thinking about it for awhile. The right opportunities simply presented themselves, so I jumped on them.
My seven year old and I were alone in the minivan (of all places!) when the conversation transpired. We saw some deer and fawns in a field and next thing you know, we were talking about how human babies are made.
Two days later, my eight year old and I were cuddling and watching a TV commercial when he suddenly laughed and said: “That girl on TV thinks she’s sexy.” Then: “Mom…what is sex anyways?”
I didn’t go overboard in my descriptions to either child – I didn’t want to inundate them with too much information. But I made sure the basic how-to’s and mechanics were covered. They both asked some questions, to which I carefully but honestly answered. And at the end of both conversations, there were three things I stressed to each child:
1) Sex is a grown-up thing. And they shouldn’t experiment with it, talk about it, or joke about it with their friends; most of them don’t even know about it yet.
2) Sex is about showing love and respect for someone special.
3) They can ask me more questions about it anytime they want – just not in front of each other. And I’ll always answer them as best I can.
In some ways, I think talking about sex with my boys was a bigger deal to me than to my boys. It brought back weird feelings and memories – my mom talking to me about menstruation when I was in grade four…how my grade seven sex education teacher turned beet red and danced around our questions. Sex was wrapped in mystery, secrecy, even shame back then. Everyone seemed bent on telling us as little as possible, as if that would somehow protect us. But it didn’t protect ME – it made me the perfect victim for a child predator when I was 13 years old. And I’ve always sworn I would load with my kids with not only an immense dose of self-esteem, but with the necessary information to help them make good choices.
The sex conversations I shared with my sons last weekend weren’t awkward like the ones from childhood. If anything, they were beautiful bonding moments. Both of my sons listened attentively and I could tell they felt special…trusted…grown-up. I knew I’d made the right decision – and that I’d open the door to new conversations about sex in future.
Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com
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I always imagined it would be my son’s father who would have that conversation with him. But I ended up being the one to do it. I think that’s a good thing. My ex didn’t exactly have a respectful attitude towards women. So yeah. Better that I did the teaching.
My oldest was told at seven. He took it well and has never had a problem talking sex with me.
My youngest shied away from any conversation about sex with his Mom. According to him Dads were supposed to tell boys about sex.
Too bad his Dad wasn’t around to have that talk with him. His Dad was such a prude about sex…”don’t know why everyone makes such a big deal about sex.”
I can just imagine his Dad telling him, “sex isn’t a big deal.” Just think how that would make a teenager who thought about sex 24/7 feel about himself.
Good news is, both my boys learned what needed to be learned and unlike their father think sex is a BIG deal.
I’ve heard it said before that at whatever age you THINK your kids are ready to have the sex talk – back it up a year. I think there’s a window of time where kids are open to talking about it before they get too awkward.
Case in point – the other night, my eldest son and I were watching a kids show where the parents were trying to talk to their pubescent son and daughter about sex. Both kids were totally unreceptive and embarassed and basically ran away from their parents’ attempts. My son turned to me and asked, “Why are the kids acting like that?”
My son and I have always have talked openly about sex, of course age appropriate. Now that he is a teenager our conversations have gotten more direct and to the point. Our talks now consists of how is sex is more than a “physical” thing, but“emotional”and having respect for the other person involved. Once you make this decision you cannot take it back – no “do overs”!
At first, I would get the role of the eyes and “Mom, I really do not want to have this conversation with you!” I kept talking and he now he does not roll his eyes as much; conversations now are more about the emotional impact not only on him but the girl and safe sex. I am glad my son knows he can talk with me, knowing his questions will answered with honesty and respect.
Joyce, I think the ‘age appropriate’ factor you mentioned is key. Sex is a HUGE, complicated, emotional, physical,spiritual thing to us adults. So the thought of introducing it to our kids brings up so many thoughts and feelings, we can be unsure where to start or finish any conversation on it!
My goal was to introduce my sons to the basics and open the door to conversations in future. When puberty kicks in, I hope that door will lead to more in-depth discussions around the emotional side of sex and safe sex, just as you have done.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It reinforces my feeling that I made the right choice!