Sexually Invisible

Submitted by: Anonymous

More than a decade of self~enforced celibacy.  From the start it was because I was reluctant to allow a man into my most private spaces.  My love is not up for grabs and I have a tendency to want to love when I make love.  I did not want to risk the possibility of someone’s ‘being’ melting into my psyche and losing myself all over again. So I became sexually invisible.

Toys are great things.  They come in handy, they do not cause pregnancy or spread disease and I can be guaranteed sensual bliss in less than five minutes.  Mine gets used a lot ~ maybe it’s got something to do with the weather, when it’s hot, so am I.  But there have been months when it sits in the box waiting.  Waiting just for me.

So in my fiercely independent world I have become completely self-reliant.  It’s okay, I have friends who motivate my thought processes and keep me light and happy. I have learned to live on a strict budget and what is important to me has changed.  I used to be all about meeting schedules and balancing meals, but now I’m more about body butter and a good haircut. Taking care of the package, my life has finally become about me.

So, into my intensely private world came Facebook.  Due to the evolving of names and places and a toxic-tongued ex, I felt uncomfortable with putting my picture up.  My birth name is Barbara, Barbie ~ so I trawled the internet and found a plethora of pics of Barbie in various ages and stages and I’d update me with them… You know, they’d remember Barbie because they haven’t got a clue who Maya is.

But for some unknown reason, yesterday on both of my sites I uploaded a recent picture of ME.  Some people had not seen me for 40 years.  I’ve seen them, their honesty showing through the pasted faces on their profiles… Some have worn so well, others really look as though they’ve had hard lives.

I don’t like my face.  I love my spirit.  I have two mirrors in my house, both at nose height so I don’t have to see what I look like.  I blame it on my ex who used to call me ‘fat sloppy c**t’ and I guess I started to believe it.  Hence, no mirrors, no pics, no visual honesty in my profile.

I don’t know why it happened but in the 24 hours since I put my real face out there for the world to see, I’ve had almost 60 comments from people who have been with me in every different place, each different level of existence.  SIXTY comments ~ each one nicer and sweeter than the one before.  I think the girls know how hard it might have been for me to put myself out there and they have been so encouraging as though they really understand that I am still feeling so lost.

And the boys ~ well they’ve always said sweet things ~ but I have to tell you that this made me feel…  strange, appreciated and maybe a little less invisible.