Finding ‘The One’ – Should We Be More Practical?
August 4, 2009 by delainem
Filed under Making It Work With a New Partner, Relationships, delainemoore
Submitted by Delaine
Since divorcing two years ago, I’ve questioned (and doubted) this thing called True Love. I mean, we hear about it, read about, and watch it in the movies. But is there really such a thing a ‘THE One’ for everyone? Or is it something that very few are destined to have?
Sometimes I think there are hundreds, if not thousands, of men on Earth that I could be ‘happy with.’ The way I see it,
if you set up a life with someone and have friendship and respect, you would become attached and feel ‘love ‘ for him. Will the ‘Earth move’ and fireworks go off with him/her? Probably not. But over ‘Time,’ maybe the friendship and ‘decency’ factors outweigh the value of sparks and this rumored ’soul connection.’
What if we were to be more practical when it camesto choosing a partner? What if we based our selection on a list of qualitiese we most like/admire in a man, and then allowed ‘Time’ to take care of the deepening? This list would include his core values (SUPER important), some similar interests/hobbies, and a few physical attributes of importance (ie, he’s fit, bald, thick penis, whatever). NOW - mix that all up and throw it across the table - cause in a way, we ARE gambling here. What are the odds of us sharing a good, fulfilling lifetime with this person?
Now compare that to what most of us do: we seek this ‘True Love’ thing and follow our hearts. We look for that magic, that beauty, that ‘feeling’ like no other. We think we’ve found it. We believe the gods have smiled on us, sent us The One. We get married, maybe have a child or two, and set up all the trimming of the family dream.
But oftentimes,it’s not till we’re five or ten years in that we realize we don’t share the same interests with our spouse. Perhaps our core values are even mismatched. Sex dies. Each person does his/her own thing more often that not. And next thing you know, we’re either drowning in an unhappy marriage, someone’s having an affair or a divorce is underway.
I know I’m being very unromantic. Maybe I’m diminishing the most beautiful of things, True Love, by applying my brain to Heart & Soul Territory. But what person who divorces doesn’t question True Love? Especially when it involved betrayal and her heart being broken?
I DO know couples who have the Real Thing – True Love in all its glory. So I know it’s out there, it IS possible. But again, is it possible for everyone? Or the lucky or destined few? If I’m not to be one of the chosen few who experience it in this life, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone, looking for something that isn’t to be mine. Maybe choosing friendship and decency and strong values (and a thick penis *wink) over The Magic truly is the most sensible and fulfilling choice to make.
Delaine
Other Articles:
Sexual Adventure: Less Than A Bump & A Grind
If there are some people who get the REAL THING – then it DOES exist and I for one will not rest until I find it!!! The first time was not it but that just means I didn’t wait long enough. I’m gonna keep going til I find him!!
I agree with you Delaine. Anyone who divorces does question what this thing is called true love. We also wonder why others have it but we don’t; it’s like a puzzle. What do we need to do differently? Is it matter of destiny of fate? Can ‘decent’ love turn into true love over time?
When we’ve followed our hearts and failed and been hurt, I think it’s important to question. Not necessarily judge, but question. And yes, maybe look at things on some level in a more practical way.
I don’t think there’s any guartantee that it will find us, or we find it, which ever you believe. But if the mind, body, soul of a woman still burn bright, I beleive it’s more than just a possibility.
Best,
Gisele
Delaine…are you my twin? I swear you know what I’m thinking. So many of your posts hit home with me as you well know. We all dream of finding that magic combination but I’m not sure that right now I want to live without the “magic.” Had to many years without that in my life. The other things (decency, values, friendship, respect, etc.) are non-negotiable in my book. My next man or any future men will have those things or not be with me, simple as that. I hope that magic will be there too…would think long and hard about the relationship if it wasn’t. If it isn’t there from the beginning I would have to take a huge leap of faith to believe that it would grow from having a deep connection with someone. Not sure I’m ready to trust enough that it would happen.
I think part of my problem is understanding the relationship between love and ‘time.’ Some people say it’s only after you spend a lifetime together, through better and worse, that loves deepens and becomes, in fact, true love.
I’m not interested in stomping on and minimizing the love I once felt with my ex-partner; our marriage is done so why wave a craving knife over its grave? It was real to me when I was younger and I was happy for a great deal of our marriage.
It’s just…well…I guess the truth is, I’d like the next one to last a full life-time. Of course there’re no guarantees, but the idea of withnessing and respecting someone immensely over the course of many years seem not only romantic, but very peaceful. And maybe, just maybe, that kind of love is built more on shared values and common interests than this Magical Thing that none of us can seemingly define.
I’m probably trying to wrap words around something undescribable…but heck, what else is new!
LOL
Delaine I think this thing called Love can be very confusing in many forms. I too thought that I loved my ex like nothing else and now I truly loathe him. However I do think that true love exist. I also believe that we do have the ability to find love again. Maybe we shouldnt go out there intentionally and look for it maybe we should give it a chance and let it find us……I don’t have all the answers I can only speak for myself.
I do think that in any love relationship it is about having a common understanding and having the same values. If you believe in mutual respect then you should look for someone that shares the same values. All this hype about sparks flying around I believe is totally superficial, but I will say this; there must be attraction and that might not come immediately it might grow on you and as time goes by it will probably fade as well. So when this happens will need the 2nd most important value, which is commitment! Commitment to the relationship, committed to one another and being committed to your children.
Now I am a little bit wiser and a little bit older( I don’t look a day older then 20 lol) so what I looked for in a partner when I was younger is def not the same things I was looking for now.
I’m not saying it is right I am not saying it is wrong but those things I find is rather essential in lasting relationships and offcourse being best friends as well.
I’ve seen lots of couples with very successful relationships of which my parents are a prime example, they are still together. I think we should stop believing that marriage and relationships are filled with this idealistic picture that hollywood creates just to realise that your prince is not a prince after all. We are all human being and we all have our faults and mistakes but that doesnt mean that anybody deserves to be in a bad relationship at all.