Taking the High Road During Divorce…Doing it With Integrity

Submitted by: Cathy

Not long ago I wrote a blog post on my blog at Divorce Support.About.com. In it, I discussed ways to keep the family court system from gaining too much control over what happens in your divorce.

I had a comment left that I found very enlightening and an apt description of how adversarial divorce has become. I’m going to use the comment here in hopes of making a point.

“Does divorce ever end? The answer, predictably, is “Yes,” but not until you’ve reached the end of your patience, logic, optimism and reasonableness. Because, you see, that’s exactly the point: The divorce wars have little to do with Mediation or Courts or even which spouse is the more childish of the two. It’s about power and who can manage to stand on the log longer before toppling off, into the rushing water below.

If you really want to make it to the shore of singledom without finding yourself tossed into shark-infested waters, learn the art of endurance. Exercise until the sweat gushes from pores and glands you didn’t know you had; take a Yoga class and learn discipline of the mind, spirit and body.

Build up your strength from within and get ready to stick to what you want like a barnacle to a shipwreck. After you’ve proven your tenacity, it won’t matter whether it’s a mediator or a lawyer assisting you on this voyage: You’ll have set your course and now all you’ll need to do is steer towards your goal.”

I won’t argue with anything in the above statement. If you have been through an adversarial divorce, you know from experience that it does boil down to who is the weakest, who has the most stamina, and who can hire the most expensive attorney.

I will argue with the person’s belief that all divorces have to be that way. The war can be taken out of divorce if you make the decision to not allow an adversarial attorney to decide which path your divorce will take. What most people going through a divorce fail to understand is that they and they alone steer the course and determine how forceful the waters become.

I fully understand that if your spouse is acting irrationally and has gone on the attack that you have no choice but to protect yourself. I encourage you to do so. I hope though that anyone reading this and contemplating or going through a divorce is able to understand that divorce is about ending a marriage.

It isn’t about punishing your spouse or using the legal system to get back at them. It is about taking the high road, showing integrity, putting your children first and gently taking apart something that, at one time meant the world to you.

I think if we can all stop and remember that we have been given the responsibility for dismantling something we once thought was precious, we will be more respectful during the process…to ourselves and the person we shared that something precious with.

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