Worries Of A Divorced Parent: Am I Doing ‘Enough’?
September 10, 2009 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under Children & Divorce, Family, NoMore, Parenting
Submitted by Delaine
Even when I was married, I sometimes worried that I wasn’t doing ‘enough’ for my kids: Should they be involved in more activities or less? Am I too strict or not strict enough? Am I doing, saying, showing my kids enough of whatever they need to feel loved and special? We only get one shot at raising our kids after all.
Now that I’m a single mom, these old worries have doubled. Logistics, time, and energy are my regular enemies. How can I be at three different soccer fields at the same time? How do I carve the precious one-on-one time each child needs and deserves? And on top of that I hear, time and time again, that no matter how hard I try to do the jobs of two parents, I’ll never properly do the dad job simply cause I’m not male.
I worry that sometimes my kids cry when I’m not watching. I worry that some days they feel unloved or not special enough. I worry they’re more confused about my divorce than they let on – that damage done will reappear in therapy twenty years from now as they sit across from a psychologist.
There are moments when I think I suck as a parent; when I feel sorry for myself and whine about the unnaturalness of raising three kids solo. There are times I feel so tired I don’t know how I’m going to muster the energy to go three more weeks without help or support. And yes, there are moments when I feel so unappreciated, I don’t have it in me to be my own cheerleader.
But tonight as I tucked my eldest son, aged 8, into bed he grabbed me in a bear hug and said: “I love you SOOOOOOOO much, mom. And do you know why?”
“Why?” I asked softly, my face already aglow.
“Because you’re ALWAYS there for me. ALWAYS. You NEVER let me down. You ALWAYS always keep your promises.”
And I realized that every little thing I’ve done for my kids - every laugh we’ve shared, tear we’ve cried, meal I’ve prepared for them, and sport I’ve attended – added up into A LOT, to both my kids and me. I may not have as much time or money or energy or knowledge as un-divorced parents. But my son’s words showed me that little eyes have been watching mom’s great efforts. And their little souls feel safe and secure and much-loved. So even though I may not do things ‘perfectly’ with my kids, I know that so far, I’m doing ‘enough.’
Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com
Other Articles:
POWER: A Scary Reason Why Some Exes Bow Out On Time With Their Kids
Voicemail Disaster: Don’t Be Like Dimitri The Stud
Assistance For Low Income Single Moms
That was a great post. I know the feeling all to well. Little ones do recognize the effort that we put into caring for them. About two months ago, Cali went to have a sleepover at my mom’s with my niece. She through a fit on my mom about 2 hours after being there. Told my mom that daddy takes better care of her and want to go home to daddy. (Her and my niece here fighting and she didn’t have the right kind of cereal for breakfast) Made my mom feel like sh*t but proud at the same time.
She also told my mom one day that she was not going to eat her pork chops because daddy’s here better. Another instance she told her grandmother on her mother’s side something similar but about chicken……boy did I an hear full…………..They will tell you how it is……………Gotta love that
the fact that you care whether you’re doing enough is what proves you are doing enough. no one is PERFECT and no parent is even close. and no matter how perfect we are, kids from great homes turn into psychos and kids from bad homes turn into CEOs…and vice versa. all you can do is your best.
The fact that you even care what your children “need and deserve” and put an effort into meeting that…that speaks volumes, and is all we can strive to do.
Whereas life is a dynamic experience it sure seems like parenting – and especially single parenting – is even more dynamic. Delaine, with three kids I can only imagine the ongoing thought process you go through determining what works for one child and then dialing in on something completely different that may work for another child. And then the realization that because of the dynamic nature of the parent/child(ren) relationship what worked last year or last month may not work now. Sure keeps us on our toes, but thank God for the tap dance that we do even if it makes our feet hurt sometimes.
You’ll worry. You’ll feel guilty. You’ll try to STOP feeling guilty. Eventually, you’ll be too tired to feel guilty, and you’ll STILL feel guilty.
Eventually Part II – You realize you’re doing the best you can, and kids know that. My take on parental guilt: http://dailyplateofcrazy.wordpress.com/2009/07/10/single-parent-guilt-seth-godin-egg/.
As for running out of guilt, or seeing the light at the end of the tunnel? I’ve got one teen at home, and another now hundreds of miles away at college. Guess what – he still needs money, he still needs conversation, he still needs paperwork, and more importantly – discussion time and an active parent he can rely on. It’s less frequent, and long distance. I find I’m very grateful that he still needs me, and equally grateful that it’s less frequent, especially with his younger brother turning up the adolescent volume. I do feel less guilty, but what I provide still feels like not quite enough.