Can Infidelity Save The Modern Marriage?
November 12, 2009 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under Coping, Infidelity, NoMore, Online Dating
Submitted by Delaine
Can cheating on your spouse end up saving your marriage? According to Noel Biderman in his new book, Cheaters Proper, How Infidelity Will Save The Modern Marriage, the answer, believe it or not, is yes.
Who is this Noel Biderman? This native Torontonian is the CEO and founder of The Ashley Madison Agency, an online dating service that helps married men and women cheat on their spouses. With more than four million members and still growing fast, Biderman created his company back in 2001 by catering to a huge untapped market: unhappy, bored, and/or unfulfilled husbands and wives. Hence the slogan: ”take the monotony out of monogamy.”
Last Tuesday, Biderman was interviewed with his wife (yes, he’s happily married and both say they’ve never cheated) on CTV’s Canada AM about the premise of his controversial new book – that is, infidelity can be a positive thing for a marriage. He says that although people cheat for varying reasons, at the core it’s about people being unhappy and suffering – and their biological drive to ‘”change that.” Through having an affair, they often become better partners, better parents, better bosses, better friends…over all, just happier. And that’s something us North Americans have a hard time swallowing - Biderman pointed to other cultures like France and Japan where infidelity rates are extremely high, but their divorce rates are low. He says they “put (cheating and divorce) in a new perspective.”
Oftentimes cheaters try to communicate their unhappiness to their spouses, Biderman said, but don’t know how to express or discuss it. Moreover, they’re terrified of how thier spouses might react/retaliate if they attempt to go there at all. Nonetheless, he says “75% of marriages DO survive” infidelity and those relationships become stronger as a result; infidelity becomes a catalyst for change and can bring couples closer in the long run.
Whether we agree with Biderman’s views or not, there’s no doubt that marriage and the concept of monogamy are seriously taking a beating in our culture. So what do you think – should we/could we work harder to hold marriages and relationships together after an affair is exposed? Does our culture make it harder to accept infidelity than others? And ultimately, now that you’re divorcing or have moved through one, do you think monogamy is on its way out?
Delaine www.iamdivorcednotdead.com
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Such a progressive bunch of women here
. Guess a will stick my toes in the water gently.
To begin with, the affair is probably happening because the marriage is in trouble to begin with. Someone or both are not having the physical or/and emotional needs met.
Please don’t promote cheating is healthy for a marriage. To think the worries about gay marriage ruining the world!
In my mind, which I think is becoming more conservative as I get older, cheating is just that, cheating. It is the biggest breach of trust in any relationship. Let’s not forget, you also bring back into the bedroom, everyone your lover slept with.
You think it is OK? You see no problem? Well then, how would you feel about someone teaching that moral to your children? If it is alright and good for marriage, go sit down with your kids and tell them. Or before the ceremony, give a little pep talk. ” Listen, if you get bored,or he is a jerk, or life stinks, or you need a way out, just go have a little fling!
This couple, the one who have not had an affair, are after one thing….book sales.
Leaving now….such an old fashion guy I know
.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say… Anyone who feels that infidelity will save a marriage has secondary motives. If the belief that pain, suffering and humiliation is good, then I don’t want any part of it. You may be able to physically withstand the breakup, but really when your older and you look at the two of you, do you really think that the love you had before is the same?
Withstanding and saving are not the same thing.
Interesting that Biderman says that divorce rates in Japan are low and infidelity is high, suicide rates are high…not that there is any connection…and of course his conclusions are based on his need for more money. If he doesnt cheat and live happy, dont believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Money talks.
All..Righty then! I have a question for this very open-minded couple: How do you know that “infidelity can save a marriage” if neither one of you has ever cheated before? I would suggest that one of them, especially, Mr. Biderman go out and cheat on his wife,let her discover his betrayal, then stand back and watch the fireworks. I can guarantee you that she would be devastated, hurt and very angry. An even better idea would be to let Mrs. Biderman have an affair with a lover she found on Mr. Biderman’s Ashley Madison website. Then we could witness some real drama we witnessed Mr. Biderman’s super-size ego, self-esteem and pride taking an earth-shatter blow. I might add that Mr. Biderman would probably never forgive Mrs. Biderman for cheating on him and maybe even falling in love with the “other man”.
I wouldn’t take an ounce of advice from these 2 fools because until an affair happens in your marriage, you have no idea how you will react. I know because I caught my ex-husband of 20 years cheating on me not just once, but 3 times! (I knew about the first 2 affairs, but I didn’t discover the 3rd affair until after we got divorced).
I believe that if either spouse is having serious problems in their marriage, then he or she owe it to their partner to discuss the problems and try to resolve them. If they can’t resolve their differences, then get a divorce so that the other spouse (and children, if any) can be spared from suffering so much heartache and pain. Bringing a 3rd party into your “marital woes” will not solve any problems, this action will only create more misery, confusion and animosity for everyone involved.