Submitted by Delaine
But as is commonly the case with thirty/forty-something female friends, it was just a matter of time until the topic of sex appeared on our dinner cards. And as is ALWAYS the case, I drove home that night feeling recharged from my friends’ company… and contemplative over two streams of discussion we’d had around sex:
1: How sex should never be about ‘performing’ to win or keep a man. As one of my newly married girlfriends explained, when she was single back in her twenties, sex was more about pleasing the men than considering what she really wanted or needed herself. Even though she was unconscious of it at the time, she used her sexuality as a way to entice men, keep men, make them love her. Sure she enjoyed sex too, but she only realized now just how insecure she once was, and how she’d used her body to represent her soul.
Was my friend’s experience exclusive to her? Not at all – all of us could relate on some level. We agreed – this was something we’d all be discussing with our own daughters one day.
My girlfriends and I also discussed how some women feel obliged to ”perform’ for their husbands in order to keep them. After all, if men aren’t getting it at home, won’t they be enticed to find it elsewhere? And what about ‘wifely duty’? Sure, we might scoff at that phrase, especially in today’s day and age. But we’ve grown up in society that fed us beliefs about what a woman should do to make her man happy. Consequently, those seemingly outdated beliefs ARE there, twisting around in the back of some women’s minds, urging them to hand over their bodies because of feelings of guilt, obligation, and fear.
2. How the more sex you have, the more you want it. Even though I’d heard this said before, I’d never really given it serious thought; I thought it sounded…too simple? But after listening to my friends Carla and Sue rant about it, I’m thinking I need to investigate!
Maybe it’s because Carla is in her early forties or maybe it’s cause she’s done having kids. But now that she’s divorced and two years into a new relationship, she’s having more sex than ever before in her life. Averaging about eight times a week, she said the more she has it, the more her body wants it – she craves, it’s a call that HAS to be answered. And when I look at the fresh youthful glow on her face (with no help from botox or laser treatments), I firmly believe it stems from her very active sex life.
Carla referred to an episode on Oprah to further exemplify what she was experiencing. She said a guest – a heavy set woman in her fifties – told her husband that for his birthday she was gifting him with sex every day for the next 365 days. The outcome – they were BOTH over the moon, and planned to continue reaping the rewards of their daily shared ‘activity’.
During my Christmas tete-a-tete with my girlfriends, our sex conversations ventured into many other areas as well. Some made us serious, some made us laugh, while others had us earnestly leaning in to hear more (grin).
But what further made me smile was the realization that the learning never stops – whether it’s around what we DON’T want (like ‘performing’ to win or keep a man) or what we DO want (lots of sex and the benefits thereof!). But a great discussion with girlfriends is a fun way to help fill in some of the gaps – and I can’t wait to hear what we’ll be talking about another ten Christmases from now!
Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com