Choices? Or Sacrifices?
November 10, 2009 by Amelia
Filed under Family, Parenting, Single Moms, delainemoore
Submitted by Delaine
Many months ago, during a deep conversation with my Good Man - a handsome, young widower who continues to restore my faith in men - we began talking about ’sacrifices’ and ‘choices.’ Or rather, I was rambling on about how I think women make sacrifices when they become wives and mothers – when he cut me off. “Do you really think of the decisions you’ve made as being sacrifices?” he asked. “Cause when I look back on the timeline of my life, I think I made choices…not sacrifices.”
His words left me feeling somewhat foolish. For he was right – the word ’sacrifice’ had an air of helplessness and regret about it. It was shrouded in a self-pitying “if only…” I thus decided to refrain from using that word again in that context.
But his past weekend, a situation with a married girlfriend had me speaking it again. As a part-time working mother of three young children, she’d been offered her ‘dream job’: we’re talking big money, challenge, clout, and recognition for all her many years of study and work. But what did she do?
She turned it down.
Her reasons were well-thought and honorable: for untimately, her children and husband would feel huge repercussions if she accepted. There’d be no more volunteering at the kids’ schools, before-school and after-school care, less family time, and over all, one heaping plate of stress on top of her children and marriage.
As my girlfriend discussed her decision with me, I admired her for them greatly; she was putting her family’s needs and wants before her own. But I could hear something in her tone – it sounded…sad. Almost resigned. And when I asked her about it, she honestly responded that as much as she ‘knew’ she was making the right decision, a part of her was grieving. “This may sound selfish,” she said. “But a part of me wonders when will it be MY time. What about MY dreams? I mean, when I got married, I knew marriage would be hard work and I’d have to give of myself and compromise to make it work. But this job was everything that I - ME, the Stella pre-marriage, had dreamed of. (sigh) And I’m letting it pass me by.”
So now I wonder: Was her decision a choice? Or a sacrifice? Perhaps a little of both? And I further wonder how many men find themselves in this position verses women; who, in such a situation, gives and/or bends? Who makes the choice to take the lesser job to be home on PD days, care for sick kids, prepare family meals, drive kids to their activities? I’m not saying this to start a gender war; men make ’sacrifices’ and ‘choices’ too. But oftentimes the nature of those sacrifices and choices, the reasons why they are made, are different.
We all know that for every big decision we make, consequences will follow. And when us women arrive at those major forks, most of us sit there weighing not only the pros and cons of a potential fatter wallet, but how it might ripple outwards into the family and possibly burden everyone else and our homes…
And so I wonder: is it not until a woman is in her sixties, seventies, or even eighties, that she finally feels peace with all her ‘choices’? Is it then that she clearly sees how all her ’choices’ aligned her towards living an honorable and meaningful life? Or is it then that a pain in her bones achingly reminds her of that which was dreamed…and sacrificed?
Delaine, www-iamdivorcednotdead.com
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Very provocative questions. I believe in the context of your story, your friend’s choices were sacrifices.
The dilemma: had she accepted the “big job,” that choice would have entailed other sacrifices, including the nature and quality of parenting she wishes to engage in, and likely, the nature of the relationship with her husband.
Women are not alone in making these choices that involve sacrifice. Men make them, too, and always have. Even looking at the family units of the 50s, 60s, and 70s, you can see where men have also sacrificed. But the composition of the canvas has traditionally been different. Many men gave up certain hobbies or possibly the job of their dreams so they wouldn’t travel as much, for example. They may opted out of a political career in order to be home for dinner at night, working instead at something less exciting or less rewarding.
The result may or may not have been more involvement with their children, but they sacrificing for the family unit.
I do know men today who, post divorce, have made considerable sacrifices to career in order to remain close geographically to their children. I have always admired that.
However, generally, I don’t think men routinely confront the choices that women do, and therefore, the sacrifices. Because we bear the children and the physical repercussions of giving birth. We typically withdraw, piece by piece, from professions or advancement in professions or even pursuing our dreams, because we put everyone else’s dreams ahead of our own – our husband’s, and certainly our children’s.
Are these “good” or “right” choices? They’re individual choices. I don’t see that the world has truly provided more capacity now than 20 years ago or 40 years ago for women to partner, parent, and pursue their goals and dreams while raising a family. Not in this country. Not with our short-term orientations, our scattered families, our selfishness.
Children don’t raise themselves. Adults must raise children with generosity and attentiveness. It is very much a full-time job, and can be split among many family members who love the children, but it is a job, and perhaps the most important one. A sacrifice that generally remains in the realm of women? Yes. Make peace with what we give up? I doubt that ever happens. But those who parent – men and women – should be proud.
And those who divorce and still parent no matter what they’re going through – men or women – are doing what I believe is the right thing for the future. And what the heart leads us to do anyway.
When I ask myself questions like the ones in this article, that’s when I wish I had a big group of older ladies around me to questions and even poll *grin. I wonder what they’d say gave their lives most meaning, which choices they made continue to make them proud and which perhaps make them long….
Yes – I think there are both choices AND sacrifices. And as my girlfriend’s situation shows, perhaps a period of mourning is required as old dreams find their resting place.
I feel the quandry too – the battle between the call to work verses parent. After eight years as a stay-at-home mom, yes, I’d love to make the next decade about pursing MY goals and dreams. But no…life isn’t about me and my dreams, and I don’t know if it’ll ever be that way again. It’s not that I resent my position cause being a mom has molded me into better person/woman and I love being a mom. But still,sometimes, when big opportuntiies come along or I feel buried in the enormity of my responsibilities, reality crunches dreams down a scale or two. And it can hurt…for awhile anyway. But I guess it’s these choices, including the small ones we make every day as parents, that mold us into who we are.
Wow…IMO, it’s all about choices…IF that is how you choose to view them. I listen all the time to parents complain…and I too do it, and I think, but it is a Choice you make to be this or that, have your way or theirs…
You have reminded me to think about how I feel when I think about the choices I have made…No regrets…
I did the same thing as your friend. I worked for a semic. chip maker. I was offered a great job with tons of free stock to move with intel before it became so ubber hot. The co did not offer my then spouse a job, he was higher up in the co and I stayed put. My intel buddies all went on to get ubber rich. 3 yrs later my marriage ended. I regret it now but back then I did not. I was trying to make the marriage work despite abuse that Iknew was bad. It went from bad to me almost being killed.
We make both in life Choice and sacrfice. Despite the love I had when I split with my stbx I knew I had a big choice to make and weighed them out. Today I just made another hard big choice for my health. 2 weeks ago I would have made the opposite choice. I am sacrifcing one thing I wanted most to a choice of my health. But I made this with consulation with legal and medical experts and not with my heart. Ok so my hear is whacky now so yes the heart made it lol.
It came down to a need and want. Sometimes you need to make big choices and i put them down to pen and paper and weigh the pros and cons. Go over them with someone else for input and go from there.
Since my mom died in 07 i try now to not say, I wish I had I could have and try not to make choices so easily. But walk away and think hard about them. Sometimes we are not given that chance and it is a crap shoot. Last week i made a choice to do an go somewhere and I thought I would regret but today I realized i did the right only possible thing I could have. Today it has worked out ok.