Needing To Date “Challenging” Men – Is This A Good Or Bad Thing?
November 5, 2009 by Amelia
Filed under Dating & Sex, From The Dating Trenches, delainemoore
Submitted by Delaine
We’ve all heard the expression being thrown around in the dating realm: “He/she needs a challenge.” Maybe it’s even something you’ve said aloud yourself. But recent conversations I’ve shared with various girlfriends has me wondering: Do we need to thoughtfully consider what this expression really means to us, especially now that we’re starting over? Does ‘needing a challenge’ look different in our relationships at different stages of our lives? And is it something we need to be cautious of?
My married and longtime girlfriend Tory threw my ponderings into motion when, as I described to her the kind of man I envision being with in future (intelligent, gentle, a wonderful step-father figure etc), she tacked on: “AND he has to be a challenge. You need that, Delaine. You need all these other qualilties too. BUT – he needs to be a challenge.”
I knew she was right in a way. But I just grinned and left it alone… until it came up in conversation with Tara and Hali, our other close girlfriends who are both divorcing. I said: “Tory is convinced that even though I SAY I want a ‘nice’ man in my life, I ultimately need to have a challenge. ”
Tara’s response surprised me. She said the expression had an underlying tone of anxiety to it. “It’s as if there’s no peace, no sense of completion,” she said. “As if the relationship should keep you on your toes and be a source of stress, of ups and downs, highs and lows. I don’t think it’s a positive way to phrase what you ultimately need. ”
My best friend Hali’s take on it was even more poignant. “We tend to attract the same kind of men into lives over and over again, but to different degrees. You’ve been attracted to men who were hurt, broken and liars, so chances are, some part of you will unconsciously continue to mix that into ‘the challenge’ thing – hopefully on a lesser scale, of course.”
Both of my girlfriends’ spin on this expression made me re-examine what it meant to me. Sure, when I was younger, I liked ‘the challenge’ because I was immature and enjoyed the thrill of the chase. And yes, I often (unconsciously) went after ‘Bad Boys’ hoping to win them, capture them, maybe even change them (usually to end up rejected and dejected). So I wondered: Am I pursuing the same futile dynamic again today by saying I want a challenge?
I phoned Tory back – I needed clarification. She laughed, “Oh Delaine, I didn’t mean it in a bad way. I just meant that you are a highly intelligent person in terms of how you think and process things. And you need a man who can meet you on that same mental/spiritual level . If you DON’T attract a man like this, you’ll end up MANAGING a broken man in another broken relationship instead of being with someone who challenges you to reach your potential and become a better person. ‘Challenge’ can be meant in a positive way.”
So who’s take on ‘needing a challenge’ do I think is most suitable to me? Well…all of them really; none is absolute. But all this has reminded me just how important languaging is to us – how we can all think we’re talking about and feeling the same thing, when we aren’t – we’re actually responding to a rich internal world inside our head that has been framed by our past experiences and beliefs. And I admit - up till now, when I’ve used the expression “I want a challenge”, the visual/feeling I got was similar to that of my younger days. And to me that means one of two things: Either I need to change that visual and the feelings it invokes or…. I need to a new expression.
Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com
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When I first starting reading this article, I interpreted “needing a challenge” as needing a man of equal intellectual sparkle and emotional strength. In other words, an equal.
We may term a man like this “a challenge,” but I think it is clearer to use language that is more precise, e.g. a man who is my intellectual equal, who enjoys the same sort of wordplay and humor, and who is strong enough to voice his opinions, even when they differ from mine.
That’s a very different scenario from a man who needs to be “chased.” And as a woman, who needs a man who needs to be chased? At any age or stage?
This is an interesting thought. I am trying to sustain a very challenging relationship with a divorced woman, who has kids and an extremely abusive ex husband who lives around the block from her. The challenge in our relationship derives from him mentally abusing his “ex-family” everytime I am around.
As we are in a dry spot…I am looking for someone to hang out with who is NO CHALLENGE. Just someone to be a pal, someone to chill with.
Reading the article…it is apprerent to me also that the term challenge means different things to me at different stages of my divorce process.
Thanks for helping me pick my brain a little!
Brandon Neal
http://www.a-second-try.blogspot.com
i think it’s high time I (and many other women) set our standards a bit higher. Having a man make himself “better” to “earn” me implies i’m WONDERFUL!…which i am..haha…but it also assumes i have nothing to work toward myself. Maybe being challenged would be more positive if i was being challenged to be better to earn someone better too.
i have always wanted the nice guys. I had standards but then i felt i i had made them to hight and lowered them. I have always long thought that when it works it works and things should be so hard if it was chemistry and all that.
I know relationships need to be worked on but it it takes to much work from either than maybe it is the wrong two people. A good thing should be when two people get to know each others nuuances and sometimes, not always can anticipate the others needs. Good things are in tune with each other.
want to add some people end up giving to much to make the thing work and the other person often takes advantage of it. That seems to the story of m y life.
It’s funny because I was recently considering this very question, as I’m on the cusp of a new relationship and I want to make sure this person will challenge me (in a good way) and hold my attention. (And vice versa–I like to think I challenge the other person and help them stretch their boundaries and comfort zone.) Anyway… you can definitely put either a positive or negative spin on it. My kneejerk reaction is to think of it negatively… I tend to think of a “challenge” as a guy with a lot of problems, where I somehow end up becoming his therapist. But then I talked myself through it, and realized that like the adage, I consider myself like an onion–lots of layers. I want someone who, even if they don’t connect with all the different layers, at least appreciates the depth and will let me express the different parts of myself. I guess I’m attracted to people who are complicated. All in all, I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
I like complicated men too Dana, so I’m with you there! But again, next time round, I’d like my relationship to be about intellectually and spiritually growing, verses it being a case of me ‘managing’ a relationship permeated with wounds.
When I think of ‘challenging mem’, immediately I get an image of an aloof young man in leather (super cute though) who’s acting up or seemingly ‘removed’ from the crowd. And why does he come across this way? (I’d never asked myself that question before) Cause he’s hurt or broken in some way. I had this same image of a challenging man back when I was in my twenties. And yeah – look where it lead me:) I finally ‘get’ that it is NOT my goal or destiny to ‘fix’ any man anymore! Definitely time for a new image (maybe a man’s head in the shape of an onion? *grin) , or a new expression.