With Time and Distance Comes a Calm Heart

Submitted by: Maya

I caught a glimpse of the ex the other day. We had to be in the same place and cordially stayed on opposite sides of the room. He always keeps his back to me when we are in these situations but I always sit facing him, daring him to look into my eyes.

I feel nothing for him ~ towards him ~ about him. I just want to be able to look into his face and let him know that I’m okay with all of this. Words are not important to me in this case, just something to finish it with some level of dignity.

I understand that this seems crazy but this has been important to me for a long time. HE left me. He left our kids and didn’t look back. He took off with a ‘friend’ and treated us with scorn, derision, loathing. He made me battle with him for Child Support and I always won in the end. I learned patience and tolerance and how to turn the other cheek. I grew strong and unbreakable but I never became brittle or embittered.

I see things differently I suppose. I look back at this as the best growth spurt of my life, one that I was forced to do alone (I had no family around me). I had to stand tall and be the best role model that my children could follow.

But my bottom line is that I am so thankful. Thankful to Denise for taking an abusive partner off of my hands. Thankful to the judges that gave me my 60% and custody of the children. Thankful to my friends who walked beside me in the darkest of days. Thankful to him for donating his sperm for these beautiful young adults. Thankful that they have inherited his perfectionism and his determination.

I am thankful because without having him in my life to rock it and roll it and try to bury me, I would never have known how amazing I am.

So when I saw him the other day ~ and I saw how ravaged his face had become, I almost wanted to touch it. Not because I love him but because I LOVED him. I wanted to go to him, to smile at him and to cross those angry days off of my life’s calendar. I want him to have a good life ~ to be good to our children and to stop loathing the girl that he never quite knew. I want the anger to be over.

My heart is calm, I am replete…

Namaste, Maya

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