To Change Or Not To Change…The LOCKS
February 2, 2010 by Amelia
Filed under Coping, Family, Important Steps, The Ex, delainemoore
Submitted by Delaine
Two months into his divorce, Mike returned home early from work one afternoon to a big surprise: his ex-wife had let herself in and was standing in his living room. “I needed to come by and pick up a few things,” she said casually. “I tried calling you earlier. Didn’t you get my message? I didn’t think you’d mind…”
But he did. In fact, the feelings of being ‘intruding upon’ surprised him. What if he’d been with another woman? What if, what if, what if? But it was more than that… it was about respecting that his was now HIS house, not theirs. Still, he ended up saying nothing. After all, their divorce was proceeding amicably – they were still ‘friends.’ He didn’t want to cause an upset, especially so early into their separation…
Mike’s scenario brings up an important, yet oftentimes ‘uncomfortable’ question for those going through a divorce: When/should the owner of the matrimonial home get the locks changed? Like Mike, you may have a variety of mixed feelings/reasons holding you back from doing so; i.e., fear of hurting the ex’s feelings, fear of his/her reaction, guilt, great hope that it’s unnecessary, trust in your soon-to-be-ex…
But take Deana’s case as another example. Despite girlfriends’ insistence she get the locks changed, she kept brushing it off. She thought her doing seemed mean; that it was a sign of ill-will towards her ex. Six months into her divorce, after she and her ex had their first ‘bicker’, she went into her garage only to discover he’d hauled away all the camping gear as well as a bunch of her gardening tools and sporting equipment. “I had to learn the hard way,” she sighed. “I never thought he’d steal from me and the kids.”
In Deborah’s case, her ex’s behavior was creepy and caniving. Like Mike and Deana, she wanted nothing more than to have an amicable divorce and felt a lock change totally unnecessary. But around the one year mark, when things turned sour over finances, she discovered her trust had been sorely misplaced. “Go look for the hole drilled into the filing cabinet in your office,” he ex emailed her. “I taped your telephone conversations. You’ve had quite the dating life…”
My advice to you is to put a lock change at the top of your to-do list after you separate. I KNOW it may feel mean or uncomfortable or unnecessary at first. But the reality is that at some point during your divorce, you and ex are NOT going to like each other very much; probably MANY times actually. And there is ‘business’ that needs to be tending to during divorce: changing the locks are but one thing on that list.
Do NOT put your head in the sand and hope for the best. NO ONE likes to think that their divorce will turn nasty or that their ex would ever stoop to any lows. But think of it this way: you thought you’d beat the odds and stay married too, right?
Delaine – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com
Other Articles:
Cheating Scum in the Public Swimming Pool
Turning An Unwanted Divorce Into Opportunity
Having been a receiving end of changed locks. (it happened the day I left, by the new boyfriend) I can say, it really helps with the separation. And makes it easier to sever those ties. There is nothing wrong in doing so, and it makes it clear to all people involved.
It’s over. You don’t have free reign, and doing so will violate a law or two.
Even if things aren’t bad, it’s just a good idea. It gives you that symbolic effort that are moving on.
WEll said Travis. Cause there’re definitely many small doors that need to close during the process that, when added up, help severe the attachment. When it’s done it’s done…so why drag anything out?
Well..I have to say that is great advice. My ex is just to much of a wimp to do anything….that I know for sure.
I thought about getting the locks changed. But my children have keys to the front door, and I think they would let their father use them if he asked. Or possibly, he wouldn’t even need to ask. He could just take them and get them copied while the children are staying at his place, if he felt like it. So I think changing the locks would actually be pointless.
Changing the locks is sometimes a good idea, because you are right… at some point, usually when the property/money negotiations are going on, things can get dicey. However, in my state, the marital home is the marital home, and both parties have a right to access to the home unless there’s a court order saying otherwise. As a family law attorney, I tell my clients they can change the locks, but their spouse can also break a window to get in if they want to and not get in any trouble…. again, because it’s the marital home. I assume this is true in most states. just wanted to make sure your readers were aware of this. The best thing to do is to get an agreement that whoever is in the house has “exclusive possession” and the other person will not come onto the property without invitation or permission… nice to be respectful that way!