Jon and Kate Gosselin officially divorced Friday after 10 years of marriage, eight children and a year of tabloid headlines. Kate Gosselin gets the family home in eastern Pennsylvania in the no- fault divorce agreement, according to her lawyer, Mark Mo…

I, like you, would love to hear a man’s thoughts on what this is all about. Could any man who has been caught up in something like this please explain his thought processes?

“Do men ever feel guilty for treating someone else inhuman? I am having a hard time coping with “doesn’t he have any feelings”? Does he get what he has done? The damage? All I get from him is :
COLD
Your not going to get any discussion or explaination
He wants a divorce, but does nothing regarding the process.
He left and I have to do absolutely everything. How does he get away with that?”

“He has been such a sensitive man in our marriage. This is like some alien took over his mind and body. Does another woman do this? How does he change his core values and soul and integrity over some old high school flame?”

“This is so out of character for him to do this. It is like he is chasing some immature fantasy. All of a sudden. Are men that stupid? I mean really?
He had everything. Our marriage would not take that much to be saved. If he was willing. Some open communication and some extra romance. That’s not hard to accomplish. If you care about that person. He refuses counseling.
I’m just supposed to take it.”

On the soul mate thing…guess how long my husband spent with his “soul mate” after he finally flew hundreds of miles to meet her? In his mind, they were going to spend the rest of their lives together. It lasted three days, in a hotel room. They had sex and got acquanted for three days, and then when it wasn’t everything he thought it would be, dumped her and never spoke of her or to her again. Some “soul mate.”

Mary, I doubt he had a secret life. His actions toward you were sincere and there was probably no distance until this other woman entered the picture. How did they start communicating again? Did she seek him out or was she the one who contacted him first?

“Doesn’t a man ever have a conscience?”

Not when he is in the throws of lust. If this other woman knows how to play the game then I imagine every ounce of energy he has is spent on her. He has been reeled in…hook, line and sinker. Sad thing is, he will one day realize he was played. What he does with the regret when he realizes this will indicate what kind of man he really is.

They fall for all the crap, their egos are stroked and they feel like “cock of the walk” again and at midlife nothing is more attractive to some men.

Here is some insight for you.

1. A man who wants a divorce does what needs to be done to get that divorce.

2. A man who will not discuss the problem is a man so riddle with guilt that he can not face you.

3. The fact that you have to do absolutely everything is a sign that he is still attached to you. He would not leave you to do anything regarding him, his belongings or his life if he had cut all emotional ties with you.

As for the friends…they are not stupid. They were exposed to your marriage and relationship. Friends know when their friends are growing apart. If you talk to your friends and tell them the truth do so without showing anger with him. It sounds like your husband is confused and on the fence. Don’t do anything that will give him “proof” that he is right to be doing what he is doing.

Is this woman for real? Probably not, only time will tell. I think your husband may be a nice guy who has lost his way. I’m going to suggest a site for you that may be helpful. Check out Divorce Busting. Specifically look for the midlife crisis forum on the main forum. You will get a lot of guidance from people who are going through what you are going through.

I am having a hard time understanding his leaving me (our marriage was very stable). I had no idea he was unhappy. I would ask him about us and he would tell me I was crazy. I had nothing to worry about. He never opened up that he was distancing himself from the marriage. I was totally stunned because he would constantly tell me and show me that he loved me and that we were fine.

Evidently– he had a secret life. A spark was re-ignited with someone who he hasn’t really been around in about 27 years.

I mean– we have more history together and memories than they do. It’s as if the last 19 years never happened. Doesn’t a man ever have a conscience? He wouldn’t appreciate the same loss if I had done this to him.

I am having a real hard time understanding… DO MEN EVER THINK? Do they really fall for all the fake crap a new woman dishes out? Are Men’s ego’s so small that one day they tell you how much they love you and all the romance and the next day — they are out the door?

I didn’t marry a player. He never looked at other women. He always said good things about me to our friends and didn’t not indicate he was miserable.
Boy– Did he play the part of a loving husband.

I don’t grasp why he would throw away everything we built together. He lost everything and took me down with him. He had a great job with great benefits. Lost it due to his change in behavior. Now we have no income, no medical benefits. I am going to be forced to sell our home because of his bad behavior. The legal system doesn’t care

I put in 19 years together. Moved everywhere and we built on his career. I worked until 10 years ago. He constantly told me not to go back to work. We were fine financially. Now everything is lost because of him. I was totally blind-sided. There were no signs he was doing this behind my back. He was hiding it from me at his office where I could not detect any signs. This truly wasn’t the type of man who would do this.

I have to start over at midlife. Go back to college etc. Find someplace to live. Do men ever feel guilty for treating someone else inhuman? I am having a hard time coping with “doesn’t he have any feelings”? Does he get what he has done? The damage? All I get from him is :

COLD
Your not going to get any discussion or explaination
He wants a divorce, but does nothing regarding the process.
He left and I have to do absolutely everything. How does he get away with that?

His things are still here. He needs to come and get them. He doesn’t.

He has been such a sensitive man in our marriage. This is like some alien took over his mind and body. Does another woman do this? How does he change his core values and soul and integrity over some old high school flame?

What does she have that he didn’t already have? If he can’t communicate how he feels with me(he used to) then is she going to be the answer to his prayers?

This is so out of character for him to do this. It is like he is chasing some immature fantasy. All of a sudden. Are men that stupid? I mean really?
He had everything. Our marriage would not take that much to be saved. If he was willing. Some open communication and some extra romance. That’s not hard to accomplish. If you care about that person. He refuses counseling.
I’m just supposed to take it.

The most hurtful thing he is doing to me is telling all of our friends that we grew apart. He isn’t disclosing the truth. That he betrayed me. All of the friends will believe his story. It’s his way of covering up what actually happened. I will lose all of these friends because he is telling them lies and because they became my friends when I married him. So, they will stay in touch with him. They will never know the truth.

Any suggestions on how to handle letting the truth out to those friends. More than any settlement… I want the people closest to us to know the truth. He isn’t the nice guy they picture him to be. He treated me with total disrespect and cruelty. He is giving our friends the idea that we weren’t getting along. That’s not true. He left. He chose to have an affair. He chose to go and live with other woman and told me I get no choice other than a divorce without us having any discussion about our marriage.

Another question… I think he feels the old girlfriend from high school is “his soul mate”. Is this for real? I think this is so delusional.
Won’t he wake up one day and say “I messed up”. This isn’t what I thought it would be. I mean come on. How real is this new woman?

I wish I could get a man’s view on this.

Seriously? I don’t think so. Maybe from the moment you find out he has cheated but not from the get-go.

The idea behind marriage is to build a relationship, not break it down. How can any marriage survive when a spouse is constantly looking for evidence of cheating?

Marriage is about trust and working together for a common goal. It isn’t about making sure the other guy isn’t out to get you. If what you suggest is a “shared” life does the spouse who is constantly checking receipts and credit card statements inform the other spouse what they are doing? Is that lack of trust in the spouse “shared” and if so how will it impact the marriage and the spouse being monitored?

There are ways a woman can protect herself against the harm a cheating husband can do without bringing mistrust into the marriage from the very beginning.

Maintaining a career and financial independence is one way. That way you have faith in not only your spouse, but in yourself to carry on if he should cheat and the marriage end.

With the divorce rate none of us can enter into marriage and be 100% sure it will last. We can begin a marriage vowing to do 100% of what we need to do to give a marriage the opportunity to be what both spouses need it to be.

It is like Travis said, marriage has to be supported and promoted and to do that there has to be trust and openness. Not suspision and doubt.

And, openness by it’s nature is sharing.

And, I was responding to what seemed to be as a critical response to the “protectiveness” of marriage, by you saying words that by their nature, are not open.

A open marriage, is about love, kindness and respect. and sharing becomes a byproduct of these acts. And those are the foundations of a happy and successful marriage.

And doing things that have a inherent hint of always looking over your shoulder, by tracking every receipt is paranoia and your list promotes that paranoia as a safe measure to protect the marriage. By preparing yourself for cheating, and by doing all the active words you described, is not the way to be married. This will lead to miss-trust, and paranoia. The only safe measure for marriage, is trust openly. And my definition of trust, is that you don’t do it blindly. But trust is the result of sharing in the questions and coming to the same answer. And being open, is always communicating and not just showing by words, but by actions.

And your comment was a list of things to look for, to weed out a cheating heart. You know how you weed out a cheating heart? You actually look at what he or her does with their time, you look at how they respond to people around them in that time. You look at how they demonstrate their love for you. All of these will expose underling problems. And they should all be done during the dating process and continually done throughout the marriage.

As questions get answered and the two of you are communicating, you don’t have to focus on those sensitive areas as much, because trust will grow.

By promoting and supporting a happy loving marriage, which promotes trust and openness, is being more responsive.

What a heartbreaking way to live. I won’t do it. I can not live a life where I suspect that your evil first, and always watching over my shoulder.

To be truly secure you live a open life, one that has no hidden closets.

And paranoia is a good sign of someone who has taken “security” too far…