Hello God? It’s Me, Delaine. Can You PLEASE Somehow End This Date?
March 4, 2010 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under Dating & Sex, More Topics, NoMore
Submitted by Delaine
His comments caught me totally off guard:
We were out on our second date – me and this handsome, charming, 42-year-old divorced businessman. The Indian food we’d eaten was excellent, as was the conversation we’d shared: satisfying…delicious…with just enough ‘spice.’ And as we sat there finishing up the last drops of our red wine, I couldn’t help but think, “DAAhmn – I really like this guy!”
But then the topics of marriage and divorce came up.
First I got the LENGTHY low-down around how he and his ex had battled for years over money only to have her ‘rob him blind.’ Seeing how upset he’d become, I tried to lighten things up with: “Well, thank goodness you two didn’t have kids, right?”
But ‘my bad’ – he didn’t have children, but his divorcing friend Bob DID. And off he went, describing in excruciating detail how royally financially screwed over Bob was getting. And oh my – sounded like castration would have been easier for poor Bob.
And then – oh yes, my friend, there was more - THEN there was his divorced friend Allan whose wife got the matrimonial home, their holiday house in Hawaii AND enough spousal to have her “set up for life.” Spit, scowl, grrr – I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into my chair…
Alas, the time for his ‘Grand Conclusion’ finally arrived. He said, “Me and my buddies all agree that marriage isn’t worth it. You work your whole life, you bust your balls to become successful… Then WHAM! Half of it is gone and you’re out on your ass going, ‘What the hell happened?’ We all agree, no woman is worth losing it all for, even if it’s the best sex you’ve ever had. Unless, of course, she’s signs a heavy duty PRENUPT.”
And then he laughed…he laughed and laughed and laughed with his head tossed back and his stomach bouncing. I smiled along politely, wondering what exactly he was laughing at: Was it his prenuptual ‘joke’? Was it he and his friends’ ‘stupidity’ for having married? Or was he laughing at women, myself included?
Suddenly, I felt so belittled and degraded by him and his pack of ‘divorcing friends’ that I wanted to high-tail it out of there. Why was he even out with me if he thought so little of women and relationships?
Finally I was alone in my car driving home, thankful and relieved to escape his company. I sure won’t see HIM again! I thought.
And as if on cue, my cell bleeped. “Thanks for the wonderful dinner beautiful,” he wrote. “Let’s do it again this weekend.”
And I laughed.
Delaine www.iamdivorcednotdead.com
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Quick, run, hide! I don’t know how you even made it through the night! I’d have gone to the ladies’ room and never come back!
I have a feeling that he would feel “robbed blind” if all she got was a few bucks. I mean, how does a man with no children to pay child support to get “robbed?” It just doesn’t work that way. Not unless his wife was disabled, had no marketable skills and he left her for another woman.
Of course in his eyes and his friends they should be able to leave, take the money and suffer no financial consequence.
I like reading that guys like this and all his friends are off marriage. Who the heck wants to end up with someone with that attitude? And could that attitude be the reason he is no longer married?
Oh girl, that is TOO much. Yeah, run far, far away!
It’s scary what can be brewing beneath of the surface of divorced people who are back out dating again. I remember dating a man who had recently separated who, when he talked about his ex, looked like he had acid in his mouth. Talk about a look of disgust. He couldn’t hide it if he tried. Needless to say, I never saw him again either.
I don’t know how long ago this you guy dated has been separated for, but it sounds like it’s been awhile. That’s sad. Cause in being careful, he misses out on potentially finding another shot at love and happiness.
But that’s his to figure out. Thank goodness he showed his true colors to you right away. NEXT!
I’ve been out with men like this but the most disturbing to me was a guy I went out who had no anger.
His wife had left him for another man, she had ruined his credit before leaving, managed to get the marital home in the divorce and was living in the home with her new man.
This guy had no ill will toward her. He would talk about how deeply she had hurt him and then talk about wishing them both the best. I’m sorry but, no anger can be as dangerous as too much anger.
Delaine, what an idiot. Here is my suggestion. Agree to go out on another date. Have him pick you up. Also secure the help of a friend to make a phone call.
Dress very very sexy, low cut, revealing. Have him take you to a really expensive restaurant, bottles of wine. dessert. Play the interested , ” I want you, and will have you later flirt”. When he touches any part of you or tries to kiss you, just say that is for my Mr. Later, and wink. After a few times he will think he just has another woman willing to have sex with him.
Your guy friend will then call your cell phone and you answer “I can’t wait”. Get up from your chair, casually mention, “I’m sorry, dinner was great, but my Mr. Later is here to pick me up”!
That should also have him on his ass going, ‘What the hell happened?
K Barry – you have a deliciously evil mind! Ouch! I don’t remember ever seeing that kind of counsel at your site, http://www.singledadlife.com. *grin
Ladies, make sure you’ve read his response – maybe we should take some notes.
I guess this date was a crash course in conversation-etiquette-post-divorce. I’m sure no man would want to hear ME go on venomously about my ex or past conversations with my girlfriends, so the same applies to men.
I felt like I was under attack and had I had less manners, I WOULD have make an escape by excusing myself to the bathroom and never coming back.
Barb, you asked how long he’d been divorced. He said it had been FIVE years! Scary eh? You’da thought three months for the absoulte disgust in his voice/face. Don’t get me wrong – I too went through an ‘angry phase’ so I understand it’s role in healing, but I’ve moved on and finally feel ready for a relationship (though I’m being very cautious). I think the best gift we can give our divorced friends if they’re still like that five years in is a giant kick in the butt to get UNSTUCK!
Well…koodos to him for revieling his true self to you early! Too bad you didn’t have a funny come back about how your girlfriends are done with “taking care” of men for the rest of their lives…
Oh well…concider yourself lucky!
“We all agree, no woman is worth losing it all for, even if it’s the best sex you’ve ever had. Unless, of course, she’s signs a heavy duty PRENUPT.”
nice… way to tell someone they aren’t worth it, unless he can protect his financial “status”. I’m sure he did his best to make sure he didn’t emotionally rob her blind… bleh.
First and foremost. Women will always be worth it. And I’m sure she felt “robbed blind” from his “ability” to love her.
He equated marriage to money and sex… no wonder all of these guys are divorced or getting divorced. They all valued the wrong things. And the women are hurting them in the only way they know know how. In the things they valued. Which how I see it, is if she invested so much time, effort and compassion for this heartless jerk in the goals that “only he valued”, then these men can give up part of this “value” that they worked for.
All he had to do was work for his family, and he wouldn’t be feeling this way.
hi- I’m not divorced but the thought has crossed my mind as much as it might to any sane woman frustrated in the heat of the moment by her marriage. Not to sound amateur, but the issues that you seem to be fixating on don’t seem to be worthy of solving. Acceptance of where people are at is part of growing up. Even though the pope values life by espousing to a set of life lessons, he is yet still a sinner. I’m not trying to preach Christian anti-divorce messages as much as I am trying to say that searching for perfection is futile. If you are looking for one perfect night or the kind of guy or girl who is willing to subscribe to the same coded dogma that you identify with as divorcees then great! I just think that you get out of life what you put in. If you’re commitment to relationships with others is based upon such rigid rules of engagement, you are not going to get as much out of it as those who are in relationships where struggle is hardwired in order to arrive upon blissful periods of attainment….. no pain, no gain as the old adage goes. You have to work at it. People say painful things when they are hurt. Just mouthing the words of the “right thing” can actually play havoc on the emotional health of individuals. However, saying hurt words shouldn’t mean that forgiveness isn’t possible and that you can learn to show empathy and understanding towards others in their moments of weakness. Destructive patterns, I realize, aren’t worth pursuing when dedication to working it out doesn’t materialize. However, the discussion I’m reading here rings hollow for me and my relationship isn’t perfect…. believe you me. You may find sex with this kind of attitude, though I highly doubt you will find any lasting love with this mentality.