Parental Alienation: “A Uterus, Divorce Papers and Bruises”
March 10, 2010 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under cathymeyer, Children & Divorce, Editor's Picks, Grief & Anger, Legal Issues, Parenting, Single Dads, Single Moms
Submited by: Cathy
Father’s right activists have been attempting to have Parental Alienation Disorder added to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM V), the American Psychiatric Association’s “bible” of diagnoses.
The National Organization for Women learned about the effort and is concerned. They have now sent out an Action Alert to counter the campaign. According to NOW’s Tracy Simmons:
I am writing you, the leaders of various groups that represent battered women, for your help in one of the most important matters we will address this year. The American Psychiatric Association is considering adding Parental Alienation to the Diagnosticians book, which would legitimize this legal tactic into a real disorder.
Parental Alienation Syndrome has now morphed into Parental Alienation Disorder thanks to the fathers’ rights organizations who are wildly pushing this through, and why wouldn’t they? It benefits the abuser and discriminates against the victims of abuse, which are overwhelmingly women.
This gender specific, abuse excuse, junk science can not be allowed to enter into the scientific community as there is nothing scientific about a syndrome/disorder whose only symptoms are a uterus, divorce papers, and bruises. I ask that you all to take action against legitimizing this outrageous theory by e-mailing the APA and asking your groups to do the same.
Although I doubt Tracy cares, I’ve a response to her concerns.
1. Why the hell does now push the agenda that most divorced women are victims of domestic abuse? NOW is an organization that I thought promoted independence and equal rights. How can any woman feel independent and equal to a man if she is taught to be the victim and that is what NOW does, they encourage women to become victims.
Some insights for Tracy on divorce. Most divorces are filed by women. Not because those women were victims of domestic abuse but because those women want out of unhappy marriages. Yep, some were victims, some were cheated on most though, they are quitters who have a romanticized idea of what marriage is. They are off out there looking for the “night in shining armor” and while doing so feel they have ownership over their children.
2. Most men who are victims of Parental Alienation are not abusers. They are fathers, good fathers who are dealing with women who use their children as a negotiating tool. They are fathers, faced with the up hill battle of trying to convince some family court judge that they, as a parent have as much right to parent as the mother of their children.
NOW has fought hard for the rights of abused women why not take your head out of your butt and take a look around at reality. Parental Alienation is a form of abuse and women are more likely to attempt to alienate a child from the father than fathers are from the mother. In this case, NOW isn’t speaking out for the victim, instead they are working to protect the abuser. You want to stop the discrimination against the abused, get behind this attempt to have Parental Alienation defined as a disorder in the DSM-V.
3. Only someone who has never been a victim of Parental Alienation would refer to it as “junk science.” Although most perpetrators of Parental Alienation are women, some men are also guilty of attempting to alienate a child from a parent.
Take my ex for example. His children are objects to him; objects he wants nothing to do with unless he feels he has full ownership of said object. My son spent 10 months in his custody. During those 10 months, my ex defied the court order pertaining to communication and visitation.
He had my son’s cell phone turned off and purchased a new phone with a new number. A number he refused to give to me. My son was told he was to NEVER answer the home phone. Guess who had no way of communicating weekly with her son, even though the court order gave me that privilege.
My ex was court ordered to share with me all medical information. He refused, going as far as not contacting me when my son spent a week in the hospital. Something I knew nothing about until after the fact and then he did everything in his power to keep me from getting medical records from the doctors who cared for my son.
NOW has a skewed view of divorce and what takes place before, during and after a divorce. They also have a skewed view of what equality actually is. Equality is about ALL PEOPLE being treated equally…especially the children.
When it comes to Parental Alienation the focus should not be on the abuser
or the victim, it should be on the children who have the right to equal time with both Mom and Dad. That won’t happen until Parental Alienation is viewed by the Family Court System as a recognized psychiatric disorder.
And believe it or not that happening has nothing to do with whether or not you have a uterus or have been a victim of domestic abuse. Most mothers put their children’s needs first. Most fathers do the same. Those who are victims of the mother and father who doesn’t, need to be armed with ammunition to fight back. Thanks to these Father’s Rights groups hopefully we will soon have that ammunition.
If you are interested in support the effort to have Parental Alienation defined as a disorder click here.
Oh boy, you really don’t know what you are talking about.
Parental Alienation Syndrome is not recognized by the American Medical Association nor the American Psychological Association, with the latter noting there is no evidence of it in the scientific literature, and noted it was used for custody battles.
Parental Alienation Syndrome has been debunked by the American Judge’s Association, the National District Attorney’s Association, and the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, with the latter warning judges NOT to ACCEPT claims of “parental alienation syndrome” or “parental alienation” in court cases because of it’s known use by abusers to get custody of children from their victims:
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2009: A Judicial Guide to Child Safety in Custody Cases
National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges Family Violence Department
Page 12:
C. [§3.3] A Word of Caution about Parental Alienation34
Under relevant evidentiary standards, the court should not accept testimony regarding parental alienation syndrome, or “PAS.” The theory positing the existence of PAS has been discredited by the scientific community.35 In Kumho Tire v. Carmichael, 526 U.S. 137 (1999), the Supreme Court ruled that even expert testimony based in the “soft sciences” must meet the standard set in the Daubert case.36 Daubert, in which the court re-examined the standard it had earlier articulated in the Frye37 case, requires application of a multi-factor test, including peer review, publication, testability, rate of error, and general acceptance. PAS does not pass this test. Any testimony that a party to a custody case suffers from the syndrome or “parental alienation” should therefore be ruled inadmissible and stricken from the evaluation report under both the standard established in Daubert and the earlier Frye standard.38
The discredited “diagnosis” of PAS (or an allegation of “parental alienation”), quite apart from its scientific invalidity, inappropriately asks the court to assume that the child’s behaviors and attitudes toward the parent who claims to be “alienated” have no grounding in reality. It also diverts attention away from the behaviors of the abusive parent, who may have directly influenced the child’s responses by acting in violent, disrespectful, intimidating, humiliating, or discrediting ways toward the child or the other parent. The task for the court is to distinguish between situations in which the child is critical of one parent because they have been inappropriately manipulated by the other (taking care not to rely solely on subtle indications) , and situations in which the child has his or her own legitimate grounds for criticism or fear of a parent, which will likely be the case when that parent has perpetrated domestic violence. Those grounds do not become less legitimate because the abused parent shares them, and seeks to advocate for the child by voicing his or her concerns.
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Lastly, Tracy Simmons is not from NOW National, she was speaking to the issue from the New York NOW chapter. Look at her original press release. Anyone with an 8th grade education should be able to make out it is from the New York State chapter, not National.
Please get your facts straight, because children’s lives depend on it. It is very irresponsible to parrot an article that father’s rights websites have been posting about, also getting it wrong. Thanks.
One more thing dear: children should not be split up as a commodity. They are not, they are little humans, with feelings. If dad took care of them more, dad should have them more after the divorce. If mom took care of them more, the routine should continue and they need to be with mom more. THAT my dear is true equality, what the child is used to. And thoughout the childhood, this may change somewhat, but not drastically. No parent should be cut out of a child’s life, but abuse trumps this. Many children see their mothers beaten…Patrick Stewart just did a video for Amnesty International on this. Children don’t want to be with a parent that is violent, or even worse, raping them. But when an abuser gets to court, all they need to utter is those words “parental alienation” and they will get custody. And that is when the children start getting drugged, to make them comply with the continued rape or abuse, because nobody will listen to them. I know some chilcren personally in this situation. One is with her mother’s abuser (her father) because he claimed PAS, he made the mother 100% diabled from the beatings and rapes (now we taxpayers take care of her). Her father keeps the daughter in compliance by having a child’s coffin and a gun in the living room as a threat to her and her mother.
Not all mothers are good, nor all father bad, but PAS is a tool that abusers use to get custody, and this is well know by the professionals, no matter how much the father’s rights groups whine about it. Do parents behave badly in a divorce? Sure they do sometimes, but it doesn’t make it a mental syndrome for Whores of the Court (psychologists/counselors) to sell their expert testimony services to the richest parent.
“But when an abuser gets to court, all they need to utter is those words “parental alienation” and they will get custody.”
Wait a minute Nancy, you are contradicting yourself. If PAS has been debunked by the American Judge’s Association, the National District Attorney’s Association, and the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges how is it that all an abuser has to do is show up in court and utter the words to gain custody?
Which is it…judges are more likely to give custody based on a PAS argument or they are less likely? I think you are the one who doesn’t know what she is talking about. If it was as easy as “uttering” the words no one would be champoning this cause at all, there would be no need.
As for children and where they live after divorce…things change after divorce. When a family is intact and mom stays home with the kids and dad goes out to work it makes sense that the kids are with mom more often. That doesn’t mean that mom loves her child any more than dad or wants to be with her child more than dad.
Dads go to work so moms who stay home can stay home. Once that mom wants a divorce there are realities that have to be faced. For one, she will no longer be a stay at home mom. She will be out working, not staying home all day taking care of her children. Like Dad she will finally be spending less time with her children in order to provide for her children.
How does the fact that she spent more time with her children trump their or their fathers right to spent equal time together after the divorce? They aren’t commodities, you are right. They are little humans who love mom and dad equally and although mom may think she has a right to more time just because she has spent more time means nothing. It has nothing to do with TIME. It has to do with parenting and believe it or not fathers are just as important as mothers and if mothers choose to divorce they need to live with the reality that the less time their children have with their father the more negative consequences they will suffer due to the divorce.
Now to address your abuse argument. It is tiresome. Why should all fathers or mothers be penalized just because a few fathers and mothers are abusers? Why is it that some women can only defend their position by pulling out the abuse card?
Domestic abuse is horrible. I’ve been involved with the family court system as a legal investigator and in the past as a state certified mediator. I’ve been around the system long enough to know that the percentage of judges who allow abusive parents anything but supervised visitation is small, very small.
They way you talk, you would think all judges allow all abusive fathers access to their children. It is an irrational argument.
The facts of what happen in custody cases keeps your argument of abusive fathers getting control of children from holding water.
As for the woman whose ex keeps a child’s coffin and gun as a means of threatening the child, it is time she take him back to court. Or, better yet, maybe you could call child protective services and they could pay him a surprise visit. The moment they see that coffin and gun in the living room that child will be out of there.
I know that is what I would do if I had evidence of such horrendous child abuse taking place. You see, you get more done if you respond to abuse with something other than jumping up and down and pointing fingers and using it as an argument for not giving loving fathers the equal right to parent their children.
My facts are straight Nancy. Maybe you should get your head out of the clouds and take a good look around you at what is really going on.
The judges associations warn against it, but there are many biased judges out there that give children to abusers, and these organizations are trying to educate them.
I just saw your profile, and saw you too are an “expert” so now I see where you are coming from. You make money at it too.
Well, this is from the American Psychological Association, from their Presidential Task Force report on Violence in the Family:
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This is from the Presidential Task Force report produced by the American Psychological Association, where it is cited father’s who batter frequently file for sole custody and often get it.
Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force On Violence And The Family
ISSUES AND DILEMMAS IN FAMILY VIOLENCE
Issue #5: WHEN PARENTS SEPARATE AFTER AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, SHOULDN’T FATHERS HAVE AS MUCH RIGHT AS MOTHERS TO BE GRANTED PHYSICAL CUSTODY OF AND VISITATION RIGHTS WITH THEIR CHILDREN?
Tensions exist between children’s need for contact with their father and their need to be protected from the physical, sexual and psychological abuse that is common in families where there has been other forms of violence such as woman abuse.
Although most people believe that fathers should have equal access to their children after the termination of a relationship between the parents, the equal-access option is based on the assumption that the fathers will act in their children’s best interests. However, that is a naive assumption in situations where family violence has occurred.
Fathers who batter their children’s mothers can be expected to use abusive power and control techniques to control the children, too. In many of these families, prior to separation, the men were not actively involved in the raising of their children. To gain control after the marital separation, the fathers fight for the right to be involved. Often children who have been exposed to violence in the family are frightened to confront their father’s negative or abusive behavior, and mothers cannot protect them. Sometimes the father tries to alienate the child from the mother by using money and other enticements, negative comments, or restricted access to the telephone during visitation with him. Other times, fathers may threaten or actually kidnap the child to punish the mother for leaving, or to try to force her to return.
Most people, including the battered woman herself, believe that when a woman leaves a violent man, she will remain the primary caretaker of their children. Family courts, however, may not consider the history of woman abuse relevant in awarding custody. Recent studies suggest that an abusive man is more likely than a nonviolent father to seek sole physical custody of his children and may be just as likely (or even more likely) to be awarded custody as the mother. Often fathers win physical custody because men generally have greater financial resources and can continue the court battles with more legal assistance over a longer period of time.
Family courts frequently minimize the harmful impact of children’s witnessing violence between their parents and sometimes are reluctant to believe mothers. If the court ignores the history of violence as the context for the mother’s behavior in a custody evaluation, she may appear hostile, uncooperative, or mentally unstable. For example, she may refuse to disclose her address, or may resist unsupervised visitation, especially if she thinks her child is in danger. Psychological evaluators who minimize the importance of violence against the mother, or pathologize her responses to it, may accuse her of alienating the children from the father and may recommend giving the father custody in spite of his history of violence.
Some professionals assume that accusations of physical or sexual abuse of children that arise during divorce or custody disputes are likely to be false, but the empirical research to date shows no such increase in false reporting at that time. In many instances, children are frightened about being alone with a father they have seen use violence towards their mother or a father who has abused them. Sometimes children make it clear to the court that they wish to remain with the mother because they are afraid of the father, but their wishes are ignored.
Research indicates that high levels of continued conflict between separated and divorced parents hinders children’s normal development. Some practitioners now believe that it may be better for children’s development to restrict the father’s access to them and avoid continued danger to both mothers and the children.
So maybe the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the American Judges Association, the National District Attorney’s Assocation, and the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges ALL have their heads in the clouds? You need to go back to school dear, and quit focusing on making money off of horrible custody cases.
” the equal-access option is based on the assumption that the fathers will act in their children’s best interests.”
And then we have people like you Nancy who make the assumption that all fathers will abuse their children just because a few fathers out there abuse their wives and children.
Nancy, you want all fathers to pay for something a few fathers have done. Or, is it that you, in your heart believe mothers to be the better parent? Based on your blog I have a feeling that is your true agenda…giving mothers more rights in court than fathers and the only thing you can come up with to argue your position is abuse.
So maybe the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the American Judges Association, the National District Attorney’s Assocation, and the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges are swayed in their view by the fact that PAS is not a defined mental disorder according to the DSM_V.
If it ever becomes listed sit back and watch some opinions change!
Also, you didn’t respond to anything in my comment to you. I’ll ask them again and hopefully get more of a response than so and so doesnt’ believe it is a disorder.
Why should all fathers or mothers be penalized just because a few fathers and mothers are abusers?
Why is it that some women can only defend their position by pulling out the abuse card?
Wait a minute Nancy, you are contradicting yourself. If PAS has been debunked by the American Judge’s Association, the National District Attorney’s Association, and the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges how is it that all an abuser has to do is show up in court and utter the words to gain custody?
Yes, I’m an expert, I make money. So do the folks who wrote all the stuff you are copying and pasting. But that is OK isn’t it? They are making money saying what you want to hear. The issue with me making money is the fact that you don’t like what I’m saying.
What exactly makes you an expert Cathy? What are your qualifications?
You are one nasty woman and really clueless on how battered women are treated. Who says women are equal to men or men equal to women? Equal respect would be good, but recognizing strengths makes common sense. Are men equal to women who give birth? Do they risk maternal death to bring a new life into the world? Can they nurse children with their breasts? You must go against nature to suck up to men who claim to be “falsely accused” and the likes. Your words are a disservice to women.
Wow! Cathy! I find it completely appauling that battered women are Relying in this organization, NOW, for the betterment of their lives. I would compare this to fish swimming to shark to save them from a fishing hook.
I could debate this topic to my death, but the fact of the mattter is that there is no penetrating elective ignorance. These women get so behind their “cause” that they lose sight of why there is a cause in the first place.
Let’s get back to basics.
What are Cathy’s qualifications, you ask??? SHE IS A LOVING PARENT WHO PUTS HER KIDS FIRST! That a so-called woman’s rights organization can try to interfere with a movement supporting parental rights, and children’s rights, is counter-intuitive altogether. But they are too busy victimizing themselves to take any kind of worthy stand.
I’d like to close by saying that Cathy is not a nasty woman. Nor is she an ignorant woman. She is a realistic woman. I’m sure she’s well aware of how battered women are treated. It’s just that it’s irrelevant in the discussion of recognizing PAS/PAD as a real illness. Men who batter women should be punished. They are likely not suitable fathers. The court should decide that independent of PAS/PAD. PAS/PAD is applicable only when there is no reason for the alienation — not when a mother is legitimately protecting her children.
Looks like you are the ones who need to study up.
Lauren that is the problem. PAS is being used by Fathers Rights Activists as an excuse to gain control of women, not because they have a genuine desire to have more time with their children. These are usually abusive men who had little time for their children pre divorce and now seek to control their ex by the use of PAS. Men do alienate their children from their mothers, as do mothers to fathers, but to use a baseless junk science to excuse it is the problem. It is NOT an illness.
Do you research on Richard Gardner the “inventor” of PAS (or PAD for those wanting to “alienate” themselves from PAS because of Gardner)and you will see that he was a pro pedophilic self publishing, no credibility, self promoting person who sought to end his life by self disembowellment. You can’t pick and choose exactly what areas this guy was right in.
And Lauren, qualifications are very important especially when you are choosing to provide so called expert advice to people at their most vulnerable. Being a loving mother doesn’t just cut it as an expert in my opinion.
I can see why Cathy wants to ferevently believ in PAS, there’s a whole lot of money to be made out of this.
Ignorance, ignorance and more ignorance. Can you see the forest through the trees. Just because you are all about battered women does NOT mean that every divorce is about battered woman or negligent fathers. Please! For the sake of children and loving parents everywhere, open your eyes to the pain you perpetuate. You think Cathy does this for money!?? Are you kidding? There is no amount of money that could eliminate the pain of alienated children and parents. You stereotyping discredits your crusade. Good parents lose their children to disturbed exes all the time and the institution that is supposed to protect the innocent — the children — perpetuate the problem your campaign is contributing to the contined pain of parents and children. As a woman (and probably mother) you should be ashamed.
Lauren, I don’t know how old you are or anything about your background, but thank you for contributing to this discussion. Your reasoned arguments and sound positions are an oasis in the hysterical posts that often surround parental alienation.
Parental alienation isn’t just a legal strategy cooked up by abusive fathers and father’s rights advocates. Many Moms also know the pain of being alienated from their children by Dads who drag the children into the middle of the adult conflict to meet their own unhealthy, and non-violent, emotional needs.
Sadly, neither Moms or Dads have cornered the market on the emotional issues that lead one parent to alienate a child from the other parent. In fact, if the emails we receive are any indication, Moms and Dads are both the alienating parent and the targeted parent in equal numbers.
The key to separating parental alienation fact from fiction is education. Parents, legal and mental health professionals must be knowledgable about parental alienation so they can tell the difference between legitimate alienation and false allegations of abuse and vice versa.
Sincerely,
mike jeffries
Author, A Family’s Heartbreak: A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation
Mike, thank you for commenting. It was your book that got me through the 10 months I had no contact with my son.
I appreciate you and Lauren both adding rational voices to this issue.
I hope you and your son are doing well.
There are many things in life one would never believe until they experience it first hand.
Thank you for taking the time to write this article.
The laws as they are today have loop holes for destruction that need to be changed.
My heart goes out to all the children that have been abused by our system and are no longer able to see their Mother or Father.
Cathy, I’m thrilled with your writing now. Glad to see you being so fair and balanced.
I’ve always been fair and balanced Teri.
Mike,
Thank you for your comment. It’s funny that you called my arguments and positions reasoned and sound. I expressed to Cathy offline that I was frustrated with myself for posting from my phone immediately upon reading Nancy’s outrageous comments. I was so heated that I didn’t feel I expressed myself as succinctly as I would have liked.
Regardless of how they came out, my points are still my points and I am appalled by the twisted viewpoint that many have regarding this very real issue of parental alienation. Thank you for mentioning that in situations where PA is occurring, both mothers and fathers are alienators and targeted parents in seemingly equal numbers. This is a key point in educating the audience that people like Nancy are trying to reach.
I look forward to checking out your book, and recommending it to others as well.
Lauren
There are some men and women who will use PAS as a weapon. There are also men and women who really are being alienated. I have primary of our now 12 year old son. My ex and his wife have been doing a number on my son’s brain for years. I have several journals documenting everything. I have all of the letters between our lawyers that explain all of the issues and concerns that have been going on. Not once were any of these issues brought up in front of a judge. Us and our lawyers had always met in the side room to discuss matters and that’s where my ex was told by his lawyer to smarten up because if the judge knew this, it would not be good for him. Well, since my son turned 12, 4 months ago, his father has all of a sudden called me up to rub it in my face that my son can now decide where he wants to live. I could go on about this forever but I won’t. But I will say this: in one of the most recent letters between our lawyers it is noted that my ex only wanted half of summer break for the purpose of being able to say HE HAD GOTTEN WHAT HE WANTED. I’m really getting sick and tired of this crap. Myself being the positive and uplifting parent doing all I can for my son and my ex and his woman beating me and my family to the ground. I’m in NS, Canada BTW. When is someone finally going to listen to what’s going on here?
Cathy & Lauren
Your advice is certainly professional in my eyes.
When is someone going to listen? I’m not sure anyone will ever do that. It is a form of child abuse, not one that leaves visible marks though and we live in a society that doesn’t consider it abuse if they can’t see a bruise.
I’m sorry you and your child are experiencing this. My ex and his wife are much the same. One thing I’ve learned from experience, the children grow older and become aware of what is happening. Once they do they remove themselves from the company of the offending parent.
I would have to disagee with you on your belief PAS does not exist. My children and I are living proof of this. My ex-husband and his new wife have abused and beaten my children into saying I abused them, refused all contact and visitation between me and them, then dumped the children off on the state. I have not see or been allowed any contact with my children for two years. And when the divorce first started, they told a friend of mine this is what they planned to do.
Cathy,
I thank you for standing up for all the children who are suffering this horrible but undetectable form of abuse. My son has gone through this for 9+ years and it has now come to the point of his ex accusing him of abusing his daughter (supposedly over 12 years ago). If we had known there was a term for her hostile and demeaning behavior when he was first divorced he could have saved his relationship with his kids but we had no idea that a “parent” would use their children like this. It has been all about winning v.s. loosing for his ex. Since my granddaughter is now 16 she does not have to attend the court ordered reconcilliation therapy (which she went to one time). Now this mentally ill person (her Mom) has been given total control to continue the mind manipulation and alienation. Brainwashing does not even begin to describe what this woman (and her family) have been doing to my two beautiful grandchildren. It is beyond frustrating to see how the “court system”? aids and encourages her to continue the abuse. She defies the court orders and parenting plan on a regular basis and gets away with it. ARG!
You are spot on when you said, “Only someone who has never been (or known) a victim of Parental Alienation would refer to it as “junk science.” Our sons ex has alienated the kids from their grandparents and our entire family as well. Up until the divorce we had been very involved in their lives and where there when both of them were born. These children have been cut off not only from a loving and very involved Dad, but an entire half of their family as well. Parental Alienation is as real as cancer. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there and just like cancer it causes unbearable pain.
Gran, thank you and let me say how sorry I am for what you and your son have gone through. The courts seem ill equipped with parents like your ex DIL. This is happening daily with little to no intervention for those in authority.
To some people children are pawns to be used for their own gain. The is no separation between themselves and their children and the children end up being a dumping ground for a sick and disturbed parent.
The saddest thing is, even though your son and you are hurting, it is the children who will suffer the most damage. They will one day return to their father and his family. That is when you will be able to show them the kind of love they have deserved all along.
I wish you all my best!