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Ask The Divorce Coach: Husband has left to go ‘find himself’
Dear Shelley:
My husband moved out to “find himself” and decide if he wants to work on our marriage of 22 years or if he wants to be single.
He had an affair and I lived with this knowledge and his sadness after the other woman dumped him for fear that her husband would find out. Nonethethless I was still willing to work on our marriage. This is ruining our family economy and we are trying to put a son through college.
I feel stuck since I can’t move on. I can’t afford a divorce or legal separation. I feel that this could go on forever or at least until he finds his next bimbo.
I’m so depressed knowing I face an uncertain future and he seems to hold all of the cards. I’m 61, I left my career for his career, and raised our kids..now I’m basically jobless, kids are on their journies, no husband and facing a life of being single.
S.
Dear S.
Life changes, hands us challenges and more often than not, does not go according to plan. That’s just the nature of life. Unfortunately, we hold core beliefs about how life is ‘supposed’ to be: marriages should last forever, spouses should not cheat, bad behavior should not be rewarded, people should be understanding and kind…on and on and on.
These are not necessarily bad beliefs BUT the problem arises when our beliefs create what I call unenforceable expectations…expectations that are beyond our control, beyond enforcing. We come to realize that life does not always work out the way we had planned, it isn’t always fair and people do things that are hurtful. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow but it remains the truth. We need to recognize this truth and learn to accept reality as it is versus what we think it should be. Should be’s are fantasy. The choice is yours. You can resist this new reality or you can accept it and then determine how to effectively handle what life has handed you.
Waiting around for your husband to make a decision is okay for awhile but the problem is you are putting your life in his hands, your future in his hands. You are ceding control of your life to him. Look, the future is always uncertain for all of us. No one can predict what’s on the horizon and no one can control it either. Being a human being means living with uncertainty. That too is a fact. We can either fear the uncertainty of life or have faith that things will work out for the best.
What if your future is better than your past? What if this experience is holding some deep wisdom and life lessons for you that will propel you to be the best person you can be, the person you were meant to be? What if? The odds are just as good that that life will get better as not. You don’t know that you will be single for the rest of your life nor do you know what being single might hold for you. Try having a little faith in the future versus fearing it.
What would you regret never having done in life from this point forward? Do it. Life is not over at 61. I am turning 59 this year. I divorced at 55 after 18 years of marriage. This summer I am taking sailing lessons as I have always wanted to and my ex got seasick! I am going on a 4 day adventure tour with a group on my own. I refuse to wait around for someone or something to make my life better. I claim full responsibility for my life and how I feel. That’s empowerment. It isn’t always easy but neither is life in general!
Try looking at the world through the lens of possibilities versus impossibilities. Right now that is hard as you are still in the grieving stage but that too will pass. Handle your depression by exercising and getting out there. Take good care of yourself. Nurture yourself. Be kind to yourself. Seek support from family and friends and perhaps a divorce support group. This too shall pass.
Regards,
Shelley
Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.
Tags: alone sixties, bimbo affair, how to go on, husband left, husband's midlife crisis, infidelity, left abandoned, midlife crisis, Shelley Stile, starting over at 60, uwanted divorce
Your situation may seem hopeless, but there are things you can do to help you get by. You mentioned having no income as a reason not to divorce. Because you have been married so long you will most likely qualify for alimony payments that could last indefinitely. Don’t stay in the relationship if you don’t want to, and don’t let the situation control you or your actions. Best of luck.