FLASHING WARNING: Separated Men

I avoid dating separated men like the plague.  Call it discrimination if you want.  I call it smart.  Cause yeah, I’ve met and/or dated a bunch of them since I got separated.  And without fail, they’ve fallen into one of the following five following ‘wounded’ categories.

 

1:  The Over-Compensator.  This injured man is perhaps the easiest to fall for and subsequently, the6a010536f43000970c01156f6a7e6a970c-800wi most dangerous.  Energetic and outgoing, he acts like he has it all figured out and well under control.  In reference to his divorce you’ll hear comments like, Oh, it’s no big deal, life is great, and shit happens.  He may even talk-the-talk of someone who has processed his big life change, saying things like:  “People come together to for awhile to live and learn and grow but have to move on…”  How to identify him:  Keep asking questions.  And use your common sense.  Don’t be surprised if he says he’s only been separated for three weeks.

 

2.      The Brooder.  Easy to identify.  He’ll sing a song of woe.  He’s a victim, emotionally, financially, and in every other respect.    You’ll soon feel the heaviness of his company – that’s his luggage.  He hasn’t even begun to sort through it.

 

3.      The Blamer.  A hybrid of The Brooder, this bleeding man will come across more on the offence regarding his divorce. Biting remarks, looks of distaste, maybe even flashes of anger in his eyes and body language.  Whether his ex should be blamed or not is NOT the issue – the matter of his ability to let go IS.

 

4.      The Acting-Up Player.  Similar to the younger male Player, he is a grown up version with a few more grey hairs and a shinier car.  He’s a bed-hopper, beguiling with his charm and desire to have fun.  Not only is he seeking out thrills to mask his pain, he’s trying to prove to himself, and the world, that he still has ‘it.’  Processing his divorce has not yet arrived on his radar.

 

5.       Mr. Needy.  Pull in those heart strings ladies.  He may seem like all he wants to do is ‘love and be loved’ but really he’s just lost without a partner and desperately looking for a replacement.  He’ll try to move fast, see you every night if possible, and quickly talk about meeting his/your kids.  Won’t be long before most of your energy goes into ‘taking care of him’ verses spending time together.  Do you want a partner, or another child?

 

I’m not writing any of this to chew up separated men maliciously.  I’m saying this because I can see my former Separated Woman Self in all these categories too. 

 

No matter which road a separated person takes, the one that leads to recovery requires some tough self-love and TIME – time to adjust, heal and grow.  I just don’t want to see YOU in the situation where someone else is working out their shit with your valuable time and with your heart.

 

Delaine

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com

 

Comments

  1. 1

    T says

    Gosh… the last relationship I was in seemed like a man that combined ALL of these things. Sheesh. No wonder I was exhausted and confused all the time.
    *sigh*

  2. 2

    Stuart says

    You seriously got to start trusting again. I mean don’t be afraid to trust others, but must importantly trust yourself to deal with what ever happens good or bad.
    Every person you meet in life is an individual. If you start putting people in boxes you are just putting yourself in a box all on your own.
    I agree there are plenty of idiots and losers in this world and they will meet there worth. For you happiness with someone else is a much more precious and rare thing like diamonds and gold x

  3. 4

    James F Hodgdon Jr says

    I’m “separated”, waiting for the divorce to go through, waiting for the financial stuff to be settled. So does that mean I should have to live like a hermit? I don’t have leprosy for Christ’s sake, a woman left me, that’s all. Lumping all men into a particular category is prejudicial and unfair.
    She’s not coming back. I understand and accept that. Refusing to give me a chance to be happy and make someone new happy is just plain unfiar.

  4. 5

    michael jones says

    That is all pretty oool. I could pobably fall a little into all of those catergories myself. Except for mabe the acting p player one. Of course I have played a bit. But most of my enjoyable playtime involves self fullfilling activities like kayaking surfing.. you know,active outdoor non-female oriented stuff. Think I am well on my ath to self re-discovery. I amnot feeling too needy either.

  5. 6

    says

    Part of figuring out what we DO like also means figuring out what we DON’T like. Otherwise we can unconsciously be attracted to the same of relationship all over again. I’m determined to break that habit guys – that’s why I look very closely and ‘see’ things. I’m wearing different glasses so-to-speak – ones that prevent my wanton romantic idealism from dictating my life.
    I find it interesting that primarily men responded to this blog. I guess it would cause men to take a peek inside and see if they fit into any of those categories – or see any areas where may they be weak and in need of work. Like I said, the only reason I could create these ‘categories’ is because I saw parts of my Former Separated Self in all of them.

  6. 7

    Howard Feinberg says

    I have to agree with some of the other guys on this site. I am separated and only waiting for the mandantory California divorce time period to go thru.
    I have dated lots of women I take them out to get to know them for dinner, dancing, horseback riding and make them feel special and important and ask for nothing in return.
    I hear almost universally the same thing well since your just separated thats just so different from being divorced.
    My wife had lots of jealousy issues and these turned into major trust issues so she killed our marriage over five years time after being together 29 years and 2 great kids later.
    These women that I date say things like you need time to process and become your own person. I find being married alot better than being single this is why most divorced men marry quickly and most women do not.
    I have processed all I need to but as the old saying goes you dont know what you dont know but it will all be dealt with because it has to be.
    I think lots of women think Mr. perfect is just the next date away and thatsa why they are still single.
    Personally I am a great catch 53, good looking,in really good shape, very successful ,well grounded and emotionally stable and am being passed by women I could have a very good easy relationship with for these stupid reasons tis like they have forgotten how to use there intuition.
    What I tell them is that you know that ticking sound you hear everyday its the clock of life passing you by. Maybe you should trust your heart and not all the bad advice being given out on sites like this from women who have been screwed over by men because their judgment was out of whack when they dated.
    Just my 2 cents worth there are still a few of us keepers ou there who are not just looking for sex or a new mother to take care of us.

  7. 8

    says

    Howard, the waiting period for divorce in California is six months. I know very few women who won’t stop and think twice before becoming involved with someone who is less than six months into the divorce process.
    Most women aren’t interested in becoming a replacement until for an ex-wife. Or, becoming involved with someone who feels “being married is a lot better than being single.”
    Personally I want a man who isn’t afraid to be alone with himself. Wants me because he loves me, not because being married is better than being single.
    The good news for you is that, there are women out there who are perfect for you. They don’t care if your divorce is final, they don’t care because, like you they want to be married instead of single. So, you keep looking because you will find someone who will hop at the chance to become serious with a newly separated or divorced man.
    I’ve been divorced for 10 years. And not once have I heard a ticking sound. It would be wonderful to meet someone who is perfect for me but if I don’t my life will not pass me by.
    I live every day getting every ounce of pleasure I can out of life and I’m able to do that whether I’m single or married. I want a man who can do the same and I’m pleased to say they there are many out there.
    Believe it or not, women get over being “screwed over.” The getting over it is what leaves us with enough sense to know the virtue of listening to our intuition.
    And, it’s that intuition that causes women to tell you the things they do. It would serve you well to start listening.

  8. 9

    Colin says

    It’s funny how seperated or divorced people always have some spin on the other sex. It’s been 4 years since D day and for the first 2 years I did the same thing. Women this women that, why why why. What it all boils down to is … people, human beings. What has been outlined above is true about anyone, man or women who has been through a divorce.

  9. 10

    says

    Yes Colin, I think it can be applied to both sexes. My hand is waving in the air – I see MYSELF in all these ‘characters’ I outlined.
    Howard, there ARE good men out there. Not everyone is a womanizer or in need of a mother. I just wrote about my observations from dating…and I can only see them now, two years into my divorce. I find that men, when they’re in pain, react differently than women. And women (like me) can foolishly ignore the warning signs and jump into a new relationship. And of course, men can too.

  10. 11

    Andrea says

    I personally have met a combo of Mr. Needy and The Brooder, and I have yet to recover from the damage that he did to my mind and my heart. Once he figured out that I wasnt going to move in and meet his kids and cure his pain for him, while playing therapist listeneing to stories about his Ex Wife daily, he disappeared on me, after weeks of nightly romance and telling me that he loved me (red flags, all that so soon, and I knew it). Two weeks later he was romancing one of the Barmaids at the bar we met at. I was used and thrown away like a dirty tissue, but because he looks like “all he wants to do is ‘love and be loved” I got the blame for being a cold hearted Bitch, because I put the brakes on and got defensive. He has no idea what he is doing or what he wants right now, and doesnt care who he hurts. He’s in total denial. I feel sorry for the women that he dates, past and future, because until he gets over his divorce they are going to end up broken and disappointed, just like me.

  11. 12

    Single Father says

    Sounds like a list of separated women to avoid, except with the genders switched and the usual air of imagined superiority whenever a woman is stereotyping and pigeonholing men.

    When there are rebuttable joint custody laws in place throughout America and some semblance of due process in family courts, I’ll start taking this crap seriously.

  12. 13

    says

    Due process swings both ways single father and when I see it start happening I’ll start taking it all seriously also.

    Family court and divorce laws are not a friend to anyone, man or woman and especially not children.

    Also, I have a feeling if more fathers sought joint custody you would see the laws change. Problem is, fathers who want joint custody are in the minority, they are not the norm.

    Just ask some of your single mom friends how many of their ex husbands wanted to take on parenting their children half the time.

  13. 14

    Single Father says

    Well, Cathy, I’ve been involved in trying to get rebuttable joint custody and anti-“move away” legislation in place in several states for years, and it is always the women’s lobbying groups that vote against such legislation.

    Even where such legal safeguards exist, it is usually the mothers of children of divorce who interfere with custodial arrangements:

    “Almost 40 percent of the custodial wives reported that they had refused at least once to let their ex-husbands see the children, and admitted that their reasons had nothing to do with the children’s wishes or the children’s safety, but were somehow punitive in nature.” (Julie A. Fulton, “Parental Reports of Children’s Post-Divorce Adjustment, Journal of Social Issues, Vol. 35, 1979, p. 133. Fulton reported that 53% of the non-custodial fathers claimed their ex-wives had refused to let them see their children).

    “Research by Drs. Judith Wallerstein and Joan Berlin Kelly revealed that approximately 50 percent of mothers either saw no value in the father’s contact with his children and actively tried to sabotage it, or resented the father’s contact.” (Wallerstein, Surviving the Breakup, HarperCollins , 1996, p.125).

    Anecdotes do not equal data.

  14. 15

    Just me says

    What about this, we all just chill and stop throwing darts. Ladies with an attitude, fellas that are in the mood. Live, dance, be free and believe in the big guy or mama upstairs. It really is quite simple. Bottom line if he/she is separated and living THIER own apartment, holding a job, seeing THEIR kids, and being “responsible” then kudos to him/her, ” bouna fortuna. ”

  15. 16

    shar says

    why do I hear all the time, people say “i’m separated and waiting for the financial stuff to go through” what does this mean? Just go to court, express you want a divorce and the judge will give it to you. Why are people just separating and claiming they are done with the person. If you are done, you are done. Divorce already and stop playing games. I know divorces are not hard to get, cause my friend got one within a few months and her situation was deep, he wasn’t from America and they had a child together.

    You pay for the divorce papers, go to court, state your reason why and most of the time if it is a good reason, the judge will give you one. People think they are fooling people with trying to convience people they are done but they are separated for years.

    Tina turner went straight to court and got divorce, she went before a judge and they had a lot of money and asetts between them and a bunch of kids. lol
    So people with just an average job and a child can easily get one.

    I know a lot of men who just stay separated for years and never take the woman to court to just get divorce, they just stay separated out of court with attorneys between them. Why I say, because people still want to run back when they want to and keep connected to each other money and things. They use the kids as a crutch.

    Right now i have decided to only keep my relationship with my older man who is separated, just as a friend without the sex because he has been separated for 3 years and has never taken his wife to court and falls in your category of Thе Acting-Up Player. He flirts with every woman that looks at him or speak to him, while he is with me, he is ego driven and only calls me on days it seems when he wants to screw around, in which he wants test to see if he can before even taking me anywhere. He tells me he is “F’d up and that is why he is the way he is with me sometime. Anyhow, I have reached a point in which I plan to slow it all the way down and of courses he is going to accuse me of being difficult and if that happens,

    Ladies before you date a separated man, find out the steps he is taking to actually get out of the marriage completely, find out if him and his wife is going to court. If he hasn’t in years (more than one year) he is fine with staying separated and whatever the reason ain’t good and is going to affect you to.

    People use separation as a means of getting a “license to screw around” while keeping the door open for a chance to get back with their spouses.
    I actually have heard two people I know who are separated actually tell me they got a license to screw around, when I asked them why are they dating and have sex with different people instead of actually getting out of their marriage and settling down with one person.

    In response to the post made by Howard, who his wife destroyed his marriage with jealousy. One thing I learned is men often claim women to be jealous but the men are flirting with other women, more focused on other women while even out with their wife’s and/or girl friend, then get mad when the women get jealous. I’m a strong believer that flirting should not go on when you are in a committed relationship. You should always want to make sure your spouse fees special and most important. If you are on a date with someone, don’t make them share their date time with a woman you are checking out out or use to date or find cute.

    Howard posted that they have dated lots of women. Being separated doesn’t men date a lot of women. How long were you separated, I hope a long time if you are dating lots of women. If someone has dated a lot of women in just a year and could not find at least one of them women to invest at least a year of a relationship with, it is very concerning and I myself would probably not be interested in dating a person in which this is the case.
    Simply because i believe people who are separated easily fall in the habit of sleeping with the people they are dating. I don’t want to sleep with any man who has slept with a lot of woman especially just while separated, it just tasteless at the same time.

    Howard, you say you are in your fifties and bragged about himself. Could your ego be getting in the way of having settling down with any of the “lots” of women you are dating? I listen to speak and I learned that as a woman if you listen to men more you can pretty much tell what the real deal is. Being a “good catch” and what you look like has nothing to do with it, are you a selfless person (and buying gift and spending money isn’t just what counts), or are you a tit for tat separated guy who is looking for women to be “perfect” since one woman you claim didn’t love you and you were good to her. Maybe you are punishing the women you date, not giving them something they need like, complimenting them and putting them on a throne like you would do yourself or do they haft to be married to you for you to do that?

    Fancy things, expensive dates…etc, don’t impress me, if you are kind, a good listener, considerate of my feeling and needs and attentive to them, if you care about what I like to do and not just about how I’am in bed, I would gladly date you, also providing that you have not been separated for more than a year and haven’t dated a lot of women during that time, because too much dating leads to, to much screwing around and everybody “you” screw, you are screwing everybody they screwed.

    Why do it seem like older men date a lot of women and screw around a lot once they are separate, it is like they are trying to be young guys again.
    They also get big egos and shop hard for what they think is the perfect woman who will support their ego.

    I often get a lot of men who try to get my attention even while i’m out with someone and I make it my goal to ignore them and only speak to them if I known them for years and even then it is quick and casual. Guys I’m try to make me sit on the inside of the booth, out of view…etc, all while they are flirting with females and waitresses while we are out. Then if I got jealous they would say I’m starting an argument. lol. I also don’t flirt with waiters and avoid gazing in eyes of men and looking at men when my man is speaking to me. How I do this, I keep my man on my mind and what we are doing. My attention is all his cause we are on a date, he matter to me and how he feels.

    After my recent experience, I would never date a man who is separated, unless he already has filed for divorce or there is a court date for the divorce or he hasn’t been separated more than a year.

  16. 17

    says

    would like to find a young divorced lady for a partner to share my life with as I am getting on now and I am a little a lone would like someone for company as sone as possible I would like some one about in her 40 s so I can concider trying for a child and a permant relationship

Trackbacks

  1. [...] 1:  The Over-Compensator.  This injured man is perhaps the easiest to fall for and subsequently, the most dangerous.  Energetic and outgoing, he acts like he has it all figured out and well under control.  In reference to his divorce you’ll hear comments like, Oh, it’s no big deal, life is great, and shit happens.  (Read more here) [...]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>