Turning The Kids Against The Ex
June 9, 2010 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under Blended & Changing Families, Children & Divorce, Coping, Family, Grief & Anger, Parenting, The Ex
When parents get divorced, sometimes the divorce is less than amiable. Parents may carry resentment and anger. Unfortunately, sometimes those negative thoughts are communicated to our children.
I regularly hear from stepfamilies that have been told by their children that Mom (or Dad) doesn’t love them anymore or that their new step dad will be their “real” Dad now. All of these thoughts are confusing and not helpful to the child or helpful to the new step family.
Here are some examples:
“My kid’s biomom remarried and became pregnant. After the baby was born, she told her kids that they should call their step dad “Dad” and their bio dad by his first name now. My kids are so confused!”
“When my ex-husband has visitation with the kids, and we are both present at a school event, he tells the kids not to talk to me (their biological mom) during the event.”
“My Mom told me that my Dad doesn’t love me anymore now that he remarried. Is that true?”
These statements, coming from real moms, dads and kids, are very harmful to children. Here are some guidelines on how to help your kids cope with the transitions of divorce, remarriage and blended families.
Don’t Engage
Don’t engage in the battle – It’s best to take the higher ground. Do not speak negatively about their mother in front of the kids. If you have to say anything, you can say, “Although we disagree with your mother, we know that she loves you. We love you and want what’s best for you.” (That way you aren’t lying, but also not agreeing with the biological mother’s behavior.)
Train and Teach Your Children
Train and teach your stepchildren – they didn’t come with an instruction manual on how to handle divorce and remarriage. Explain to them that you can enjoy spending time with Mom and with Dad – it’s not a competition. “You can also love your stepdad and also your stepmom – and that doesn’t compete with your love for your biological parent.”
Tell them “every child only gets one real Mom and one real Dad – and that, although divorce is very sad, we are going to work through this and be positive about the future. Because your Mom and Dad have remarried, you get bonus parents, and they are called stepparents. These people aren’t your real Mom or Dad, but they are people who care about you, love you and will help raise you.”
The more you talk about it (calmly and in a non-formal way – maybe while driving in the car, or working on a project together) the easier it will become for the kids to talk about it, and know its O.K. to discuss it with you and their Dad.
It’s O.K. To Comment on the Other Parent’s Negative Behavior
You can even comment on the other parent’s negative behavior, but keep your attitude positive. (What !) Here’s an example… “I know your Mom tells you to ignore us when we are all at school together. We still love you. Just know that we are smiling and watching you. If you want to sneak a peak at us, we’ll blow you a kiss. If not, then don’t worry. You’ll be with us again soon.”
Reassure Your Kids
Explain to your kids that, “Sometimes when Mommy’s and Daddy’s remarry, the kids become jealous and wonder if they are still loved. Yes, they are still loved. There is enough love for everyone. Adults even get jealous too. Don’t worry, there’s enough love for everyone.”
You are acknowledging the negative (or even sometimes strange behavior) without condemning the source. You can be the constant, normal set of parents in their lives- I guarantee your kids will appreciate this.
In Summary
- Do what’s right, be positive.
- Be the constant, normal parents in the kid’s lives.
- Keep telling them that you love them, and know all these changes are tough.
- Help them understand what’s going on by expressing your expectations and telling them about divorce and remarriage.
Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful, and her book, Blended Family Advice, has been touted as the ultimate must-read for couples contemplating or undergoing such change.
I just had an experience with my ex today that hurt my daughter. She was a school function and I had walked away. Her teacher came over and asked where I was. She then asked my ex “Did Mrs. Starr leave?” and he said “I hope so”. My daughter was mortified. She is ONLY 9!!!! I explained to him that he needs to step out of HIS persona and realize it is about his daughter. His response “It was none of her f’ing business”. I said Yes, it was. You brought Katie’s teacher into it when you responded so negatively. He is so caught up in HIS feelings, how do we get through to someone so “THICKHEADED”???
Lori, I’m wanting to slap him silly for you! His words are so juvenile and most importantly, hurtful and inappropriate in front of your daughter.
My son (age 9 too) has also witnessed/heard things when with my ex. And when he brought them up with me, I either a) tried to explain that the ex was in a bad mood (cause all we all get that way) or b) I laughed about it, saying “Oh you know daddy honey, he says the wrong things sometimes. Don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt me.” I ALWAYS let my son express how he felt about it, and reassured him that his feelings were OK.
Someone always ends up having to be the bigger person. That we have to do damage control because of their backhandedness is infuriating. I share your frustration and disgust, and I’m sure others do too.
WOW!!!
And i thought I was the only one that had to deal with this??
My poor sweet children. To think of the turmoil their minds go through. My Mom tells me all the time to try to be a “bigger person” than my X because no matter what I do or say or how much kinder I am, he will always “win” in every situation. My Mom points out to me that it is my CHILDREN who are losing in this battle. They are facing the turmoil every single solitary day, every moment, really. So i have to admit how true she is. I see their faces and how they want so bad to be happy with BOTH of us. How hard they try!! They are such sweet good kids!!! But yet he always has to keep something going. And if i fight him against it, even though its the LAW and he is going against the LAW, the kids still see ME as the bad parent because he is so controlling. Its a tough one. But in the end, its the kids who lose,if we demand to be right
Star, sorry you and your children are going through this. My youngest is 19 and my ex still plays games with him and he still hurts due to the games.
It isn’t about who is right or wrong. It is about taking care of our children and your mom is right we have to be the “bigger person” because our children need that of us.
I’ve found it better if I focus less on what he does to my children and more on what I can do for them. In the end, your ex will lose. His children will grow and mature and will form strong bonds with those who put them first.
Questions. Who in their right mind would alienate their children from the other parent and their family? What is to gain by destroying a once loving bond between a parent and their children? Is this ego driven or fear driven or both? I know this is not gender biased, just that more moms do it because of high primary custody %.
Why is my ex-wife doing this and what is she to gain? After two years of not seeing or speaking to my son, I now find out he is told to call another man ‘Dad’ and now that the trial for alienation has come to an end, he is truly confused about me and understandably so. What can I do to prevent my ex-wife from ever doing this again? I am considering having her jailed the next time she does this, and going for full custody. I will not negate her in front of my son and I am having a hard time being feeling any kind of empathy for her, even though I have chosen to take the high road for the sake of my son. I no longer have any faith in the mother. And the justice system took so long in seeing my case through, I am just so tired of it all.
Where were my son’s right in all this to be loved by BOTH parents? Who is this guy that calls me after all this and says I will never see my son again? I think this guy who wants to be called ‘Dad’ in my place is quite lucky I am going to a mens’ group and reading the female side of things and not doing the proverbial “peeing” on his lawn bit as he is doing to me. I think he is quite lucky he is still breathing, after such a daring call, uh oh! insert ranting here!
Anyhow, how am I ever to trust another woman in my life? This has been the most devastating thing in my life by far, but I will say that this grease monkey sure learned how to deal with his emotions in a quick way,.Fixing cars and dealing with this situation were so diametrically opposed that it wasn’t even funny. I had no idea where to start dealing with this, I am just happy I didn’t stick my head in the sand and let my son down. I think he will thank me in the long run even if he sometimes doesn’t know why he hates me. His mom just told him so. As for step dad, you will get it in time. Life has an uncanny way of taking care of what you didn’t.
Signed by a 35 yr old dad who stuck with it and is damn proud of it. Anik B
Anik, your distress and anger are obvious and all I can say is good for you for attending a men’s group and seeking out support. I think a lot of us end up wondering if the legal system truly serves us and our children in the end; no doubt it is highly flawed. I know I’ve personally had to tell myself time and time again that time will work wonders – especially to overcome my anger. I hope this happens soon for you, that you’re able to forge a relationship with your son, and this drama won’t prevent you from one day getting close to another woman. We all attract bad apples into our life at some point to teach us majorly tough lessons…but not all women are rotten. I hope time shows this, and brings you peace and healing.
Anik,
I have to say that out of all the issues going on in this completely screwed up world we live in you are by far hanging in there i think from just reading what you wrote and what your going thru your absolutely AMAZING!!!! I am so sorry for what you are being put thru, and i’ts such a classic case of a chic who could care less about your son & is only thinking of herself. hang in there do not give up, she will reap what she has sown!!!