My wife had, and is, most likely having an affair. Today is the one year anniversary of discovery. Background: sexless marriage for 11 years. No intimacy of any type, no sex, hugs, kisses. Nothing. When I confronted her about her having an affair, she shut down. She will not accept the living hell 24/7 I’ve been in. We don’t sleep in same room and haven’t for 11 years. She will spend hours a day between computer, TV or napping but will not give me 5 minutes and tell me what or why this has happened. I missed my son’s 9th year of life being in this state.
How long does a person live like this? She will not see a counsellor. Does this ever get better? Does a person like this ever change or does someone in my situation end this type of marriage? It seems she wants me to just forget it all and live a loveless, affectionless marriage. She has become numb to me. It’s like she blames me for her having an affair, like I’m the bad one. She goes weeks without even looking in my direction and talks to our son like I’m not even in the room. She wants to stay in the marriage at this time because of our son. But the situation is affecting every aspect of my life, from work to my interaction with our son, to sleep, you name it. I am so emotionally injured by this. When do you realize it’s over?
You have one life to live and you need to make the decision as to how you want that life to look. The arrangement you have presently doesn’t sound to me like a marriage, at least not a marriage that offers love and fulfillment. It sounds like roommates at best. You ask the question, “How long does a person live like this?” and I would ask you the same question. Nobody forces us to do or be anything in life, we choose. Your present situation is a choice you have made. The larger question remains, how is that choice serving you?
You also ask if a person ever changes? A person changes if a person chooses or desires to change. We do not have control over anyone. The issue of what we can change or control in life is very important. I believe that there is very little in life that we can change outside of ourselves and how we choose to handle what life hands us.
Staying in a loveless marriage because of the kids is a sticky situation. Our children model themselves over what they see in the house. What is your son seeing and what will he model? Living in a house where the parents barely speak to one another cannot be good. Perhaps you suggest that you and your wife see a child psychologist and get their opinion.
Again you ask, “When do you realize it is over?” Ask yourself that question. From what you have said, it sounds as if a nurturing marriage has been over for a long time now. I suspect you already know this. Ask yourself what you would like to do with the rest of your life from this point forward. Use your free will.