Ask The Divorce Coach: Separated But Living Together

live together after divorce

Question

Dear Shelley:

Overview: husband cheated, tried to make it work, husband stopped his counselling, blamed me for not having sex cause I could not get over the “other woman”, cheated again, now separated, living in the same house but separate rooms, one 14 -year- old daughter, husband is out every night getting his “happiness on” leaving me to our daughter and her questions which I have to make up excuses for him. He is manipulative and my daughter may be his next victim and I am physically and emotionally exhausted.  How do I survive and protect my daughter?  Do I let our daughter find out how worthless he is on her own?  

Drained and hopeless,

Latina

Answer

Dear Latina:

Best not to involve your daughter in your divorce issues.  It will only harm her. I am certain that she can see for herself what is happening and she doesn’t need to be involved. Trust me on that.  You do not need to cover for him. A 14 year old is smarter then that. You need to love her more then you dislike him.

Sounds like you could make use of some firm boundaries with your husband.  In order to reduce the extreme physical and mental exhaustion I suggest you start thinking about establishing boundaries, I.E. what you will accept and what you will not accept.  Have you spoken to an attorney to see what your rights are in the present situation? That would be a very good idea.  Is there a way for him to establish his own residency? Would you be willing to move?   If not, how can you create some lines in the sand as far as his behaviour goes?  Learning to say no and create consequences to bad behaviour is urgently needed.  

What are you doing to take care of yourself so the stress doesn’t eat you up alive?  Are you exercising, doing yoga, anything?  Do it!  It is a proven antidote to stress and stress kills.  How about support? Do you have close family and friends to lean on and if not, how about a divorce support group?  Are you eating well and getting rest?

A survivor is someone who takes action to move forward and address what is wrong in their life.  Start taking small steps everyday.  Only you can make the difference in your life…not to mention your daughter’s.  Learn to accept what you cannot change or control. Choose to handle this situation differently, in a way that will serve you.

Regards,

Shelley

 

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

Comments

  1. 1

    Niki says

    When my children would ask questions about their father’s behavior I would tell them to ask him. They never got a straight answer from him and soon figured out what he was up to.

    Once they found out I was the one who had to take care of their emotional needs but in the end they respected me for not dragging them into the middle of our problems and trusted me to be there to take care of them.

    That is what you have to do now. Take care of yourself so that you can continue to be there for your daughter.

    And Shelley is right, you survive by moving forward and taking action. Don’t continue to live the way you are or, you will get to the point that you won’t be able to function.

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