Do you ever wonder, “Is it ME?”
July 30, 2010 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under Coping, Evolution, Family, Grief & Anger, Identity, NoMore, The Ex
Submitted by Delaine
Warning: I’m a little scattered today…
I need to ask you something. Hopefully I can coherently spit out my thoughts here. So here goes: Have you ever a conversation with your ex where his position on issues seemed so blatantly wrong, his perception so skewed, that you sat there wondering, “Am I really off so off the mark on this? Truly, am I too stupid to get it? Is it ME?”
Cause I have; or rather I am.
I think that overall I’m a very communicative and empathetic person. So as I continue ploughing through my divorce, I’m constantly trying to see and feel things from my ex husband’s perspective. I ignore his condescending remarks. I try and forgive him for biting comments that are off topic. I try to speak kindly, sensibly, about the issue at hand. ..
But it’s like I’m talking to a wall; nothing’s getting in. And I sit there wracking my brain: Am I not saying this clearly enough? Does his perspective overrule my own? Then, in exasperation: How did we stay married for seven years when we can’t communicate AT ALL?
Oh, I know I’m being vague here…but legally, I can’t share the details of my situation. Nor do I want to in fear that I’ll sound like my goal is to trash my ex – cause it isn’t.
I’m just frustrated. And rather sad. Cause I put so much effort into understanding him, his perspective, his circumstances…whereas it seems he doesn’t even try to do the same. I feel his anger. I hear his resentment. And it kills me that I can’t figure out to how to build a bridge between us. We’re both decent, smart people, after all – why can’t we communicate like adults?
Do you feel like this when you try to communicate with your ex? How do you handle it? My ex and I can’t resolve issues through our own discussions. Mediation sessions, though a fantastic option for many people, go nowhere for us. The only recourse is legal action. And I have trouble accepting the fact I have to pour tens of thousands of dollars into getting decisions made that will leave us both unhappy in some ways AND create more tension between us. It all just seems like such a waste…
And so I wonder, ”Is it me?” Do I give myself more credit than I deserve? Am I a lot less empathetic and more selfish than I realize? A downward spiral of self-attacking thoughts gather impetus; I’ve always been good at self-deprecation….
But friends and family prop me back up on my feet. They say that if I don’t properly deal with our serious issues now, I’ll be doing so for the rest of my life. And you know what I think of their support and kind words? Though I love and appreciate them for it, I also wonder, what if they’re wrong? What if they’re perception of my perception on things is wrong or one-sided? (Chuckling) It appears I have enough self-doubt to go around.
And so I must listen to my heart. And it reminds me that as a full-time single mother of three carrying enormous responsibilities, I have to do what is best for my children and myself. My position, my opinions and my feelings ARE real. They DO have merit, they ARE very important and in need of resolution. I’m not motivated but some ego-driven need to be ‘right’. I don’t need to be declared The Winner. I just want things to be fair. I want us to treat each other with respect and maturity. I want us to successfully co-parent as we move forward in our individual lives…
But right now, I fear that by even hoping for these things, I’m setting myself up for another fall.
Amelia – www.iamdivorcednotdead.com
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When ‘Favors’ Are Treated Like Demands
‘Choices’ In A Woman’s Life? Or Sacrifices?
Shielding Your Kids From ‘The Heat’
Delaine, this is my opinion, based on my own experience. You can try to communicate and negotiate until you are blue in the face. If he isn’t interested it isn’t going to happen.
He may be someone who sees it as a win and lose situation. For him it may not be about co-parenting but about being right and getting his way.
I’ve been divorced for 11 years. In that 11 year period my ex’s only concern was being right and being right to him meant causing me as much frustration and stress as possible. If the children were collateral damage he didn’t seem to care.
I’ve spent years trying to see things from his perspective, playing nice doggy and rolling over hoping my ex would get past his anger. It hasn’t happened and I now know that it will never happen.
I hope the same is not true for your ex. I do know this much, my ex’s unwillingness to co-parent has done far more damage to his children than it did to me.
I know you and the kind of person you are. I can safely say that no, it isn’t you. I’ve negotiated with you, worked through problems with you and you are a reasonable person. The problem you are having is that you are trying to reason with an unreasonable person.
Hopefully the court will be able to help him see reason and the error of his ways. If not you all will pay. If he is anything like my ex he will be too stupid to recognize the cost to himself and others involved.
I have so been there before! I sit there and wonder how he could logically think that way, because it’s so wrong. How how how?! It’s hard not to question yourself in that situation. Or at least it is for me because he spent the better part of our marriage convincing me that I was wrong all the time, and I believed him. Hang in there.
logical doesn’t always align with emotional. In fact many times they conflict with each other.
Once an emotion gets in the way, all logic will become twisted and distorted to match that emotion.
I have never believed in listening to one thing. Listening to your heart is only half of the puzzle. The other half is to take logic, and match it up with your heart. When they speak the same thing, then you will have the correct answers.
It’s not just you.
I tried to be friendly, if not friends, with my EX and he would twist polite conversations into excuses to bash me. It only took a couple of months after we separated to essentially put up a no-contact order between us, unless it was urgent and then only through non-verbal means (aka text msg or email) unless it was an emergency.
I had to get out of the habit of being defensive, especially when it was (is) obvious that he will never see my side of anything and since he believes that he is the injured party and I owe him for breaking up our marriage, he seems to be willing to go to almost any length to make my life miserable, even if it means putting our kids in the middle.
His nastiness used to make me feel so weak, emotionally. We do not speak, even when he calls to talk to his children. We pass important messages to one another through email or text message. If we do speak, I hang up when he starts to get nasty. I ignore any emails or texts that I deem harmful to my emotional well-being (I do not respond: period.) I implemented all of this after giving him fair warning: he does not get to talk to me anyway he feels like it and I will continue to ignore him if I feel he is being rude or trying to get a rise out of me.
We have a much better relationship now that we do not speak. I hope for our kids’ sake, some time in the future, we will be able to talk civilly to one another, again.
I hope the same for you, as well.
Desiree, good for you for setting such good boundaries. It can be the only way to find some sort of peace in life. Hopefully it will one day make a difference in the level of civility your ex shows to you and in return to his children.
This is me after every single conversation I have with my STBX. I knew that we had problems communicating back when we were still together, and it has continued and gotten worse since I left. He hears what he wants to hear, and twists everything else around to his own benefit. I know it isn’t me, although I know I’m not perfect either, and I hate that he can affect me that way. I wish that we could use email/text as our only form of communication, but he doesn’t have a computer or cell phone. I have to constantly remember that I am dealing with an irrational person and that nothing that he says makes sense, and that it isn’t me, it’s him and his issues.
As Cathy pointed out, “I’ve been divorced for 11 years. In that 11 year period my ex’s only concern was being right and being right to him meant causing me as much frustration and stress as possible. If the children were collateral damage he didn’t seem to care.” My ex does the same, he is very narcissistic and his goal is to attack me and he doesn’t seem to notice or care that it directly impacts the children.
I have been done that road…and I have learned from my mistakes…
What you agree on now sets the stage down the road. I was very lenient. I did not push where money was concerned. I was understanding. But my main mistake was that i did not put my future first. I have three children. If this is relating to support, let the calculations speak for themselves and trust them, even if it seems too much money. Down the road when these things are revisted, because they legally can be once a year, these same calculations will come into play. If this is regarding visitation, do yourself a favor and be as detailed as you can- this will save heartache down the road, and give you the personal time you need and deserve. This relationship is now one of business, the love is now only between parent and child. The sooner you establish a boundary, the easier it will be for you, him and the children. He will not understand what you go thru and will understand less if and when someone new is in his life. Protect yourself and your children now and lay down the boundaries. It is sad but one day it will heal. Toughen up now so he doesn’t drive you crazy later…Trust me= I have been too sweet and understanding. They respond better to boundaries and respect you more for it. Without it you will open yourself up in undescribable ways and now at this new time in your life, its the last thing you may want….invest in your peace:)