Ask The Divorce Coach: He had an affair with my best friend & refuses to divorce me

cheated with best friend refuses to divorce

Question:

Dear Shelley:

Five years ago my husband started an affair with my very best friend in the whole world.  My husband felt neglected by me which, in a sense, was true – with menopause and other issues I was going through, I sort of ended up in this black hole.

During this time, he has left on and off.  He’d tell me he broke it off with her but then I’d found out they were talking again. Her and I? I could kill her.  We have been in physical fights and horrible mouthy fights.  Lies…oh the lies… just because we knew each other so well.

My husband left a year and a half ago and hasn’t returned since.  We still had sex weekly until a couple months ago when I just went crazy again.  He swears he feels no love for my best friend…but same towards me.  He wants to put himself first now.  Do his thing.  Be happy for him. etc We have a 14 year old together that has been crushed by all of this. 

My husband says he does not want a divorce.  I can’t move on.  I want no one else.  I love him deeply. Yes, even after all this.

What do I do?  How do I try to find a place in my life where I can be semi happy?  I don’t know who or what I am.  I hate her and blame her.  I know he is just as guilty.  But, damn girlfriends do not mess with their friends man!!

Any advice?  Words of wisdom?  Anything?

Rachel

 

Answer:

Rachel-

Why are you subjecting yourself to this abuse?  That’s the question you really want to ask.  He wants to live his own life but he doesn’t want to give you a divorce?  Where exactly does that leave you?   Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?  As far as I can see you have placed yourself in a very toxic environment and it is costing you big-time.  Why?  Don’t you think you are good enough?  Don’t you think you deserve better?  This situation is a call to action for you, an event that allows you to do some real self-assessment  and clean up all the emotional baggage you’ve been carrying around for so long.

Boundaries declare what we are willing to accept and not in our lives and they define who we are.  Victims have no boundaries and allow people to run over them and then blame others.  They take no responsibility for their own lives.  Heroines declare no to bad behavior from others and claim full responsibility for their lives and their futures.  be a heroine. Rewrite your divorce story from one of victimhood to one of freedom.

You and only you can make the difference in your life.  You get to make choices that will either move you forward or keep you stuck; choices that honor you or harm you; choices that empower you or weaken you.  You get to choose. You and only you,

Take back control of your life.  That’s your answer. Decide on how you want to be treated, how you want to live and take action on those fronts.

Shelley

 

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.

Comments

  1. 1

    says

    You not only have a responsibility to yourself, you have a responsibility to your daughter.

    You can choose to take the high road and when you make that choice you and your daughter both will benefit.

    You do need to set boundaries on what kind of treatment you will accept from him. Doing that does not mean going “crazy” or engaging in physical fights with another person.

    It sounds like no one in this situation has any boundaries. Why don’t you be the first to show some self-respect and let him know you will not accept being treated with anything less than the respect you deserve.

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