Grandparent’s Golden Rules for Blended and Step Families
August 16, 2010 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under Blended & Changing Families, Relationships
Submitted by Shirley Cress Dudley
You and your new love have decided to blend your families. Now it’s time to help your Mom and Dad with some tips on how to respond to your newly blended family.
1- Treat all children the equally and fairly
Treat your step grandkids as if they were all your biological grandchildren. They are waiting and watching to see if you will be fair to all. If your biological grandchildren call you “grandmother”, then invite your new step grandchildren to call you “grandmother.” If you hug your grandchildren when you see them, then hug your step grandchildren, too.
Dispense with the “biological” and “step” labels as soon as you can. Even keeping these labels in your head may cause you to treat your grandchildren unequally.
2- Remember and Recognize Special Days
Acknowledge birthdays, school events, and any other special activities of your new step grandkids. At the beginning of each year mark all special events on the calendar. You may even want to purchase birthday cards or gift cards all at once. That way you are fair to all and don’t forget anyone.
Don’t forget your new daughter or son in law, too. Remembering them with a card on their birthday will help show your support for the marriage. Share information about your family history or family recipes to help your daughter or son (by marriage) feel a part of your family.
3- Express interest in each child
Make time to learn about your new step grandchildren: their activities, friends and hobbies. Figure out what makes each child unique. These endeavors will help you feel more comfortable around them, and help you get to know them.
4- Don’t reminisce about the Past
Your adult child has divorced and moved on to a new marriage. Recalling the good times in their old marriage is not going to help with blending the new marriage. Take the old wedding photos off the wall and put them away in a special album. It’s O.K. to keep these pictures, but do not display the old marriage partners on the wall for everyone to see when they visit you.
5-Listen
When your adult child calls and wants to talk about their frustrating moments in their blended family, but don’t judge or say anything negative that you’ll regret later. It’s very difficult to blend a family and requires a lot of patience. Support your son or daughter as they try their best to be a good parent and spouse in this new blended family.
In conclusion- remember it’s your job to love all of your grandchildren and support your adult child and his/her spouse in their new blended family. It’s a little new and unfamiliar at first, but well worth your efforts. You will have the reward of a bigger family to love you back.
Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful, and her book, Blended Family Advice, has been touted as the ultimate must-read for couples contemplating or undergoing such change.
I have a story to tell which probably has been told before by someone else. I am hoping to receive a little advise as to which direction to take now as I am so confused, hurt and lost. As a little background to the story, both of us don’t consider any of the children as step children nor do we introduce them in that fashion. For this article, I will use step children and my child to make it easier to understand the situation, I hope.
Here is my story…We are a blended family…I was divorced in 1998 with one child , who was in his mid teens. My new husband had two children from a previous marriage who were mid to old teenagers at the time. He divorced in 2000 and we married in Sept of 2001.
The first five years we had our ups and downs but for the most part it was good. My step children remained with the Mom and visited whenever they wished. We set the rules of the house and all the children eventually abided by them. We decided that the children could call us whatever they were comfortable with..me, my first name and the same with my husband. No one ever tried to replace or be a substitute parent. And now we have grandchildren, we are known as Nanny and Poppy to them.
His ex for the first 5 years constantly caused issues between the children and their dad and I was always the bad guy. There was also jealousy about my son having all of their Dad’s time, affection etc. We tried to eliminate that in so many ways but it seemed to always pop back up due to outside interference. It was so bad, we changed our phone number not once but twice. The last 5 years have been much better and we all seemed to have been getting along great. There have been graduations and weddings that we have all attended and we were all civilized to each other. Well we were at least.
Now the other side of the family, for the first years, my mother in law treated all our children the same. Then into the 6th year, she decided after speaking to my step daughter, to take my son’s picture off the wall of fame and not to consider him a grandchild anymore. My mother in law didn’t tell us why she did it, a sister in law informed us of where my son’s picture went and why. In the hopes that the bio grandchildren would visit more often, which by the way they didn’t, plus at that particular time, my son had a child.
For the last 5 years, my mother in law hasn’t included my son in family events. Treated me horrible when we visited. I was informed by a sister in law, when you visit, “don’t say anything, nothing.” For the last 3 years, only the bio grandchildren have visited their grandmother”s. We were not welcomed. We recently found out that the ex wife and her new husband have been visiting with my mother in law with the now adult step children.
This year, there was a large family gathering, where some family members from away have not ever met me or my son. For almost 8 months we had been part of the planning committee and really involved in the gathering and events. My mother in law decided to extend an invitation to the ex, new husband and his family to one particular night and some other events but made it clear that my son was not to attend 3 different functions. She didn’t tell us directly, she had my sister in laws tell us at the last planning meeting. My husband told them all that he made peace with the whole situation years ago and didn’t want to discuss any further with his mother. He also said that she would never change her mind in how she thinks. They begged him to talk to his mother, that he had to talk to her. He said no. At the end of the meeting, we decided that is was important for all our family to be present. We decided that if my son wasn’t attending a function, we wouldn’t attend either. If he wasn’t invited, we weren’t attending.
It ended up that one of our grandchildren (my son’s child) had go see the doctor and they couldn’t attend. We went to the function not knowing he wasn’t attending. During the night, my step nieces, were introducing the ex as Aunt so and so with me standing right there…I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. A sister in law, stood there and said when does the new wife stop. I looked her in the eye and said when the new and old are present, always. that evening was so uncomfortable for everyone in our family. The step children had to choose between their Mom and new step Dad or us. My husband choice to stay in another room away from her and his family to save face. I went between rooms to make sure all were ok. My step daughter arrived with her partner and our new grandchild. My husband at the time, decided to come back in to the main room. At the end of the night, I talked to two of the nieces, one who is a teacher, to explain how unfair the entire evening was for the step children (having to choose their loyalty), my son and my husband. I even went to far as to ask the ex’s new husband when they were leaving as it was getting really uncomfortable for all. He just ignored me.
The in laws made her feel so welcome, that she and the rest of her new in laws stayed the entire night. My husband was so hurt to think his mother and some of his family would segregate his own family. He posted a message, in which none of the sisters replied only the nieces,nephews and my two step children. In one message, we were told that my son is not invited to events because “he causes unpleasant effects on her grandmother, your mother.” The family basically turned against my husband. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and hearing, especially now a days. The event was for my husbands family not for the ex.
Presently, none of my in laws are speaking to me, as per norm, it is all my fault again. I was even accused by my daughter in law publically of posting the message. Which I didn’t do. I think this one may take a really long time for the step children to come back. My son and his wife were so happy they didn’t attend. At the same time, I can see the hurt and so can my husband. I am so disappointed that a family would do something like this…it is horrible!