Ask The Divorce Coach: Trying To Parent With A Broken Heart

Question:

Dear Shelley:

I want to know what steps I should take to get over my anger and hurt so I can be a normal mom again to my two kids.

I was married for nine years and found out shortly after our eighth wedding anniversary that he was cheating.  My anger lies in the fact that for nine years he told me he would never hurt my family like his dad did to him and his mother, but that was indeed what he did.  In the last year, he has become engaged, moved into a new home with this woman, and, although he states he wants a better relationship with his two children, he habitually fails to show for his weekends or steps up to help with their rearing in anyway.  

I’ve had to become the sole provider, parent, and support for my kids and I’m falling apart.  I’m tired all the time, cry all the time, have to put on a happy face to get through work, and have no support system whatsoever.  My parents are both deceased and I feel so completely alone.  I can barely keep myself going but I have to parent two emotionally stressed children who don’t understand why any of this has happened.  

I can’t let go of the anger I feel towards my ex –  I literally would cheer if he were struck by a truck because that would mean he were no longer a stress in my life and I might just be able to move on.  Please help! I don’t know where else to go.  Sure my friends offer, but they just don’t know what I’m really going through.  

Nina

Answer:

Dear Nina,

Where do I start?  I think that the feeling that we trusted our partners wholeheartedly only to discover our trust was misplaced is overwhelming.  It’s all about ‘unenforceable expectations’.  We hold core beliefs about what we think life should look like and how people should be.  We believe in trust, honesty, integrity.  We believe that a Father should be there for his children.  We believe that an ex should step up to the plate, offer both financial and emotional support and accept responsibility.  All good beliefs.  Our beliefs lead us to expect certain behavior from others as well as expectations about life. The problem is…people do not always live up to our expectations and do not hold the same beliefs.  An unenforceable expectation is one that we cannot enforce, we cannot control.  That is what you have right now.

What we cannot control we must let go of.  Otherwise we eat ourselves up alive.  It is probably the most important lesson we will be gifted with in this life.  You cannot control his actions or the way he thinks.  You have to learn to let that all go.  You have to learn to accept ‘what is’ versus what you think ‘should be’. What is…that’s reality.  

It’s all about you now.  You must take care of yourself.  You must do the things that will alleviate the effects of all this stress or you will break down.  Exercise!  It is the number one antidote to stress.  Look into a yoga class.  Take time for yourself.  Eat well and get sleep. Offer yourself the same nurturing and compassion that you offer your kids.

Get support!  Go to meetup.com and find a divorce support group in your area.  Go to your clergyman if that works for you.  Talk to a professional.

You are ceding control of your life to him by allowing him to continue to control how you feel.  Take back control of your life by claiming full responsibility for it.   You are the only one who can truly make the changes that will allow you to let go and move on in your life. 

There are deep life lessons and wisdom to be gleaned from this life experience that will help you in the future. What have you learned about yourself?  What are you willing to accept and not accept in your future?

You are still in a grieving period so go easy on yourself.  This too shall pass.  Your future might just be better then your past!

Regards,

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.