Ask The Divorce Coach: Bouts of Anger Still Remain
September 5, 2010 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under Coping, Grief & Anger, shellystile
Question:
Dear Shelley,
I have been divorced for one year and I am getting better – I work, meditate, exercise, and am friends with my ex-husband. But sometimes I feel very angry at him. For example: I couldn’t afford to keep our family home, and when I went looking for a new apartment or house to rent, I kept comparing them to the wonderful home I and the children use to live in.
It just surprises me how overwhelming the anger can be sometimes and I need to know if this is normal. After all, I don’t hate my ex. I know in a divorce there is always two sides and it is both of our faults.
Also, I don’t know if this is healthy or not but sometimes I go to breakfast with him. We just talk; like I said, I don’t hate him. What are your thoughts on this?
Thanks for your advice.
Liz
Answer:
Dear Liz,
Try changing your perspective. Look for what might be right versus what is wrong. Create a gratitude list…a list of all the things you do have versus what you don’t have. Learn to count your blessings and know that life is made up of phases, changes. If you are prone to comparisons (which, by the way, always ends up in bad feelings) try comparing your life to those that are far less unfortunate and realize that you have everything that you need.
Let go of the past. There is no bringing it back. It simply does not exist anymore. It keeps you stuck and won’t allow you to move on. Learn to accept what is versus what you think should be. “Should be’s” are a fantasy. Life is exactly what it is supposed to be right now…if it was supposed to be any other way then it would be!
Having breakfast with your ex is fine as long as it doesn’t push any emotional buttons…for you or him! It is admirable that you two have managed to stay friends. If your meetings with him bring on any negative emotions then you might want to reconsider.
You have one precious life to live and anytime spent in resentment or bitterness is taking away your life.
Best of luck.
Shelley
Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.
Hi Shelley,
I am at the start of the divorce process. My husband and I have been together for about 20 years. He is living and working in another country, I am in the UK where there is no future economically for our 2 children who are 16 and 17 and hoping to get into university in the country he is in, (in a year or two). This leaves me in the UK alone! I am going to loose my 2 children forever it seems. I am the one who has brought them up daily, he has always worked away and is very much, and has always been a ‘Disney dad.’
I feel so devastated knowing that they will surely end up living their futures in another country with their future spouses and my future grandchildren.
I don’t earn much money, and am currently working eating sleeping and being mum and dad to them. I guess I could go and live in that future country, but I really doubt that I’ll be able to afford it at the time. Also, what if I do meet another man here? I won’t be able to just ‘up-sticks’ and leave him (hypothetical I know).
I just feel like dying to be honest. I’ve had enough of it all! I’m exhausted and just scraping by financailly in a dead-end village. I guess you’ll tell me that children fly, and I really know that, and I’m happy for them to go to another country … it’s just the permanance of it .. and the fact that he will have a future with them (and a potential new partner of his) and I’ll have nothing.
What can I do?
Thanks, Andrea
Hi Andrea – Though my divorce situation was different than yours in that my kids were very young, I can relate to the enormity of the fears you’re experiencing. I left the workforce to stay at home and raise my kids while my ex-husband worked out of town in a job that paid very well.
I know how crippling the fear is when all we’ve loved comes loose at the seams and the future appears so unknown. But now that I’m a few years down the road, I can tell you that most of those fears haven’t come true. That fear had a purpose – to help me grieve and develop an action plan for my life – MY life – that in itself was something I needed time to wrap my head around as my existence and purpose was defined by the kids/him.
It’s the baby steps we make at this time that give us hope – looking into employment, taking a skills upgrade, dreaming, meditating, joining a business networking group – and hope is a powerful motivator. Your worst fears have NOT come true and the FACT is that you don’t know for sure that if your imaginings will transpire. So take care of yourself, take control of what you can, and each day focus on a baby step.
Your life isn’t over Andrea, just your marriage is. A new stage is yours to create and enter, even though the grief and fear might have you resisting it at present.