Are You Content on Your Own Since Your Divorce?
September 22, 2010 by Cathy Meyer
Filed under dailyplate, Evolution, Identity, Living Alone, Towards magnificence, Wellbeing, Wisdom Gained
Submitted by: Big Little Wolf
A few days ago, I spent a few hours with a woman I’m just getting to know. We sat at her kitchen table, chatting about a little of this and a little of that. Of course we talked about our children. She has two teen girls about the same age as my teen boys. In fact, they attend the same school.
What else did we have in common?
We’re the same age, we’ve been divorced the same number of years, we’re both professionals – and we’ve both experienced single parenting after unexpected layoffs.
We sipped our Côtes du Rhône, nibbled on stuffed olives, and we talked about men. But for all our commonalities, there were clear differences.
“The three of us work,” she explained, referring to herself and her daughters as a cohesive family unit. “I never wanted to bring someone else into that mix, and throw things off.”
I understood where she was coming from. My children have always been my priority, and I make no bones about that. They were still little when I divorced, and as a single mother I never wanted to be the revolving door. I had a friend who was exactly that, and I watched what it did to her kids over the years. I wanted my boys to have stability.
And then my hostess said, “I’m content not dating. I don’t really miss men.”
She seemed genuine in her remarks, and I found myself baffled and envious at the same time. Sexual desire doesn’t disappear at 40 or 50 or 60 for that matter. It remains a vital part of life, for some of us more than others. And the fact is, while I’m comfortable alone, I am not content, and I do miss men.
But it’s more than wanting a man in my bed. I’d like a man in my life – knowing full well that any man won’t do.
What about you? Are you content in your own? Is a life without a man a blessing, a curse, or something in between?
© D A Wolf / BigLittleWolf.
These days, Big Little Wolf (”Ms. Big”) reflects on life and her Daily Plate of Crazy, where she writes essays on everything – sometimes serious, sometimes fun – whatever strikes her on a given day as interesting, unusual, entertaining, or of concern.
I’m content not dating too, and I don’t miss men either. I especially don’t miss the lying, cheating dog to whom I was married.
My mother was divorced 25 years ago after a long, stressful marriage. She’s perfectly content and dating is not something that crosses her mind, ever. She has a nice circle of friends to see when she wants to hike, swim, see movies, or go out to dinner. She volunteers for local charities. She has 11 grandchildren to go and visit in three different states. She’s always been a great reader and theatergoer.
She lives a very enjoyable life. I can see myself being exactly like her.
I had a friend tell me when my marriage first ended that I would date the young guys (I did as the first man – and looking back, I use the term loosely – I dated was 12 years younger than I was) and I would date older guys (this I didn’t really do). Then, I would find someone that I wanted in my life. Well, I didn’t get quite that far.
I decided, after three years of dating and none of these men meeting my kids, that I didn’t want to do this anymore. I stopped dating and worked on my career and on being a mom to six. I didn’t date anyone for nine years. Now, I have started seeing people again. I am not content to not date. I was when it was just too hard to fit that in my life. Now I like going out.
I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t miss having a man in my life. That isn’t say though that I can’t be happy without a man in my life. Some days it feels like a need, some it feels like a want. I will say that my life will be satisfying whether I’m ever in a relationship again. I might not be totally content but who is?
I have a man in my life. He’s 15 now. It’s a pleasure to watch him grow into a well-rounded, thoughtful guy. If I do my job right, he’ll spread his wings and fly in three years. When he goes, our house will get really girly, with just me and his younger sister left in the nest. But that’s fine, too.
What do you miss about having a man in your life? I miss the man I thought my husband was; it’s as if he died and left a callous, cold ghost in his place. But I’m not interested in that ghost or any other man for that matter.
I, too, have gone for long periods without dating at all – where parenting and making a buck filled 18 hours day, every day, and that was certainly all I could handle!
But I will say that about 3 years after my divorce I realized how much I missed men – not my ex – but the pleasure of men in my life as friends and a special man as a lover. That was when I began to date – occasionally any way – and had one or two relationships. Life being what it is (crazy busy, filled with challenges), I really haven’t dated in some time. I miss it. I miss everything about loving a man who loves me back – the pleasure of his scent, his voice, his different way of viewing the world, shared pleasure in all areas, including the bedroom.
I’ve always enjoyed men. I’m glad the fact that my marriage ended didn’t change that.
Ladies, anyone who says they prefer not to have a man in their life is lying! Sorry. No different for men saying they don’t care to have a women in his life. It is the process that you don’t want. Tell me what is so bad about snuggling up on the sofa at night watching a good movie with your man? Waking up to spooning and then half asleep moving onto to more intimacy
Tell me you hate the small talk and the search for the right guy, I’ll buy it. Prefer not to have a man………..bull.
Just my humble opinion
Barry sorry to tell you this but no I am not lying when I say I do not want a man in my life. I have been divorced for 7 years now and I have not had a boyfriend since. Sure i have dated in the past but that got old. I love my independence and do not want to give it up. Men have been a big disappointment to me and I do not trust them. I have 3 kids and have no desire to add a 4th child to the mix. I am still young (33 yo) and i love how my life is right now. I am in the best shape of my life and do not want someone demanding my time that i spend in the gym. Maybe in the future I will reconsider, but for now this works for me. And I do not miss cuddling…its been so long I forgot what that was like and I want to keep it that way. When I do have a male friend I do not sleep over at there place which usually makes them mad. Since i do not trust men i can not sleep in there presence. When they get mad I do not go back. Its actually nice to see other women who feel the same way.
Bobbie, I think it’s wonderful that you are genuinely happy where you’re at right now – and I think it’s inspiring to others because so often people think that without a partner, they’re missing something huge in their lives. But like you said, you’re open to it happening ‘one day’, and you’ll get there when you’re ready.
I think what Barry is pointing out (and I’m guilty of this too) is that sometimes we have to be careful that we aren’t simultaneously building walls around ourselves; our self-protection mode also blocks out opportunities at the happiness that come from a serious relationship. I’m not saying you or I go around with a huge defence shell on – it’s that I often still catch myself saying/thinking “I don’t want to be hurt” or “Men can’t be trusted”. I can’t think those things AND be open to a relationship at the same time as they conflict.
I try to say to myself every day that I’m ‘open’ and that there are many wonderful men out there. I also find myself smiling and remembering more often the good things that come with a relationship. Oh, it still scares the bejesus out of me – and it’s not that I need it RIGHT now. But two people being in love – loving in a way that perhaps you and I haven’t experienced yet – is a magicificent thing…or so I hope and believe.
Reading this, I remembered back to elementary school where some people started dating in grade two, while others waited until closer to adolescence. It made me realize different people have varying needs for partner intimacy, and no one should have to justify where they feel happiest.
Being single, I love my freedom and independence. I do what I want, when I want, and I don’t need to consult with anyone else on satisfying my needs. When I observe happily partnered women, it seems so many of them spend a lot of time babysitting their men: trying to figure out his moods, appease him or convince him to do something (either chores or social activities). At the same time, a lot of these women tell me they think this is normal, and lots of guys seem to expect this dynamic in a relationship too! Doing this on a regular basis just seems like an emotionally draining waste of my time, and feels a bit too much like game playing for my taste.
Another part is sharing mutually enjoyable leisure activities. I’m not a jock, don’t drink much, or watch sports or television, because all of these bore me to tears. Lack of participation in these activities pretty much rules out 90% of dating opportunities with men. Based on my observations of married women I know, lots of them bemoan how little they get to go dancing, attend concerts, or whatever turns their crank, because hubby is not interested and they don’t want to go without him. It may be the relational preferences I initially mentioned; I don’t need an sexual partner’s company to enjoy socializing, personally or for status.
I think Barry is underestimating the ability to get physical touch needs met. If I just want cuddling, I much prefer my dog to just picking up any man for the purpose! There’s also massage if I want human touch.
Sex drive is probably another factor. What would be really nice is if it was just acceptable to be who you are sexually without social criticism. For those with lots of drive, play safe and enjoy it. For those on the quieter end of the spectrum, that’s ok too. No one’s sex drive is necessarily a phase or dysfunction just because it’s different from normal, whatever that is!
Personally, I think I win either way – if I do decide to be in a relationship, it’s mutually satisfying. If not, I am not feel like I am left out or deprived.
I am a mother of 6 and been going through a divorce for over 2 and one half years. He has been cruel and not the man I married. I do miss having a partner but if that is not in the cards for me then I will try to do the best with the gifts my life has to offer. I feel I will meet the right man when I am ready and not desperate or looking.
It sounds like you have your hands full, Anne. I agree with you – focusing on the gifts we have in our lives is the way to go.
I’m in a very different place (my own slow and painful legal process has been some years now). But I remember all too well where you are – though I didn’t have so many kids to care for.
It is a terrible thing when you no longer recognize the person you once joined in marriage, and with whom you had children. I hope you have friends and family providing their support and love.
Sending you all my good thoughts.
Some really insightful comments. The point about having family and/or friends to provide love and support is critical after a divorce. This can make all the difference in our “healing” and particularly having someone who can really “hear” us , without the advise and judgement .
Re being happily single, many people really struggle with that one.I certainly have done post my divorce. However it might sound cliched , but it is true , that its better in the long term to spend time ‘healing’ ourselves , post divorce , to nurture and develop new friends and interests- and get to a point where we are comfortable in our own skin again. Once we are at this point we can make better judgements about meeting another potential partner. Having said that , having someone nice to cuddle up to is kind of nice too!
i think woman got divorced with man he need more care of her parents and her friends i say’s all woman if anybody help me i am always ready to help divorced women