Ask The Divorce Coach: No Longer Connected

Question:

Dear Shelley,

I have been married for four years. It is my first marriage and his second.  He continually says things to me like, “this ship has sailed”, “you and I don’t connect at all” and “our marriage is failing 100% because of you.”  So I tell him I want to work out an amicable separation, but then he just clams up, refuses to resolve anything, and tells me he wants me to stay.

My question to you is:  If he has so much to say about my shortcomings and no longer feels a connection between us, then why does he avoid talking about divorce? It’s like a push-pull situation.  I feel I’ve been left no room to fix anything.

Cathy

Answer:

Dear Cathy:

Have the two of you attempted counselling?  There is obviously a huge communication gap between the two of you.  Do you want to work on this marriage?  Does he?  Is his inability to communicate something new or is it, as I suspect, something that has been going on for a longer time?

No one person is ever 100% at fault in a marriage’s problems.  Never. There are two people in a marriage and therefore there are two people responsible. Each of you is fully responsible for your actions and your marriage.  To place all the so-called blame on one person is to be a victim and victims are powerless.

If you cannot talk about this, if either of you is unwilling or unable to do some deep self-assessment, then you need to consider what your options are.  Marriage, like any other successful endeavour in life, takes work and effort and if one of you is unable to make that commitment then it seems like it is time to move on.

Shelley

Shelley Stile is an ACC certified Divorce Recovery Life Coach and author who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and move on to create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley has been through her own divorce so she knows first-hand about the journey of divorce recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com.