The Passive Aggressive Man: He is All About Control

Comments

1. Sarah says:

   September 11, 2011 at 5:16 pm

   I was married to a passive aggressive man for 10 years – conversation, emotional support and sexual pleasure – it was all about him and nothing for me. After ten years of not being heard, of not being listened to even in minor day to day conversations, I went through a four day period where I got no sleep at all, I wanted to just find someone and TALK TALK TALK, because of so starved of being heard, I heard felt as if it would explode from the frustration of ten long years of being silenced -mercifully I cried at the end of those four days, it was frightening to hear myself cry that bad, it was the worst kind of bawling that you could hear from a human being, I was just so frustrated from ten long years of being silenced. I was sexually starved for ten long years and this was my twenties so my hormones were raging. I was emotionally starved for ten long years. I was starved of human touch, I am a very warm and open person, I need to be touched everyday. He hardly touched me for months and even then it was rarely with affection or intimacy. I was starved, starved of human touch. I feel WORTHLESS, I was trying very hard to make a happy life for myself but all my efforts failed, it was only after divorce when one day I read Cathy Meyer’s article that I realized that I was meant to fail, he defined his success in life by his ability to make me fail in mine.
   I am free now. But the problem is his behavior has done a number on my selfesteem – I feel absolutely worthless, I feel like I am nothing more than object that exists to serve men, by listening to their endless drivel, getting them off sexually and taking care of them emotionally, while getting ASBOLUTELY NOTHING in return. I just cant seem to get my selfesteem back. Somebody help me! How did you ladies deal with this?
   Feeling utterly worthless!
   Sarah
2. jeni says:

   September 16, 2011 at 6:37 pm

   This article describes my soon-to-be ex to a T. A year and a half ago, he told me he had an affair, that he was in love with other girl (I say girl, she’s 22 to his 32). But it was all my fault! I filed for divorce last year, and later withdrew it because he told me he really wanted to work on things. I later found out, that the same day I withdrew the petition, he had this girl over to my house for dinner! So, almost a year later, I have finally come to my senses and filed again! The final straw: we went about 3 months with no sex, and one night I was done with waiting. So, I initiated it, and he just layed there and told me to “please myself” while he slept! This should not be normal. It acually makes me feel better to read this article stating that PA men withhold sex. At least it’s not just me. He has also ignored my birthday and our anniversary for the last 4 years (we’ve only been married 4 years), and refuses to share anything with me. He blames me for his lack of friends, even though I encourage him to go out with his friends all the time.

   All I can say, I’m glad I finally came to my senses. Now I just have to wait a few weeks until we can afford to stop living together. Thanks for listing to my rant!
3. KAREN CURRIER says:

   September 21, 2011 at 4:38 am

   I am losing my mind,and hope that my marriage is going to last.Matter of fact when I verbalized to my husband today that I am running out of ideas to try when it comes to approaching him without being verbally assulted and mentally shattered his answer was it’s not going to work ever???What ?? should have known when we woke up this morning he offered to take me to get a haircut that ive been needing without being asked that should have been the first sign to retreat.instead i got dressed he works from 5 to 2am so our time together is very limited as i have a 15 year old daughter and he avoids any us time at all costs,anyways we hadnt even made it to the truck when it started …small comments about things our condo lacks all of which have not been purchased because of his controlling money and shopping,i made the mistake of saying we need to have sex more than we need anything ,it was meant to be playful,suggestive,never the less very serious ,as he withholds any affection ,sex unless he wants it.anyways i am rambling the reaction i got was not close to what i expected,its been my experience in the past that making a request for sex ranks at the top of guys things to do and if you are requesting it they are tickled pink..not Dan ,I became the rudest,strangest,out of line person he knows,and because i ask is why i dont get to have it.when I asked him what he meant by because i asked he changed the statement to its how i ask,IS IT ME OR IS THERE SOMETHING GROSSLEY WRONG WITH YOUR HUSBAND TELLING YOU WE DONT HAVE SEX AND I DONT SHOW AFFECTION BECAUSE YOU DONT DESERVE IT,AND WHEN YOU ASK IT HAS TO BE HIS WAY??? WE ARRIVED AT HAIRCUT STORE AND I WANTED OUT OF THAT TRUCK NOW,BEFORE I GOT OUT I SAID YOU ARE A VERY MEAN AND COLD PERSON …WELL YOUR A BITCH HE EXCLAIMED!! IN TEARS I APOLOGIZED FOR EVER ASKING FOR HIS AFFECTION AND PROMISED IT WOULDNT HAPPEN AGAIN I HEADED TWORDS THE DOOR OF THE HAIRCUT PLACE HIM FOLLOWING BEHIND BECAUSE LORD KNOWS HE DOESNT WALK NEXT TO ME ANYMORE.AS I START TO OPEN DOOR I LOOK BACK AND HE IS GETTING IN TRUCK ,THIS MEANT ONE THING IM NOT GETTING MY HAIRCUT,HE CONTROLS ALL SPENDING ALL SHOPPING MY HEART SUNK I HAD BEEN NEEDING ONE FOR MONTHS …THATS WHY IT WAS THE PERFECT WAY TO HURT ME ,I NEED HELP I LIVE IN SAN DIEGO HAVE A 15 YEAR OLD GIRL,NO JOB,HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA,OR CAR AND THE ONLY INCOME IS SSI CHECK MY DAUGHTER GETS BECAUSE HER FATHER DIED.THIS IS JUST TODAYS BULL,WHAT DO I DO
4. JoANNE says:

   October 4, 2011 at 3:46 pm

   My husband of 33+ years has been seeing strippers/prostitutes for the past 10 or 15 years. He cannot remember how long? He doesn’t want to go to counselling, and said that he has needs that I am not fulfilling, and it’s all my fault. It means nothing to him, and is only sex. It think it is a “control” thing with him. Our sex life was horrible, and it was never “love” making as they say, just an act, and always felt wrong and dirty. I was abused as a child and I think the reason we are not intimate anymore, is he reminds me of my abuser. A middle aged, disgusting pervert. He is a Director in a company, and often attends these men’s clubs with co-workers and business associates. I believe he must have the reputation as the pervert in the industry. Is it not embarassing to have a woman perform sexual acts on you in public? I find I look at him, and he is a complete stranger. I am getting professional counselling, and all my friends and family tell me to leave him, but financially I cannot, and have not income. I am truly at a loss, and each day is a struggle. My doctor prescribed lorazapam, but I find it makes me drousy and I cannot function the next day. I don’t know what he wants from the marriage and what to do. I should also mention, he has a real crush on a co-worker who reports to him. She confides in him on all her personal problems, it’s a blackberry relationship. He is on the BB24/7. He also has no friends out of work, and doesn’t see his family either. He is surrounded by “yes” men and women and people who tell him what he wants to hear. Does anyone out there have any advice, and please not the common Leave the Loser ….I know that is what I must do at some point…..
5. Tiffany says:

   October 19, 2011 at 6:23 pm

   I have been with my now ex BF for 11 years off and on. Every time we broke up, its routine, I wouldn’t hear from him for months. He has now (3 weeks ago) decided to take his things and leave while I was at work because we have been arguing since August. The only way to communicate with him now is via email because he threw his phone and broke it, now he got a new one and won’t give me the number. He has called me all types of names, he slapped me in my face, he got upset when I called my parents to let them know what was going on. He wants me to feel guilty that my family is here and his isn’t. He does things that are extremely malicious, at times I tell him that he is the epitome of the devil. Then when I bring these things to his attention he says that I like to cause drama and that I am a drama queen. He slept with his own brother’s girlfriend and denies it to this day eventhough she admitted it. Every time I try to talk to him no matter what time of day it is, it is always the wrong time and he doesn’t have time or doesn’t want to hear it. I went through this relationship with no voice because every time I spoke I was “causing trouble”. He was very secretive with me and always wanted to keep me in the dark. I have put myself in debt so that we could have things because he messed up his credit. I went out and bought a new car just to give him mine that was paid for because he didn’t have one and he said I did it for me. Nothing was ever good enough. I put my name on everything and to no avail. We very seldom had sex after the first few years and I have felt for so long like I am unattractive because he rarely showed interest but I am not, I am extremely attractive and in the past have received many compliments from guys on a daily basis. Then he would complain that I don’t do more things sexually with him but I stopped because when I would try, he would belittle it or brush it off. But he has surely brought my self esteem down. I have been suicidal because he has made me feel so low and as if everything that we go through is my fault. As if I am arguing or picking on him just to hear myself speak but it was the furthest from the truth. This guy would do things and make it seem like it was my imagination and that he hasn’t done anything at all. Everything that I do is my fault and everything he did, he did it “because of me”. Which makes those things my fault also. He has driven me crazy. I am like a zombie now. I don’t smile, I’m depressed, I’m constantly stressed at work. I can’t function. I hate my life and I don’t see recovery eventhough I know it will happen, I feel so bad that happiness just doesn’t seem possible. I have wasted so much time and wanted to be the one to change him but he never changed. Now he left me because I called my parents because he slapped me so nevermind the fact that he slapped me but his words to me were ” I hurt him by calling my parents and it must be nice to have family to call”. How is this my fault, this is crazy. He is crazy. Then he left with no closure, he left while I was at work, just came and packed his things and left. How could you do that to someone after 11 years??? Don’t I mean anything to this guy?????????? This has got to be one of the worst type of relationships that a person can endure. I’m sad that things went this way I’m even mad that he left, but I think that has more to do with not having any closure and it made me feel even more worthless…but I’m glad it’s over. I truly am. I can’t wait to be completely over him. Now this time, he says he is never coming back. I hope he never attempts it because now that I know what this is….I can’t believe I fell for it for this long. I can believe that there are more people out there in the world that are like this. Now if it happens, I think I will be able to see it from a mile away and I will RUN!!!! I hate myself for dealing with this for so exremely long. I am afraid to date now. I plan to be single for many years to come. I hope I’m wrong, I hope I find the right one but until then, no way.
6. amelie says:

   October 22, 2011 at 2:32 pm

   I am divorcing my PA husband of 18 years. Went trough the whole cycle of guilt, feeling I was the problem, trying so hard , being told and thinking I was crazy and so on. Now I understand why life was so tiring and difficult. His PA behaviour put our family in extremely difficult situations. Divorce is the only solution. My only regrets are
   1- to have had children with such a destructive individual
   2- to not have had the confidence to leave him years and years ago.
   3- to have let this horrible person emotionally manipulate me and make
   The worse is that this individual has no sense whatsoever of what his problem is.
7. Rahel says:

   October 25, 2011 at 3:38 pm

   @JoANNE:

   I think you should go back to school. You need to focus on you, finding something that you like to do that gets you out of the house and can make you some money. What skills do you currently have? If he is not saying he wants a divorce now, then start working on yourself. Hopefully it will improve your self esteem, and enable you to be more independent, so that you can leave him when you are ready.
   Best of luck!
8. Melanie says:

   November 7, 2011 at 1:35 am

   My father has been a PA since the day i was born. My mom is stuck with him unfortunately too and she is jus miserable. He locks himself away and does not deal with anything but makes my mom out to be the crazy one. He is like a child. He wont commit to anything or do anything and nothing is ever his fault because he will justify everything wiith some illogical answer. Its incredibly troubling and he will never seek mental help.
9. Katie says:

   November 15, 2011 at 9:35 am

   All I can say is I’m so glad I found this website. I thought I was going bat shit crazy for years.
10. Louis Clichot says:

    November 18, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    I’m not so sure I agree, Cathy, that passive aggressives will never change. Just because “they have to recognize the behavior and how destructive it is to the relationship and it has been my experience that few are willing to admit to being the problem” doesn’t mean that they can’t be led to see their own behavior’s consequences. It’s just hard. But what things in life worth doing aren’t hard?

    My friend is going through a passive aggressive marriage and we’ve been collaborating on finding resources to help her through it. Her coach recommend a book that actually seems to be working for her and her husband, although I wouldn’t say it’s been easy (we downloaded it from http://passiveaggressivetest.com/StopPANow/). It helps that it’s the first book I’ve seen that’s actually written for him and not her. My friend’s coach has had male PA clients learn to recognize their own behavior, too – so don’t give up if the relationship is important!
11. de anna says:

    December 22, 2011 at 9:29 pm

    I was looking online for what was wrong with me…why was I so hard to live with…I have spent the last 14yrs thinking if I could do this or that he would love me more be more interested in me not work so much or b too tired to have sex…my pastor even told me I had to make him want to come home…so I tried… I gave up I let things go…but still there was just this need to figure out why I was so hard to live with why he made so many mean comments that he was just kidding about when I talked in private to people they couldnt belive it…he was not the man I married…he was not the father figure AT ALL THAT I HAD FELL FOR…In fact he was mean to my son…but I made excuses because my son was sooo hard to handle…when I found the info on passive aggression I cried so hard…because years that I couldnt put my finger on what I had been doing wrong was there in front of me…even now as I write this I still question is it me…I had a complete breakdown 2xs in the past six yrs…I have felt so guilty…if only I could get it together…there is so much crap that I could write a novel…yet I still question myself…it really could b me because I know he works hard he worries about the bills and he goes to church…yet just today he made the coment that he was buying some tools that he buys the same crap every six months he said its his money and he’ll spend it the way he wants…did I mention I dont work…and he has! to work overtime alot…whats wrong with me why am I so damaged and hard to live with
12. Lynn says:

    January 10, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    I’m married to one of these. My husband admits he is passive aggressive, but he sometimes will even use it as an excuse for his behavior. Sometimes I have to wonder if he likes being that way.

    Here’s how he fits into the list:

    1. Withholds tο Punish: Hе ѕауѕ one thing bυt means another.

    …and if I don’t know what he means, despite him saying something other than what he means, then it’s my fault for not knowing what he meant.

    2. Fears Conflict:

    He often walks away and locks himself in the bathroom and never addresses the problem again, which never gets solved, or even validated.

    3. Plays Thе Victim:

    This is the one thing that drives me the most crazy – whenever he does the wrong thing, he has this way of trying to make it seem like I’m the one who should be apologizing. It really is frustrating. Example – I catch him in a lie, he turns it around as if it is my fault that he chose to lie.

    4. Iѕ Forgetful: “Mу ex used tο forget hе needed something frοm mе until thе last minute. If thеrе wаѕ a social event related tο hіѕ work, I wουld gеt notice thе day before. I spent a lot οf time running around trying tο prepare frοm something іn a few hours thаt wουld normally take days.”

    The quote above fits him perfectly – this same exact thing has happened with us. I’m supposed to remember everything (and do everything for that matter), while he is exempt from remembering and/or doing anything. He plays it off like his forgetfulness is just the norm, and I should be happy if he remembers anything at all – either that, or he blames me for him forgetting.

    I remember one time I asked him to do something, and he asked me when I needed it done, and I said immediately, and he said okay. Some time later, we were discussing it (because he didn’t do the thing he said he would do), and he said “if you wanted it done right away, you should have said I need it done immediat…” then he stopped mid-sentence, because he realized that I DID say immediately, so he changed the direction of the conversation, and came up with a different excuse that absolved him of responsibility (as with #3 above).

    5. Iѕ Afraid οf Yου: Not sure about this one, but he never initiates intimacy. Never. I’ll just leave it at that.

    There are so many examples I could give, but I’m sure anyone who has experienced someone like this is well aware how the story goes. It really is a test of my resolve – I’m wondering how long my sanity will hold up.
13. Jason says:

    January 17, 2012 at 6:24 am

    Hi,
    I came across this site when i was researching passive aggressive. After I married my girlfriend recently,things got bad and i can’t understand why she is angry alot of the time. Erm i never really write on message boards/internet and anything of the sort so this is a bit awkward.
    I don’t know..i read what you ladies have been through and i feel so terribly guilty; i now realize it’s mostly me. It’s like I bought the worst out of her.
    Again i read all the posts above and can not believe the extent of damage such behaviour can cause.. I do want to try and change. I love her very much and she has been always good to me and us.
    I dont know where to start though..how exactly do you change a habit of a life time. Part of me thinks it’s too late and to save her I should let her go for her sake. Another part of me is trying so hard..what the hell happened to all that love? is it meant to be this hard? Can it be that sometimmes it’s just to late?…
14. Kamerin says:

    January 30, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    I have been married for a year and five months now, and for the first whole year I was terribly suicidal (and I couldn’t sleep but a couple two choppy hours a day, for three years). For the last five months, I have found enough contentment in my marriage by having very low expectations of my husband and really good mind-reading skills…as you mentioned in your article.

    I grew up in an emotionally abusive household, and so I actually spotted my husband’s actions much before marriage but couldn’t trust my convictions on it. The weird thing is, I didn’t even want to get married to him. I think that former abuse victims do most definitely attract to abusers. I was afraid of doing what was right though, and moving on from the kind of lifestyle I was so used to. I needed the acceptance of a passive aggressive person..and I believed I could get it if I just met the expectations silently presented by them.

    During the dating stage, my husband broke up with me after seven months of dating because I was too needy, I did not captivate him, and because we were going different paths. The weird thing is, I actually felt smothered by him and he seemed overly captivated by me, and we had actually gotten together because of our similar paths in life. A year and a half later, after flirting with two of my closest friends and showing up all the time at a place where I worked.. he got back together with me. Ever since then (actually, ever since he showed up at my work place), my sleep was awful, and I was depressed and aching inside all the time but could never quite put a finger on it. He never took responsibility for anything in our relationship, like he said he wanted to.

    Everyday now, I doubt what is actually going on and whether or not I am the abuser myself in the marriage.

    If it wasn’t for this article, I would have gone insane. No article I have found has touched on my husband’s behavior like this one.
15. Kamerin says:

    January 30, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    In answer to Jason: Passive-aggressive behavior can build such a distrust in a woman, that to break down the wall is virtually impossible. This is what I have learned from my experience.

    But if you go to God on the matter, then He may direct you otherwise.

    Blessings
16. Kat says:

    January 30, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    I was living with a male friend for about six months who strangely had a girlfriend of 5 yrs, had lived with her and they decided that they couldn’t live together so now lived apart. I thought it was strange but never really questioned it. He never really said she was abusive but it was implied; I felt sorry for him as she had actually physically abused him and she broke his belongings (this had been witnessed by his friends). Their relationship ended and we started seeing each other. His ex is now in counselling; she really does seem like she is the crazy one like he implies. I don’t justify what she did but now I can understand why.
    He was everything i have ever dreamed of, I really liked the person he was and I fell for him over a long period but it was weird. I fell in love with him hard and It felt like it was a big haze at first.
    After a while the problems set in and I found that he would never deal with things. He would walk away from me when I was talking to him about anything serious, completely ignore me and stare into his computer. He puts me down subtly, using jokes, even in front of my friends a couple of times, but when i confront him he tells me to lighten up as it is only a joke. I have to initiate nearly all of the conversation and when i ask for his opinion he says ‘I dunno’ A LOT. When I do talk about things he will either openly say that what I’m saying isn’t interesting or that I should read his body language that he is bored and that is often. He is a very smart but quiet guy and also quite young and I know he has had a troubled past.
    I knew something was wrong a while ago but as I have had problems myself in the past I feared that I was loosing a grasp on reality. I have felt myself get so unbelievably angry and aggressive, I’ve shouted and screamed at him (also being abusive), never truly understanding why as he will twist it back onto to me. It is always my fault but he will never ever say that directly. He has never truly apologised for anything. I really thought i was starting to go crazy before I found this site, you know something is wrong but you can never truly put your finger on it.
    On the other side of the coin he is amazing, he bought me the most amazing birthday present and tells me I look good even when I don’t, he is sensual and loving and never denies me of anything out of punishment except open communication. It seems impossible for him to have a conversation with me, it’s always about having a laugh. He has been really cruel a couple of times when I have been low and needed support and he told me it was just just a joke.
    I truly believe that he has never learnt to deal with negative feelings and he just represses them, I think he is insecure and terrified of rejection. As soon as we get very close and intimate he will destroy it for the fear that I will get too close to him and hurt him, underneath he is genuinely very sensitive and I think this is his defence mechanism.
    Has anyone on here been successful in healing their relationship? I know their are people that have managed to heal Co-dependent, narcissistic relationships as the Co-dependent also has work to do in setting boundaries etc. Thanks:)
17. Kat says:

    January 30, 2012 at 5:23 pm

    Also want to say thank’s to Jason for being honest. I would be very interested in hearing things from your perspective to gain understanding if ever you want to share:)
18. Joanna says:

    February 1, 2012 at 11:57 pm

    Omg, that is my husband exactly! I call him a “Mind Ninja”, I am so unhappy & he tries to always make it seem I am crazy
19. PA EX SouthEAST says:

    February 2, 2012 at 12:21 am

    Kat – I certainly identify with your point about push pull. He would make grandiose and (key word) FOCUSED leaps of admissions of love and missing me after I enacted no contact from one of his PA abuse. If I took him back the disconnect was almost immediate.

    He was unmarried without kids until mid 40s. Divorced within a yr. or so.

    PA men IMO, are in desperate need of love and support. But the conundrum appears to lie within their inability to mutually & reciprocally connect in a sincere relationship. Its like trying to fill a bottomless, heartless pit. You try to be perfect for them and they never notice you until you leave. There is no connection at all. I would look into his eyes and there is no way to describe the vacuum of nothingness within them. Even on those occasions where he would try to get me back and hold my face in his hands claiming all the things he knew I wanted and deserved as a human being…his eyes were vacant. I heard the words but the actions never met. It was almost mechanical and forced for him to emote nostalgia. Not a naturally evolving process.

    He was a fully admitted harbinger for unrequited love songs. Often quoting lines of love lost and the pain – with a smile. I prefer songs with love and happy endings for the most part. LOL

    I was unable to make it work as per your question. They can dance around the best counselors (and lawyers). They can hurt people and often use their indifferent blase articulation to make those around them feel ignorant. Kind of difficult to reach. I never say give up hope to others. But in my case, it almost cost me my life. You have to decide if the work is possible and worth it.
20. Ms. Helper says:

    February 5, 2012 at 1:19 am

    Your spouse doesn’t trust you! Get him/ her to trust you. Get them to tell you how they feel, what they think and what they like and don’t like. Read Boundaries to understand you are only responsible for yourself and to keep people from affecting you negatively.
21. Kelly says:

    February 13, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    I’ve been with a (what I believe) is a PA for 7 years now. We married 3 years ago and I am in my early twenties. For the past couple of years, I’ve noticed that everytime he drinks he says the meanest things anyone has ever said to me in my life. I’m ALWAYS the one at fault, the other night he told me, “I was a nothing and a nobody” and then proceeded to tell me that “I pushed him to that point”. Everytime he ever does anything wrong, it’s something I did that caused it. When we’re out and I want to go home, he throws silent hissy fits with words muttered under his breath and other quiet gesture. When I finally explode, I’m told that he didn’t do anything and I was overreacting. I work full time, go to school, wash the dishes, take care of our dogs and our bills…Everyone I know loves me and says I’m an amazing person, yet the person who “loves me more than anything” makes me feel like I’m little and awful. He’ll tell me he doesn’t need my help on something and then gets mad and says “I’m not supportive” when I don’t help. I’m constantly worried when I get home if he’ll be drunk, because when he’s drunk everything is multiplied and he CONSTANTLY tries to goad me into a fight.

    I’m tired of thinking that I’m the crazy one. I’m tired of walking on egg shells and being told that I’m “mad every day” and that “he feels like he always doing something wrong”. I want to be happy again, I just wish he would help himself.

    I’m conflicted, I love him but I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m under 25 and considering divorce. He’s currently staying with his mother and I’m having trouble living alone as I’ve never done it before. I don’t know who I am without him. I lived with an alchoholic mother and I KNOW i’m a codependant and even read a book to help me, but I can’t stop worrying and trying to “fix” everything.

    ANY advice would be welcomed.
22. free to be me says:

    March 17, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    I left my marriage of 27 years 9 months ago. I was a traditional wife. I worked full time while I put my husband through medical school and residency. We had three children during this time period, I continued to work,we moved every 4 years, and each place we moved to, our children did well and our family was well liked and respected. I did everything. (Codependant, of course) About 15 years ago, I started taking antidepressants because I felt crazy. We were just starting to have difficulties in our marriage, because I was starting to ask for more intimacy and help. He was very preoccupied with his work. We would fight for hours and I would walk away feeling like I had just been beat up. Nothing was ever resolved, he was never wrong. I would say sometimes, what is wrong? I can communicate with everyone but you. Once his training was finished, we moved to a great place, and looked forward to a new life. There were problems with his job, and I ended up going back to work, and we had 4 more years of stress due to the changes we had to make for his job. We had our ups and downs through this time period. When I would make every effort to appease him, he did respond positively, but when I got tired of doing all that, and would get mad or try to tell him how I was feeling, I got”there you go again, holding things in and then you blow up and wreck everything.” There were weeks of the silent treatment, him saying nothing I do makes a difference, i am sick of trying. So we start counseling, and we get a counselor like I read about above, she protects him, and I am the crazy one. We then had a serious accident affect our family, and he was of no help. For 6 months I dealt with the situation and it was at this time I began to hate him. When our 25th wedding anniversary happened, we did nothing. No gift, cards, nothing. Our 26th, I asked him to go away with me, he said no. I went to the coast, and I promised myself if I was still in this place the next year, I would leave. I was, and I left. I took nothing, I said I would try to support myself, so my family would not suffer, and lived very frugally, while he stayed in our million dollar home with our kids and everything he loves around him. Since then? He refused to talk for 4 1/2 months, stating he was very hurt and angry that I have left him and our family. He was too busy to have time to think about the relationship. I tell him if we are not in counseling by a certain date, I will file for legal separation. He does meet that date, we have one session. But I find out by snooping in our home that he has been hiding money for the last 3 months. So, I file for legal separation to stop him from being able to do that, and tell him after our first session, and he is livid.( we have been separated for 5 months now) We have one more session 2 weeks later, mind you, this is the second time we have seen or talked in 5 months. I wake up to an e mail that morning saying ” I want a divorce.” An e mail after 27 years of marriage. So I go to this counseling session, he berates my that he was so hurt and blindsided by me filing for legal separation, and he said I told you if you go that far, I would finish it, so here we go. I told him, I was broke, and he was not being honest with me about our money, and I would not tolerate it. The session ends, I leave. That night I drive by our house, and see a fire in our fireplace,( that only happened on special occasions.) So I drive up the driveway, park my car,walk around the house, do not see anyone, but then I see 4 feet hanging off the couch. He is making our with some woman in our home. I ring the doorbell, he answers the door and is shocked to see me. It is halloween. It was priceless, because I could prove that he was playing me, and he could not hide behind his PA any longer. I filed for divorce the next day, I hired a lawyer that is $450 an hour and more arrogant than he is. We are now 9 months into this, he filed a motion to deny me spousal support, I won, and now receive a monthly temporary support. Our home is up for sale, the Judge ordered him to sell it. (He wanted it as his permanent residence).
    He has to continue paying all the bills, and he is not happy. All I can say, is the silence has been torture for me, but I know that is what he uses to hurt me. I will not allow him to manipulate me any longer, so my Lawyer is my protector. And so far, so good. Huge waste of money going to attorneys, and an awful situation for our kids to go through, but they know what is going on, and are very supportive of me. I am so lucky. Thanks for listening, they can almost destroy you, but the peace and sense of normalcy you have after leaving is so worth the pain and hard work. It really is. FREE
23. Maria says:

    April 28, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    There is only one solution for dealing with a passive aggressive man. Walk away and don’t look back. Quit lying to yourself and saying he really does love you, he’s just shy. No he doesn’t. He doesn’t give a damn about anyone but himself. I wasted 9 years of my life with such a man. I know of what I speak.
24. Maria says:

    April 28, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    Oh, and here’s the kicker. About a month after I broke up with my PA, he had the nerve to email my parish priest to ask him why I “suddenly” left him! Fortunately, the priest has a psychology background and gets it about passive aggressive. He told the ex-BF in spiritual terms to either crap or get off the pot lol. It irritates me that that man would go so far as to mock the priest at church and mock my religious belief, but then try to go behind my back to the the cleric to get me back in his control. My priest says I did the right thing in leaving. Of course I knew that already lol It’s now been two years and while yes sometimes I do get lonely for male companionship, it’s been worth breaking up with the ex-BF. Better to be lonely on my own than lonely in a one sided “relationship.”
25. Jenn says:

    May 6, 2012 at 9:42 am

    Hi to all, Where does one start after such a long period of time, 26 years trying every tactic known to man to try and “Fix” my broken husband. I’m at a point where I no longer give a damn, I’m a caring person but no longer care, it’s time for self preservation before I go completely mad!! He is “Mr Nice Guy” and I’m the “Wicked Witch of the West”. We have 3 children 21, 16, 13…why do I have to tell them their fathers actions are inappropriate and not to do as he does, he is emotionless, distant, ignorant, non supportive in any way shape or form. He can’t fight his battles and allows everyone to walk all over his family no matter what the situation, he never speaks up, he agrees outwardly but inwardly is a different story, tells people what they want to hear with no intention of following through. I no longer have people over because of his humourous degrading belittling remarks towards me, I have applied for every job he has ever held, I have been a supportive loyal wife…I can’t do it anymore. He discuss’s nothing to do with anything, relationship, friends, finances, hardships absolutely nothing, he is like living with a shell that if broken there is nothing on the inside. He makes lame excuses for his forgetfulness and lack of action…I’m tired of thinking for him. Seven years back our then 6 y/o daughter was diagnosed with an aggressive blood cancer, that was an emotionally draining time which went on for 5 years before all was said and done, she is now 13 with long term side effects, so this is more or less ongoing and always will be…as you can imagine throughout this time there was no emotional support from my husband, he was and is so detached from every situation that arises. I call him on his bad behaviour only to be met with excuses and a confused look as if nothing is registering within his warped thinking mind, my continued warnings of the wedge he is driving into our relationship falls upon deaf ears….I am stressed, tired and at my wits end and feel the only way to escape his behaviour is to divorce him…but I know he will make that difficult, our kids have been through soo very much, how do I now do this to them even though they see him as he is as well..they love him and we need a roof over our heads, having a child in cancer remission also complicates my situation…I simply don’t know what to do. Nobody believes me and he would surely fool a councillor as well, this is a lonely path I drudge and he is an expert of disguise..Thanks for reading and really needed to write this down.

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